Behind Closed Doors

Chapter 5

“What!? Drew’s brother Gabe is dead? As in your boyfriend’s brother?” Ness exclaimed with a shocked expression on her face.

“Yes. My boyfriend’s brother just killed himself and there was nothing I could do” I said with tears still rolling down my face.

“I knew he was sad but I never thought he would do that. He was such a lovely boy, so kind and smart” Ness stated. “He should have just talked to someone”.

Ness obviously had no idea what was going on in his head, I know I didn’t either but I had some idea of how you feel when you are depressed. Like you just feel like all you do is make mistakes and fuck everything up. You convince yourself that no one in the world needs you or even likes you. You have these voices in your head that make you feel worthless. They tell you to end it all constantly and sometimes you don’t have the strength to say no to them. 

“He was depressed Ness. Just talking to someone won’t magically cure it. People need to stop thinking it will and leave us the fuck alone” I screamed, again saying too much. Why do I always do that? Why can’t I just keep my stupid mouth shut?

“Us? Wait you mean you’re depressed?” Ness asked with a worried expression on her face.

Here it goes. Now I have to tell her everything. Now I’m going to lose my bestfriend. Now she is going to realise how fucked up I am and tell everyone in the whole school so no one will come near me. Now is the start of the end. “Yes, I am Ness. I have been for a long time but no one ever noticed because I keep feeding the same lies and wearing the same fake smile. No one really cares about me and no one will never really care about me. I’m a hopeless loser that everyone wishes was dead.”

I could tell that wasn’t what Ness was expecting by the expression on her face. It was a mixture between shocked, disgusted, sad, worried and betrayed. “Wait, you think everyone wishes that you were dead!?” I didn’t respond to that because I thought it was pretty obvious that I did. “Seriously Becca? You have to be fucking joking! No one wishes you were dead!I don’t fucking wish you were dead!! Drew doesn’t wish that you were dead!! Your Mum and Dad don’t wish you were dead!! And believe it or not Declan doesn’t wish you were dead and you fight with him all the fucking time!! None of our friends wish you were dead! None of the teachers wish you were dead! No one in this whole school wishes you were dead! To be honest Becca no one in this whole fucking town wishes you were dead! So get that into your head! You are loved by many and always will be! You have no reason to be depressed! You have the perfect life. Big house, good friends, great family, you’re drop dead gorgeous and you were getting good grades until you stopped trying! So get your head out of the fucking gutter and get over it!” 

What the fuck? Where did that come from? She doesn’t know what goes on inside my head. No one does. Not my parents, my brother, my friends or even Drew because they won’t understand and will call me a freak. How dare she tell me that. “What the fuck Ness? You have no idea what goes on inside my head. No one does! You can’t just tell someone with depression to get over it! It’s not that simple! It’s like smashing a glass on the ground and telling it to just get over it but it can’t because it’s broken, like me”. 

“Seriously Becca what do you have to be depressed about?” Ness questioned.

“Listen Ness I don’t know why I am depressed but I am okay. So can you just leave me alone? Please?”  I begged hoping she would look me in the eye and say no you’re not doing this on your own.

“Becca if you want to be left alone I will leave you alone. For good. You no longer have to worry about me hating you because I do. I hate you because you didn’t tell me that you were upset, you didn’t tell me that you needed help, you didn’t tell me anything! You can’t just come to school every single day acting like everything is okay when it’s not Becca. No one is a mind reader. No one will notice which will make you feel like no one cares but the truth is Bec everyone cares. You are just too self-centred to see that” Ness said with tears rolling down her checks as she walked out of the bathroom leaving me alone with my thoughts. Again…

A.N: Hey guys I kow this is yet another short chapter but that is because it was meant to join onto chapter 4 but I ran out of time to finish it off before I had to leave. The next chapter should be longer and will hopefully be up in a few days and another thing that I should mention is that I have to go back to school this week so I won't get to update as often as I would like but I will aim for at least one update per week. Please vote and comment!! xx

~Boo-Boo