calm down // josh dun

t e n

I WANNA LIVE AND LEARN. DON'T MATTER IF I LAND OR IF I FALL.

--Josh's P.O.V--

I was a very open-minded person. I was able to process and handle whatever someone decided to tell me without passing any judgement whatsoever, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't shocked by Declan Gray's statement. He was transgender. He had been born a girl.

I truthfully didn't understand how I didn't figure that fact out sooner because it all made perfect sense. His size, the reason why his voice crackled all the time. It was all because he was born in a girl's body.

Declan Gray slowly lifted his eyes to meet mine. "Josh, please say something. Sitting in silence makes me feel anxious. I don't like it."

I cleared my throat. "So I did find you in the yearbook? The girl that I thought liked slightly like you was really you?"

Declan nodded. "My birth name was Taylor Sophia Clarkson, but around my fifth grade year I started to notice something different about me. I no longer felt like a girl and the more the thought about it, I never truly was to begin with." He sighed, running his hands through his hair. "At first, I cut off all my hair and started wearing more boyish clothes. I felt more comfortable that way."

"Once I got into middle school, I learned what the term transgender was and I asked my parents if I could transition. They told me it was phase and not to worry too much about myself. I tried to forget how I felt. I tried to forget how different I was, but I soon realized that the pain wasn't going to go away unless I actually did something."

Declan's voice faltered as he continued. "Well, a few more personal things happened, causing me to withdraw and move away from Oakville. I was gone for about six months to a year and finally decided to come back. I fully started transitioning about two and a half years ago. That's when I got put on T and nobody at Oakville knew who I really was. They all thought I was born a boy and that's why I joined the hockey game; to blend in."

He scoffed. "Turns out I'm actually pretty good at it."

My brain felt like it was moving at a hundred miles per hour. I was trying to process all the information that I was being given.

I took a deep breath. "So you're completely done transitioning? That's why you decided to come back?"

Declan sighed. "That's the politically correct way to ask me if I have a penis, isn't it? Sadly, I haven't been able to afford the surgery down in that area yet, so no I do not have a penis, but someday I plan to get the surgery done. But I decided to come back to Oakville after I had my top surgery. I could pass easier that way."

The boy next to me chuckled. "I'm still really pissed off that my voice cracks. I hate it."

That earned a laugh from my lungs and I instantly felt the tension in the room disappear. "I'm glad that you told me, Declan, because you're right. I don't understand what you're going through, but I'll be here for support and everyone needs a little support."

Declan grinned, rubbing a hand over his face. "Thank you, Josh. Thank you for not caring what body I was born in."

•••

Where are you? Tyler and I saved you a seat, but you aren't here. The game has already started.

I glanced at Jenna's text message, a pang of guilt in my stomach as I realized that I forgot to tell her that I was sitting with Declan's mother.