Just to Feel | Complete

Chapter 14

Waking up with a smile on my face was a first for me. Thoughts of the previous night's reconnecting with my dad, floods my mind.

It's hard to believe that so much pain and heartache can build up over time, and only after our intense talk, do I realise that most of it was born out of miscommunication and hurt.

I ended up thinking that my dad had turned his back on me because he blamed me for my mom's death, and at the same time he thought that I'd turned my back on him because I blamed him.

So much hurt could have been avoided if we just spoke to each other, but there comes a day when you just don't know where to start. A day when the hurt is so deep and overwhelming that all you can do is get lost in it, not quite knowing how to fix it.

"Good morning, Sunshine", his words swiftly bringing me back to the present, catching me off guard, "did you sleep well?"

"Good morning, Dad", I answer with a broad smile on my face, "I can't remember when last I've slept so well."

"I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I was wondering if you'd like to go visit your mother's grave with me. I usually go alone, but I think it's time that you also get some closure. What do you say?" I notice the sadness on his face as he speaks about her. Being alone at her graveside must have been so difficult.

Nodding, I say, "I think you're right. We should go together. Closure is definitely something I can do with. And I know that mom would have loved seeing us together."

"Yes, she would have", he smiles full of love and pride, "I'll give you some time to get ready." He lightly places a kiss on my head.

**********

Dad parks the car at the cemetery and we walk hand-in-hand, to mom's grave. It is a beautiful day and the cemetery only has two visitors, dad and I.

We walk in silence, noticing the wild flowers growing between the gravestones, taking in the beauty of the world we live in. It was as if we were both seeing it with new eyes.

We reached the lone grave under a beautiful oak tree. This oak tree, so very similar to my favourite one in our garden at home. Both reminding me of a woman standing tall with arms wide open, patiently waiting to envelop you in a warm hug.

The gravesite is very neat with a beautiful headstone shaped like an angel holding a book. Dad's choice of headstone brings a smile to my face. My mom was my angel and she loved to read to me. We'd often get lost in stories of princes slaying dragons to save the beautiful princesses... or at some point the princess slay the dragon herself, because face-it, sometimes a girl has to be her own hero. We'd dress up and imagine being princesses in make-believe worlds. My mom even had a specific cupboard where she would hang our colourful dresses, and store the swords and crowns. She'd often find me hiding in the cupboard, waiting for our special play time.

The message on the headstone catches my eye. "Our hearts still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow, what it meant to lose you, no one will ever know."

"The message is perfect, Dad", I say as tears roll down my cheeks, "I've lost count of the tears I've shed for her. I miss her so much. I start each day knowing that I'd give anything to have her here with me... her and Jeremy."

"I know, my Love. I miss her too." He walks closer to me and puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer and placing a kiss on my head. "I wasn't sure if you knew about Jeremy."

"I remember her holding her belly and speaking to him. I miss her voice and the way she smelt. I fell asleep holding her favourite bottle of perfume for so many nights, I lost count." I sit down next to the headstone, wanting to be closer to her. "I wish she was here to talk to."

"Now that you mention it", he says, as he joins me on the cool grass, "about two months before the accident, I rushed mom to the hospital. She miscarried. After Jeremy was stillborn, she was inconsolable, and didn't want you to see her in that state. She wrote you a letter and asked me to give it to you when I thought it was the right time."

I hear a rustling and turn to my dad. In his hand is an envelope with the words For My Princess on the front. He hands it to me, saying that he'll wait for me in the car.

The envelope is light but the thought of what it contains, weighs heavily on my heart.

Taking a deep breath, I open it and begin to read.

My beautiful princess Mia,

You have no idea just how much I love you. You could try to count all the grains of sand on all the beaches in the world, or all of the stars in the night sky, and you still wouldn't be close to knowing how much I love you.

It is as if you became my heart the day that you were born. I see life through your wondrous eyes, and I pray that you never lose that sparkle, that glowing courage, hope, love and that precious grace that is so uniquely you. If you were a star... you'd be the brightest one. If you were a flower... you'd be the most beautiful one.

Being your mother is my greatest achievement. Your smile lights up a room and your giggles are so infectious that I can't help but giggle too.

I know that you are destined for greatness, my Angel. Please believe that too, and always hold your head up high. I need you to know that you are never alone, for I am with you.

I am every beat of your heart, for your blood is my blood. I am every blink of your eyes, for your vision is my vision. And one day, when I'm no longer physically with you, know that I am watching from above and sending you so much love.

I am so proud to be your mommy. I remember spending every evening simply standing next to your cot, watching you sleep. Amazed that God loved me so much that He gave you to me. You are my prized possession.

I feel so loved when you throw your little arms around my neck and whisper, "I wuff you, Mommy", into my ear. You bring me to tears with those four little words.

And it's those four little words I hold deep in my heart. Knowing that you know just how much I love you, and I know just how much you love me.

You are surrounded by so much love. Your father is an amazing man. A man who always puts his family first. A man that you can be proud of. I know that he is the perfect man for me because I love who I am when I'm with him.

If I could make one wish for you, it would be that God brings such a man into your life. A man who shares your passions, a man who understands the wonder that is you, my Princess. A man that is happiest when you are happy. A man who gives you wings and supports your every dream. A man who says how he feels about you not only with words, but actions too. A man who thanks God for you each day... just like I have. A man that makes you feel loved and safe.

Remember to dream big, my Love.

I love you eternally.

Mom xxx

As I carefully fold up the letter and place it back into the envelope, drying my wet face from the tears I've shed, one person's name comes to mind... Christian.

I need to go to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WOW! The letter from her mother really affected her. I wonder why she wants to see Christian...

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