Paper thin // Joe Sugg au

*21*

She was limp upon her bed, breathing heavily. She was alive. Alive for now.

"Mum?" I didn't expect her to answer, it was clear she was asleep. I just needed to say the word one more time. One more time while I could.

I knew the inevitable. I had to start to prepare myself. She was struggling to keep a grip on life and it was tiring her out. She needed to let go even if it cost her everything. If it's what she needed to do then I couldn't go against it. I love her, alive or gone.

"I can wait outside" Joe said quietly as if it would wake the fragile women in front of us. I just nodded softly. I needed to get used to being on my own.

I stood for a while just watching. Watching her stomach rise and fall with every inhale and exhale. Every now and then her breath would catch, the air lingering in her lungs, before she continued at a steady pace. It made want to run to her, hold her in my arms, and tell her it was okay, that she'd be okay. I couldn't bare to lie to her though, not after everything else. I couldn't tell a dying women that she'd be okay because I don't what it feels like. Is death pain? Or does it numb you of all feelings?

I took a few careful steps towards her to sit down. I didn't know what to do with myself. What can you do when your mum is asleep in a hospital? I felt uncomfortable just watching her so I began to speak.

"I'm sorry. This isn't really how it was planned, was it? Remember when you said when I was older you'd take me to see the world, all the places you didn't get a chance to see? Damn.. I'm sorry we didn't do that sooner. Amsterdam would of been amazing, Tokyo would have exciting and Paris could have fulfilled our shopping fantasies but that's one thing we didn't get to do. I'm so sorry for everything, mum. I really am. I didn't know... I should have known better. Dad was an utter d.ick, you deserved so much better. So, so much better.

I guess I'll tell you what's going on while I still can; Zoe's still in a coma, I think I'll see her after you. I really miss her, it's a constant aching pain in my chest when I want to phone her and talk to her but realise I can't because she is in a coma. What am I going to do when you're gone?

Joe's here, he's right outside. I remember you used to joke around with us, you used to tell us how special our friendship was because we were so close. You were right. I really missed or friendship and now he's back in my life and I really want him to stay. Nikki, you know Nikki? Well, she's convinced that I 'like' Joe. I don't know how to work it out. I want to be his friend, I like being close mates like we are but I feel like I want more out of it but I don't want it at the same time. But there's nothing to it, we're good friends and it's probably going to stay like that. I'll work my way out of it anyway, It's clear he doesn't want anything more. Speaking of Joe, I feel like he's holding something back. One minute he's happy, bubbly and talking to me then it's as if he's closed up and hiding behind a curtain; I can see something's there but I don't know what it is." I sighed, trying to process my thoughts into words.

"I love you so much mum, so, so much. I think I might go now, leave you to sleep. I'll be back, I promise. That's a promise I can keep".

I sat still for a few seconds before standing up.

"He came looking for us one day - my real dad, that is. He found us, in a small house north of London. I opened the door when he knocked even though mum had always said 'Never open the door before seeing who's there, it could be someone you don't know or someone who isn't welcome'. I opened the door and that was the biggest mistake I had ever made. He barged in, straight past me. I was so confused, I was calling for him, shouting at him. Asking 'Dad, what are you doing?' and 'why are you here'. He was cussing under his breath and hurrying about the place. Mum called for me upstairs, asking why I was shouting at Dad. His eyes lit up. I didn't try to stop him when he flew up the stairs, I didn't try to stop him from reaching my mum, I didn't call the police when he was hitting her over and over. I just watched and screamed at him in horror. I've never forgiven myself for that. She said it wasn't my fault, that I couldn't have stopped him. I was 13 and I couldn't even pick up the phone to call the police when my Mum was being beaten by my Dad" I broke down. This is what Joe wanted to hear but I knew he wanted to un-hear it.

"Milly... I... I don't", He was stuttering. Zoe had the same reaction, "I'm sorry, Milly. It wasn't your fault that your dad did that though. You were scared, you didn't want to leave your mum and phone the police in case something worse would happen-" I interrupted him,.

"No, Joe", I said too forcefully, "You don't understand, don't even try to make the situation seem better than it is. Don't make it seem like I was a victim. I was witness, Joe, a weak, no good witness who had no courage to even think to pick the phone up. I was useless. I still am because all I can do is talk to my sleeping mum in a hospital room while she's on her death bed dying of cancer!" I gasped. I wasn't crying but I should have been. That made me feel worse. "I'm so sorry mum" I whispered, devastated by my own words.

Joe wrapped his arm round the small of back and held me against his side.

"You're right, I don't understand. Not in the slightest. But you can't dwell on this, Milly. You can't keep blaming yourself for something you couldn't help. I don't know what you were feeling but it was a rushed situation, you could only do what your mind told you to do and that was stick by your mum. You were doing what you thought was right even if you now think that was wrong. Let's go get lunch or something, yeah?" I pulled away from his grip, inhaled, exhaled and nodded.

I just wanted to see Zoe.

A/n: I'm a bit useless at uploading but here's another chapter.

I had an idea about a new book called 'Glass minds'. It's going to be a Joe Sugg au and he'll be an unpopular boy who's quite weak and fragile while his love interest is popular and supposedly strong but that's only what everyone sees. She is interested by Joe and they both relentlessly reach out to each other, fearing to break the stereotypes of society and school. I don't want it to be to cliché but I am excited to try and start it. Send me any opinions and look out for it.

Hope you have a good day!