Behind Closed Doors

Chapter 7

Waring this chapter is a bit graphic and involves some scenes which may be triggering to some people. Read on at your own will.

"What do you want Becca?" Drew barked when he picked up.

"I...I....ahh...ne....need...t...to....t....te...tell...you....s....some...something" I stuttered.

"Make it quick. I don't have a lot of time." Drew said rudely.

"It's umm it's about Gabe." I said worrying about his reaction.

"What the fuck!? Don't fucking talk to me about Gabe! You weren't close to him. You only knew him through me!! The only reason you know his dead is because you found him. If you didn't find him you wouldn't know because all you care about is yourself. You are so stuck up Becca! You think everyone should bow down to you because you get good grades! You don't take notice of anyone around you! You don't care about anyone but you! I can't believe I'm actually dating you!! You're a stuck up bitch!! I hate you!! It's over!! It's fucking over!!" Drew screamed.

"Wait Drew it's impor..." I started as Drew hung up the phone. What just happened? What the fuck just happened? I heard what he said but it's just not sinking in. Drew dumped me. It's over. He hates me. I fucked up, again.

"This is all your fucking fault Gabe!! If you didn't kill yourself then Drew wouldn't hate me!! If you didn't give me that letter we would still be going out!! It's all your fault!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

This isn't fair. This sucks. I'm such a fucking loser. My bestfriend is going to leave me and my boyfriend has already left me. My family hates me. I hate me. I'm done. I'm over this shit. I looked at my schoolbag which was lying on my bed. Maybe if I just do one cut it will fix it all. Just one that is all I need.

I walked over to my bed and sat down. Just one cut is all I need. No more than one. It won't hurt. It won't kill me. I won't become addicted. I unzipped my schoolbag and pulled out my pencil case. Okay now all I need to do is find something sharp. I unzipped my pencil case and pulled out my light blue and grey scissors. I opened them up and slid my pointer finger across the cold silver blade. Fuck they aren't sharp. What am I meant to use now? I poured the contents of my pencil case onto my bed and started to look for something sharp.

I was about to give up when I found my black sharpener. I can use this. I picked up the sharpener and looked at the silver screw holding the blade in place. I picked up my scissors again and started to unscrew it. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Got it! The screw came out causing the blade to fall onto my blankets. I dropped the sharpener and scissors simultaneously and stared at the silver blade sitting on my light purple blanket. I picked it up with my right hand and put it against my left wrist. Three...two...one...wait! I don't want everyone to see I have cut before. I took my pants off so I was sitting in my black Bonds underwear. I'll cut my thigh. No one will see it then.

I got up off my bed and walked into my bathroom. If I do it in here then it won't matter if blood comes out, it's easier to clean in here than it is out there. I sat on the cold floor with my right leg stretched out. Here it goes. I placed the cold blade on my right thigh close to my hip. "Just one small cut is all I need." I whispered to myself.

I pressed the blade down onto my skin and slid it to the right. Immediately I felt pain but it wasn't a normal pain. It was a pain with relief, like I was finally free. For the first time in a long time I felt unstoppable. I didn't have a care in the world. It was amazing. I looked down at my thigh and saw the new red line where the blade was a few moments before. You could see some dots of blood forming. I dropped the blade on the ground, leaned over and grabbed some toilet paper off the roll and held it against my thigh.

After a minute I pulled the toilet paper off and sure enough there was some blood on it but not much. I stared at the blade on the ground. "Come on Becca one more won't hurt. The last one wasn't even bad and remember how good it felt? Don't you want to be free again? One more won't hurt. Come on." I said aloud to myself. You know what I'm right. One more won't hurt and it did feel good.

I picked the blade up off the ground and held it to my right thigh again, a few centimetres down from my last cut. I pushed the blade down again, harder than before. I slid across my skin and felt that release again. Oh how I loved it. It was so perfect. It did hurt but it was a good hurt. I liked it.

I looked down at my thigh again and realised the cut I had just made was a lot deeper than my other one. "Shit!" There was so much blood coming out of this one. I grabbed some more toilet paper and pressed it down on my thigh in an attempt to stop the blood. Within a minute it was soaked red with my blood. What have I done? Why did I make that other cut? I'm such an idiot! I grabbed some more toilet paper and pressed down on it.

After about twenty minutes the bleeding slowed down and I no longer needed toilet paper. I looked around me and saw that there were bloody pieces of toilet paper everywhere. Shit. I didn't mean to use that much. How am I supposed to get rid of them all without Mum or Declan noticing?

I stood up and walked over to my bathroom draws. I opened the one which had my pads, tampons, tablets and Band-Aids in it. I pulled out the box with my Band-Aids in it and took out two of them. I opened them up and placed them cautiously over each cut. Once that was done I turned around and started to pick up the bloody pieces of toilet paper. If I can throw all these out before Mum or Declan get home I will be right. I picked up the last piece and put it in a plastic bag with the others that's when I heard the front door open. Shit.