calm down // josh dun

n i n e t e e n

--Josh's P.O.V--

Losing someone you love is hard, especially when it's unexpected; especially when you don't have a reason why.

But eventually I would have to accept the fact that there was something wrong with Declan Gray; something that he refused to share with me.

He had something wrong with him that caused him to want to end his life. He was struggling with something inside of him and we were never going to know why.

That's why as I stood in front of his mother, I felt like crying. I couldn't save her son.

"I think you should read of these," Ms. Gray told me, holding multiple pieces of paper out towards me. "They aren't all addressed to you, but you loved him more than anyone. You deserve to know what his last thoughts were."

Ms. Gray's tone was tired and I wanted to help her feel better, but what could I have done? I couldn't bring her son back to life.

I timidly grabbed ahold of the papers making my way over to the living room couch, taking a deep breath as I rested them in my lap. I didn't know if I was ready to read Declan's last thoughts or see his messy handwriting. He had been gone a week and reading his suicide notes just made it more real.

But I had no choice. I started with the first one on top.

To the school board,

Joshua Dun did not write the article about me. Parker Axton did. Punish him.

From Taylor Sophia

Before he died, Declan kept his distance from me because he believed that I wrote the article about him. He truly believed that. I could see it in his eyes every time he looked at me. He blamed me. How did he know or suddenly believe that it was Parker's fault when he was so willing to defend him?

My hands shook as I moved the letter off the top of the pile and moved one to the next one which was fairly short.

Dear Parker Axton,

I never wanted to be like you.

From Taylor Sophia

The entire time I knew Declan Gray he treated Parker Axton like he could do no wrong. No matter what Parker did to him, he stayed loyal to the hockey captain. However, his last thoughts seemed to be the exact opposite. They were bitter towards him. I thought back to the scene he caused in the cafeteria and he dawned on me that maybe he blew up on Parker because he already knew what he was going to do when he got home.

I moved on to next one. It was my letter.

Dear Joshua,

I loved you more than you could have ever guessed. I'm sorry. I'm weak. I don't want to be around to bring you down. The world keeps turning.

Love Declan James Gray

My letter was the only one he signed off as Declan Gray. He used his true name on mine and mine alone.

I was the only one he fully trusted with his secret. I was the only one who accepted him for who he was. Parker didn't. The school board didn't. I was the only one.

That broke my heart. I hadn't realized that I had been crying.

Finally, I was at the last letter.

Dear mom, dear josh, dear anyone who finds this or cares to read it,

I am sick of feeling like I'm worthless. I am sick of being unhappy. I am sick of not being considered normal in society, so it's time for me to go. I wish you all the happy life I would have never been able to have.

From Taylor Sophia

Declan was hurting more than he let on, which was obvious. He had depression and I felt so stupid that I didn't know about it. I knew he was standoffish, but I thought that was just how his personality was. I didn't know that he felt worthless. I didn't know that he felt extremely unhappy.

I apparently didn't know anything. I failed him.

•••

"May I use the restroom?" I asked Mrs. Teller quietly, interrupting her lesson.

"Yes, you may Josh." She gave me sympathetic smile, but I didn't even bother to make eye contact with her as I stood up. I just wanted to get out of this classroom.

I didn't feel like learning anything. I didn't even have any motivation. I just felt empty inside. I didn't even have to use the restroom. I just decided to roam the hallways.

Parker Axton hasn't been back in school since Declan's suicide due to the fact that the school board suspended him for two weeks because of the article. However, he was also being investigated by the police because multiple people on the hockey team finally stepped up and said that Parker bullied Declan constantly.

What I didn't understand was now that Declan was gone the hockey team finally wanted to speak up about the way Parker treated him. After Declan Gray decided to take his life is when they decided to be good people.

Three days after his death, the hockey team arranged a ceremony in his honor. I had no idea what they did or said about him because I didn't even want to show up. None of the players on the hockey team truly knew Declan like I did. Everything they said about him was probably not true.

The school even held a fundraiser to raise money for suicide prevention. That was Mr. Porter's doing and I was gratefully that he did so. He actually cared about Declan. He actually wanted Declan to succeed unlike all the other people in the school who acted like they cared about him when in reality, they hardly knew him.

I was pulled out of my thoughts where I realized where I was. Somehow, my feet carried me to Declan's locker, which was decked out with flowers and cards. Standing right in front of it sent a wave of sadness over me and that's when I remembered that Ms. Gray wanted me to have whatever was in her son's locker. Even two weeks after her son's death, nobody had gone through his locker because it was my job to do it.

I slowly entered his combination and the locker swung open. I was surprised to see how bare it was. It used to be filled with smiley face stickers and pictures of the hockey team and I. Now it was just bare.

His textbooks were already gone and since I was the first one that even looked his locker that meant that Declan was the one who cleaned out his own locker. He had everything planned out. He knew what he was going to do before he did it, so he cleaned up all his stuff where his mother didn't have to.

There was only one thing left and it was his dry erase board that had his messy handwriting on it in purple, which was my favorite color along with mine.

I tried not to cry as I read the words he wrote merely hours before he died.

I never asked to be like this.

A/N: one more part left and calm down is officially over. I'm thinking about making a second book to this. It would take place in the same time period as this one, but instead of being told from Josh's perspective, it would be told from Declan's. Would you guys like me to do that?

-oliver