Chapter 13

198 14 8
                                    


I must have fallen asleep on the couch, and find my father sitting next to me, hugging me.

There is a part of me that so desperately wants to move away, but the little girl in me wins, as I hold on so tightly that I almost forget to breathe.

I eventually pull away from him, after what feels like a lifetime. So many emotions running through my being. How can such a small action, without any words, bring back so many memories and fuel so many questions?

"Father, why are you holding me?", the confusion clear on my face.

"You were having a bad dream, Mia, one that you haven't had for a very long time." His concern shows on his face as he tenderly removes my sweat-soaked fringe from my eyes. His touch is warm and nurturing, just like hers was all those years ago.

"Were you dreaming about mom, again?" The words seem to hurt him as they leave his lips. I can see the sadness in his eyes as he too was taken back to that fateful day so many years ago.

"Yes, it felt so real. As if it was happening all over again. All the emotions and pain still so strong after so many years." I can't look him in the eye as I answer. I'm too scared that I might betray the fake bravery, I so badly want to portray.

"I know, my Love. You've been so brave all this time, but you don't need to go through it alone. I'm here for you." Before I know it, his arms are around me again. How long has it really been since we spoke, or hugged?

Could he have been hurting all this time too? Just like me? Trying so hard to be brave?

"Why are you home? I thought that you were away on business?" I don't mean for it to come out as harshly as it does, but I'm really not used to having him around. It's been years since we actually had a proper conversation, so why now?

"It's an important time of the year for us." He is looking down into his hands as he speaks, gently fiddling with his wedding ring, which I only now notice he's still wearing. "It's nearly Christmas and the anniversary of the accident. Your mother was taken from us 13 years ago and it feels like it happened only yesterday."

I ask the next question before I can stop myself.

"Do you still think of her?", the innocent six-year old in me asks, desperately grabbing at any memories of her.

"Yes, I do... every day", he sits looking at me with a loving smile on his face. "You remind me so much of her, Mia. Looking at you is like looking at her. Your face, your smile, even the way you walk. I often have to remind myself that you're not her, the resemblance is so overwhelming sometimes. I have to stop myself from holding you and never letting go, too afraid that I'll lose you too."

"Why are you telling me all of this?" My exhausted mind can't comprehend what is happening.

"What do you mean, Mia?" He honestly doesn't understand my question.

"Why are you hugging me? Have you forgiven me?" I can't stop myself from pulling away from him, even though I can see the hurt in his eyes as I do. "You're never home, Father. I know that it's me you're trying to avoid. I know you blame me."

"Me, forgiven you? Don't you mean, you, forgiven me?" He is completely baffled by my questions. "Why should I blame you for anything?"

My eyes cloud over with tears as I bravely close them and take a deep breath. Speaking without opening my eyes, fearful that the well walls would break and I'd never be able to stop crying again. "It was after all my fault."

"What are you on about?", he gently holds my hands, waiting for me to steady myself before continuing. "What was your fault, Mia?"

"The accident...", is all I can get out before the walls break. Walls that I've kept up so strong for 13 years. Walls I promised myself would never come down. "It was my fault. I shouldn't have been singing along with mom. I distracted her while she drove."

"Do you honestly think that it was your fault?", he lifts my chin with his hand and looks me in the eyes. "Oh, my Love, you have it all wrong. I was driving that day, not your mother. Yes, you were a passenger... but so was she. A truck overtook another car on a solid line. The road was wet and visibility was poor. There was nothing your mother or I could have done to prevent the accident."

"I don't understand", I say shaking my head from side to side, "I don't remember you being in the car at all that day. And I remember mommy driving."

"Of course you don't, my Love. You only ever had eyes for her. She was your universe, and I had the privilege of witnessing the incredible bond the two of you had." I feel his love radiating as he speaks of her, his face glows just thinking about her.

"But then it doesn't make any sense", I mumble mostly to myself than to him.

"What doesn't?", he asks, holding my hands again.

"I thought you blamed me for her death. I thought that was the reason why you distanced yourself from me, why you wanted nothing to do with me for all these years." The words fall out of my mouth before I can stop them and I brace myself for what is to come.

"What? No. Do you honestly think that I blamed you all of these years?" He is so vulnerable and tender as he speaks to me.

"Yes... I do", I say hanging my head again, bracing myself for the onslaught of accusations that never come.

I hear my father let out a sigh of relief.

"That couldn't be further from the truth", he says, wrapping his arms around me. "I always thought that you blamed me for the accident, and that was why you shut me out for all these years. Never wanting to let me in like you did your mother. I knew that I could never fill the void that losing her left, but I wanted to be there for you nonetheless, and be your pillar of strength. I never wanted to witness you going through this terrible ordeal alone."

Father and I speak until the early hours of the next morning.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next morning I find myself still on the couch, but covered with a blanket, and my favourite brown teddy bear on my pillow next to me... Father must have put him there, just like he used to do when I was a toddler

And after an evening spent with my father, opening our hearts... I have my dad back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oooh very important chapter in Mia's life.  I hope that you enjoyed this chapter.   I wonder which wall will come down next...

Please remember to comment and vote xoxo

Just to Feel  | CompleteWhere stories live. Discover now