I find myself sighing as I shoot back another text to Justin, attempting to juggle cooking dinner for the girls, plans with Julienne and a meet up with my baby daddy.
He's finally realised what he's missing out on and over the past couple of weeks he's been a lot more interested in the girls lives. I mean, I can't complain, it's what I've wanted all along, right?
From since I can remember I've been praying for the extra help with them. Don't get me wrong, I love them to pieces. They're my fucking world and I'd do anything for them but just lately they've been a bit of a handful, especially Royale.
I guess she's just completely confused by the different guys that are in and out of her life which I take full responsibility for. I mean, imagine how hard it is for somebody as young as her to learn who her real father is? It was hard enough for me to see him for the first time in years.
Jake and I are no further along than we were two weeks ago when we last spent time alone together at the beach. He's been working full time and I've been far too busy with the girls to find any spare time. We exchange the odd flirty text message every now and again and he makes it a point to check up on the girls every single day, which is sweet, but relationship wise we haven't moved any further forward.
"Ew mommy, I told you I didn't want any mushroom". I internally slap myself. How could I forget? God forbid Royale gets a fucking mushroom on her plate and all hell breaks loose. Take a deep breath Jay.
"Sorry baby girl, mommy forgot. Is that better for you?" I use my own fork to scoop the rest of the mushrooms off her plate and switch them onto mine. I realised that lately I've been a little harsh on them and I've got nobody else to blame but myself.
"Yes mommy that's better, thank you". Her scrunched up, pissed off face straightens and she returns to look like an angel once again. Although they're only young, they've both been noticing how stressed and busy I've been lately. Rina and Royales behaviours has changed rapidly.
My phone chimes for the hundredth time today and I roll my eyes as I unlock it to read the message;
From J; I think it's a good idea, baby girl. We could spend a day together, all four of us as a family.
To J; we are not together. What part of that don't u understand?
From J; I get that. I know. I mean it would be nice for us to take our girls out. It'll be good for them.
To J; see u tomorrow.
Then I leave my cell forgotten on the kitchen island as I begin to scrape the plates and load the dish washer. "Can you girls go upstairs and get yourself ready for a bath? Mommy will be up in a minute".
Without a word, they offer a sweet smile and run up the stairs together, racing to see who can get to the top first.
------
"Mommy, you look so pretty".
I quickly turn on my heel as I check myself over once more in the full length mirror. I'm dressed in a grey crop tee with denim overalls on top, casual and smart - but I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to settle with how I look. It's only Justin. I don't even like him anyway, right? He's my ex and the father to my children and that's all, right?
I shake my head and sigh in frustration but find myself smiling immediately when I get a glimpse of my perfect little girls. They're dressed in matching black YSL dresses and pink dolly pumps. If there's one thing they learnt from their momma it's how to dress.
"You guys look so cute" I say as I squeeze them both close to me "let's go downstairs and wait for daddy shall we?" Rina folds her arms across her tiny chest and pouts, "daddy is already downstairs waiting...he said tell mommy to hurry her black ass up". I instantly laugh at his choice of words, we could constantly tease each other about it when we used to be together.
My hands are shaking.
Why are they shaking?
Shit, get it together Janice. It's only Justin.
"Janice? Hello? are you okay?"
I feel myself jump out of my skin as I gasp loudly, my chest rising and falling with my hurried heart beat.
"Huh?" I ask, clearly confused.
Justin offers his typical irresistible smile and then bites his bottom lip, taking a good look at me, his eyes fixed on me for way longer that he probably wanted them to be. "I said are you ready to go to the park? I packed a picnic for us".
He waves the woven basket in the air and I manage to get a long look at the muscles that are bulging in his arms and the tattoos that are covering them. When we were together he had one or two tattoos but over the years he's basically covered in them and shit, he looks fine.
I paint on a fake smile. "Yeah, I'm ready". It's not that I'm not happy, because I am. I'm over the moon that we're all able to spend the day together. I never once in my life thought I'd see this day come, but I'm confused. Confused as to why he's trying so much now. Confused as to why he's suddenly started caring so much for all of us and worst of all, I'm confused about my feelings. Do I still like him? No. I love him. Of course I love him, he's the father to my children.
"You look amazing by the way, Janice. Thank you for agreeing to spending the day with me and our daughters".
Although I only offer a small smile and a "you're welcome" as he places his hand on the small of my back, the butterflies inside are going crazy and I try with everything I have in me to fight them off.
"How is Deshuan feeling now?" I immediately feel a pain in my heart when I hear his name. After everything that went down at the hospital, he really hasn't been feeling great. Almost every other night he's been coming round for dinner and even sleeping the night every now and again. The twins seem to take his mind off things for a little while but still, even with them, he's distant.
"He's heart broken, honestly. I don't wanna talk about this right now though. Not with the girls here".
I jerk my head in a direction behind my to point towards the girls, who are sat in the back of the car in their travel seats playing with dolls that they insisted on bringing from home. We're taking Justin's car today.
He nods understandingly but I can't help but feel slightly annoyed at him now. Bringing up what happened the other week only reminds me of the way he acted when he came to my house with Ashley.
"You were an ass the other day you know". His brows furrow as he concentrates on the road and I can't remember seeing anything as sexy as that in my life before.
"I know, I'm sorry". Without explanation, he instantly remembers what I'm talking about and this shows that he must've been thinking about it over in his head too.
"Why did you bring her, Justin? I don't want her around my--our kids". A sigh escapes his parted lips and he glances over at me to give me a look that I haven't seen from him in ages. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry about her too" I interrupt him so I can speak "it's whatever, Justin. She is your girlfriend after all, I just don't want her on or near my property".
"She's not my girlfriend, Jay. She's just there for company, you know? Something to do".
I raise my eyebrows as him and I fail to hide the smile on my face.
"Something to do or someone to do, Justin?" His laughter fills the car and my ears and I feel the goosebumps rise on my arms, fuck.
"Oh you got jokes today, huh?"
Written by the one of the Co-owners : @aftertaste_xo
