Poems

its been a while now

when I'm asked what I think messed me up the most, my thoughts lead back to you.

How long has it been since you've been gone? 

when I'm asked why my idea of love is hatred screams and drunken shoves, my thoughts lead back to you. 

How long has it been since you broke my family? 

when I'm asked about what went wrong why do I want to blame myself? not you?

I loved you. With my entire heart. You swooped in at such a terrible time in our lives & you cushioned our fall with your strong embrace. You wiped our tears & calmed the rage simmering beneath our skin. You gathered my broken sobs and sewed them into laughter. You were the only one who could calm my dad in his rages & the only one who could make my little sister smile.

You taught me so many life lessons; on fashion, driving, and new techniques to study flashcards. 

You did our laundry and our dishes. You helped me turn my room into a big-girl room. You let me be a child again. 

But you were so manipulative. 

 You told me you loved me & you told me that I could call you mother. 

and then you sunk your hands into my heart and ripped it out. 

You crushed me. You crushed my family & ripped it apart. You turned us on each other.

You gifted me with big girl things and then stole them back the one night I wasn't home. You looked me in the face and said that you used me to get to my dad. That you never loved me. 

that you'd never love me. 

Family movie nights turned into flashing blue lights and broken glass and shattered hearts. 

Your voice which once was the only remedy to a failing family was now the thing that was driving it apart. 

Fun nights of waxing our eyebrows and trying on big girl make up turned into outstretched hands & a murderous look as the cops dragged you away. 

When they ask me why I am so confused about love and trusting, my mind goes back to you. 

You gave a 12 year old girl the world, and then shoved her off the cliff. 

I was drowning. WE were drowning. 

You smiled, and walked away. 

Never to be heard of again.