Poems

my final thoughts.

It's been a while since I've written. I tweet, I rant, I write letters, but I have not actually sat down and written something in a while. 

Today, I am writing about you. Yes, you. You know who you are. I won't let you ever read this, but I am writing this to you. 

I want you to know that my life has improved so much since you left me. Not because you left me, but because you leaving me made me realize that I needed to take stand on my own. Without you. 

I was asked yesterday if I still loved you. I don't. I am in love with who you used to be and I am in love with the memories we made together. But I do not love you. Who you are now is exactly who you promised me you would never be and that burns deeper than anything ever has but I should not let that make me feel worthless and depressed. 

I have a handful of boys that really do like me. And some of them, I really like back. I've made new friendships and beautiful memories without you in them. I am so proud of myself. 

Aren't you?

I won't deny that my heart races a little whenever I see you. I won't deny that your hand on my thighs and your lips on my neck don't turn me on. I won't deny that I am so jealous of the new girls getting your attention. But I will be proud in the fact that I am not those girls you are fooling around with. I know the true nature of you. It took me almost a year to see that but I see it now and I see that those poor girls are walking into a trap. 

You are cunning and smart and devilishly handsome. But you are tainted in your ways and you have a bad idea of how to go about things. 

When you were in love with me, you gave me the world, and then some. Every waking moment you spent loving me and showing me what amazing things this world had to offer. When you broke up with me, I all the sudden thought that the world was dark and a nasty, horrible place. 

In reality, the world was never a bad place. I was blessed to have you be in my life and show me that it was okay to see the world in a happier light. The world is still just as beautiful as when you loved me. The only difference is that you are not here and that, I think, will always be the hardest part for me to accept. 

My word of the year is accept. I want to accept what you did to me and I want to accept that the world isn't sunshine and rainbows and that I will have days where I wish my life would end. But I also want to accept that there will be good days. Beautiful future memories. A husband, children, and a beautiful life that is just waiting for me to acknowledge.

I want to do what makes me happy. I want to love endlessly and fully. But I'm torn. I want to shut everyone out. I want to fuck men I don't know and I want to break hearts and tear them apart. All because of you. 

That is also how I know you are bad for me. You leaving me made me want to do evil things to people. Made me want to do to you what you did to me. Which is funny, because I did do this to you last year. You are just returning the favor. 

You told me you loved me yesterday. You corrected yourself to, "I love you as in I love everything. I love you like I love the trees and the grass and everyone". 

But why would you tell me you loved me? Was it habit? I know I almost said it to you at chik fil a after the gym that one time. But did I mean it? Not really, no. I do love you, but in the sense that I love everyone. I love you like I love my brother. My mother. My horse. 

So that must be what you meant because I honestly have no idea. 

I opened this blank document with not a clue as to what I wanted to write and I know it's messy and gross. But its helped me more than your voice ever did 

Goodbye, my love.