Come Inside

XIX

"I'M SORRY."

   Jacob already said that more than many times. But it was too painful for Elaine. The whole thing, Jacob being too wrecked, Jacob wanting her to leave, then Jacob wanted her back. He had his arms around her so tight, it seemed like he really didn't want to let her go.

   "Elaine, kausapin mo naman na ako, please? Hindi ko sinasadya ang sinabi ko kanina. I don't want you gone," he said. His face nuzzled in my neck that tickled the crook with his breath. He was breathing with his mouth as if he was so tired... of all the mess in their lives. "Elaine, please, I don't want to go back to square one. Ayaw ko nang pakawalan ka ngayong nandito ka na. I've been hell and back without you and I don't want to be in that the same spot again."

   His embrace tightened around her waist as he pulled her closer to him. He was shaking. Elaine felt him weakened as his tears dropped to her shoulder. Releasing a deep breath, Elaine removed his arms around her, facing him with accusation in her eyes.

   "Royce..." Elaine breathed.

   "Don't call me that," his voice broke. "No, not Royce. I don't want to be just somebody to you. Ayaw ko, Elaine. Hindi ako papayag na mawala ka ulit. No. Not after I finally have my chance again."

   The pleading in his eyes seemed to have etched in her mind because when Jacob looked away, it was all in her mind. His eyes that were always focused was now mirroring a brokenness, showing so much emotions that would linger inside her head for so long. The clenching of his jaw was so visible that it made her heart flutter.

   "Royce, ang hirap lang kasi talaga," Elaine choked on her own words as she sought for things she wanted to say from the start, all of the emotions that she hid since the beginning. She wanted to ask all the questions she held back, all of it. "Nasabi ko na sa 'yo 'yon, na mahirap. Sobrang hirap sa part ko dahil nagtaksil ka.

   "I never wanted to ask this, pero my own question is toxic when I keep this to myself, why? Bakit? Bakit mo ginawa sa akin 'yon? Bakit mo ako niloko?" Mula sa mga mata ni Elaine, unti-unting bumagsak ang mga luhang puno ng hinanakit at galit, mga luhang patunay ng isang tiwalang nawasak at pag-ibig na malapit nang magtapos.

   "Dahil ako, Jacob. Hinding-hindi ko gagawin sa 'yo ang ginawa mo."

   Jacob bit his lip as his head fell, facing down like he was so ashamed of what he had done. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

   "Sorry kung 'yon lang ang masasabi ko sa lahat ng nagawa ko. Sorry kung nasira ko ang lahat sa atin. Alam kong hindi ko na maibabalik ang lahat kagaya ng dati. Pero, okay pa rin naman tayo, 'di ba? Tell me, we're still okay, right?" Jacob desperately held on to her shoulders as if his life depended on it. His eyes were red, filled with tears that might fall anytime soon. His hair was so dishevelled like he ran his hands through it so many times in frustration.

   "Hindi 'yan ang gusto kong marinig mula sa 'yo, alam mo 'yan. I want the explanation I deprived myself. Dahil hindi ako pinatatahimik. At hindi ko magagawang tanggapin ang lahat ng ito hangga't hindi ko nalalaman kung bakit, kung paano. Gusto ko ng sagot. Gusto ko lang malinawan."

    Nakatitig lamang sa kanya si Jacob, his face was still showing the pain he was going through. He sniffed, then nodded his head. "Okay." He smiled as his tears fell. "I'll tell you everything you want to know. But I have a question first."

   He held Elaine by arm and instantly she felt the cold that crept to her skin from his touch. His calloused hands were rough against her that it was tingling enough to make her gasp for breath. His other hand ran across her right cheek, wiping the tear that had escaped from her eye.