I'm sorry [Kendall Jenner]

13: coming out

(I'm really sorry for the short chapter, I promise to upload a bigger one soon, and you'll also learn what happened to Val.)

I could feel the cold wind on my face, summer was ending and fall was slowly making its way in. Everything was so calm.

"Miss Jenner" Andy, a nurse came to me "it's almost time to go in honey"

I stood up and without arguing I walked to her.

I felt calmed, of course I missed Val, she was a part of me, but somehow between therapies and antidepressants I had manage to feel calmer.

"How are you feeling today, Kendall?" My therapist, Ella, asked

"I had a good day" I started "I painted and read a bit, I ate a sandwich at lunch and my mother called"

She nodded

"You're doing fine Kendall, you have made huge improvement" she encouraged

"I miss her" I whispered feeling a lump in my throat

"Part of healing is missing people, but learning that life keeps going" But how?

"I dreamed of her last night" I said slowly

"What was that dream about?" She asked

"I was seating in my backyard drinking something and she came home, there was this little girl running and when the girl saw Val she screamed 'mommy!' And suddenly I was invisible, they couldn't see me" I said sadly

"Do you think she has already moved on?" She asked, I wasn't ready for that question

"I believe she's fine" I forced my answer

"You think she's fine, but you don't believe it" she corrected

"I hope she's fine, wherever she is I hope she is with someone that makes her happy and values her" I said

"But you still love her" she stated

"Of course I do, but is time to move on" I meant it, as much as I wanted her back I knew she wasn't coming, I needed to learn to accept that.

She kept quiet

"Some nights I dream of her in peace, and others I see her in pain" I said

"Have you tried to reach her family?"

"Of course, her sister but she never called back"

"Healing is a long process Kendall, it is an art. It takes time and patience and love, it is exhausting and debilitating but is all worthy at the end"

She sighed

"You've been here long enough to realize that grieving someone even if that person is alive is something that doesn't necessarily means breaking you, it hurts and you may feel like you'll never see the light again. But you do. My advice to you is that you can miss Valentina, but hurting yourself won't make any difference. Try and be happy as she was looking at you the whole time and things would get better, they always do"

Her words marked something in my soul

"Thank you Doctor Lewis" I said to Ella

"Try to enjoy your last night in here, I know you're ready to go back to the world and please, don't bottle it up, talk about her. Be who you are. And it will get better"

I smiled at her

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Coming back home was weird. It all looked the same but something felt different. I looked at my bed, I hadn't slept in there in more than 5 months, Kylie was with me tonight and they would take turns so I didn't have a chance to be alone. I had argued the fact of moving back to my mother's, I didn't want that.

"You look a lot better" Kylie said while we were eating dinner watching TV

"I feel better" I said, I did. Something inside me felt good, sad but good.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked

I thought about it for a moment, we had agreed to talk about my sexuality on one of the episodes of this season so I was rehearsing the way I should tell the world about it.

"I am" I simply said "I'm tired of hiding who I am"

She nodded biting her sandwich

I was tired; I needed to be me, to feel like myself. The original idea was to come out on Jimmy Kimmel but live shows weren't my thing now, so doing it on our own show made it easier for me and made me feel comfortable as it should feel.

"We're recording it tomorrow" Kylie said

"I know" I was a little lost finding the words to elaborate an adequate sentence

"Are you going to answer my with more than a 6 word sentence, talk to me Kenny" she pushed

"I knew I was gay since I was 12" I blurted

She looked at me shocked

"But you dated men" she said

"I did, but my first kiss was a woman, well, a girl" I said back

"Dakota?" she asked

"Dakota" I confirmed

"I knew that girl was weird" she muttered

"HEY" I argued

"You too" she laughed, and it that moment I felt like I had recovered what my depression had taken this months

"I missed you" she said suddenly

"I missed you too" I said warmly

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It was the day and suddenly I felt anxious, people would know and that made me feel terrified.

"So" the cameras were recording and Kim started talking, we were seating on my mom's living room and everyone was here. Kourtney and Scott were seating next to each other on the loveseat, Mom and Khloe were in single sofas, Kim, Kanye and Kylie were seating right across from me in the big couch and Rob, Caitlyn and Chyna were scattered in different seats.

Of course they all knew this, but for the world I was just coming out to them and professing my infinite love to one girl. Who, of course, wasn't there?

"Guys there's something I need to tell you" I started, my make up was lighter than usual, mom said it was to make me look sad so people would feel connected to me.

I knew this would be the part they would do close ups to our faces and play dramatic music, so I continued with my speech

"For years I feared to not being accepted, especially by you. I had some trouble trying to fit in, I was the shy one, the weird one, the troubled and everyone got to see me growing up on television." I took a deep breath "I'm tired, I'm exhausted of trying to be something and someone I'm not,"

"For years I have been in love with someone, I must say the love of my life. This past months have been the worst, I've been battling depression and an eating disorder, I'm on my way out of this misery but I want" I shook my head "I need to tall you guys that I am in fact gay"

It felt so good to say, the set went quiet, camera men looked shocked and the rest of the crew too. After what it felt it was a complete minute in silence a slow clap started behind the cameras.

Kylie was the first one to come to me and hug me; I knew mom was going to be happy with this episode.