Raven's Touch

Kabanata 13.

All I could think was Charles. Ang kaniyang mga matang mapungay, mga ngiting perpekto at ang kaniyang mga tawa'ng tila mantra sa aking tainga. I miss him. More than anyone, I think. He's the big hole in my life, in the middle of my soul. And no one can change that. Tanging siya at siya lang...

Nasa isang parke ako ngayon. Katabi ng hotel na tinutuluyan ko. Pang apat na araw ko na rito at nagbabalak akong umalis mamaya. Wala akong magawa sa apat na sulok na silid na 'yun kaya naisipan kong magpahangin muna rito sa labas. I needed to breathe. And when I say I needed to breathe... I needed to clear up my mind from all the things that was happened. Apat na araw na ang nakalilipas pero hindi parin marehistro ng utak ko ang mga nangyari.

Pinapatay ko ang oras sa kakaisip kay Charles. I'm longing for his touch. Touch that I know that I will never experience anymore. My head is full of what ifs... What if I don't have this bullshit powers? What if I'm not here, where I am? What If I don't ended up like this?

Siguro'y masaya ako. Masaya akong nakahiga sa mga bisig ni Charles, sa malambot niyang kama. That we're happy with each others side.

I really miss him so much.

Nangilid na naman ang mga luha sa gilid ng aking mga mata. Hindi ko mapigilan. When I always think of him... I always think of what had we'd done... What had we'd ended up...

Halos pagtinginan na ako ng mga taong dumadaan at nakatambay rito sa parke. I pretended to not seeing them staring at me. With my leather gloves in me, I'm sure that I'm definitely look like a psycho...

Lumapit ang isang paru-paro sa akin. I lit up a bit. It was so beautiful, so perfect. Animo'y isang napakagandang bagay at biglang pumungay ang aking mga mata. Ang makulay nitong pakpak na tila ba'y nanghihigop sa aking paningin. I already picture it into my palm. The butterfly in my soft palm. (But With leather gloves?) I don't think so.

Napalunok ako ng bigla itong dumapo sa aking balat. Hindi sapat ang leather gloves upang matakpan ang balat na dinapuan nung butterfly kung kaya't parang buhangin itong nilipad kasabay ng hangin. Agad nagtapos ang katiting na kasiyahan sa aking puso. I felt so low. I pitied the butterfly. Ngayon, ang tingin ko sa aking sarili ay isang napakababang uri ng nilalang. This thing that was in me is a curse. A curse that is very evil and worst. Na kahit ang isang inosente at tahimik na nilalang ay kayang mawala na animo'y isang abo dahil sa pagdapo lamang nito sa aking balat.

I remember when I was in highschool, In a Oral Communication class we are oblige to give an Impromptu Speech. Naalala ko nang ang pangalan ko na ang tinawag ay halos gustong kumawala ng aking puso na animo'y isang ibon sa aking dibdib. I was so nervous that time because I had a very low self-confidence. Tandang tanda ko pa kung ano ang itinanong ng guro sa akin. Aniya, What is your most favorite in the five senses of human being?

Isang tanong na animo'y kasama ako sa isang beauty pageant. Nag alangan akong sumagot, hindi alam kung ano nga ba talaga ang gusto ko sa limang pandama ng tao. But when my mouths open, I know that whatever I'll say... I mean it.

The sense of touch is the most  powerful of the five senses for me, I think. Because it is the only sense that doesn't lose its potency. As we grow old, our sense of our smell becomes mediocre; our sense of taste became so discriminating; our credibility to hear diminishes; our eyesight needs an enhancement, but our sense of touch does not change...In fact, the need of our touch and be touched becomes greater. We are born with the need to be touched. The power of just the touch of your fingertips can make you feel others warmth...the sense of our touch makes us the freedom to feel and to be feel. It's the most powerful and beautiful gift of all...

And now, I realized that it's indeed a powerful yet dangerous...and deadly, for me.
But I learned my lesson now. What happened to Charles is enough. Hinding-hindi ko na hahayaan pang may masaktan akong ibang tao.