Just to Feel | Complete

Chapter 22

Arielle has just about calmed down by the time we get back to our desks. Me, not so much. I'm physically shaking, I'm so angry. I should have punched him in the face when I had the chance! I should have clobbered him with a kettle, hammered him WWF-style against a vending machine... Anything, just to make him feel pain!

"How could he do that?", she sniffs as she sits down in her chair, "he seemed so nice and genuinely interested in me last night. How could I have gotten it so wrong? How could I have been so stupid?!" Her head falls into her hands as her tears begin to flow again. "I really thought he was different. I thought I'd eventually found a nice guy. I was so excited that we seemed to have so much in common, only to find out that it was all a big lie."

"You need to remember that this isn't really about you, Arielle. Dylan is a very disturbed individual. He gets off putting women down and treating them like trash... like floor rags. He only feels like a man when he's hurting someone else. He is a sorry excuse of a human being and I wish that he'd never come into your life." I've wheeled my chair over to Arielle's desk and I'm trying my best to not let Dylan's terrible act affect her as much as it does. I can see that she is hurting. I would give anything to be able to take it away from her, and bring her beautiful smile back to her face.

Arielle stops crying and looks up at me. "How do you know Dylan? He mentioned that you guys know each other, but how could that be if we've only met him the other day? Did he ask you out on a date as well? Why didn't you say anything to me about it?" Arielle is expecting an answer, but I don't know what to say to her. The last thing I want is for her to know all about my disgusting past with Dylan. How he used me and then threw me out like yesterday's trash. How he destroyed my life and made me feel unloved and undeserving of love. He's the reason I've never been able to have someone special in my life. He's the reason I feel 'less than' and 'worthless'. I hate the fact that so much of me and my pain are still so wrapped up in him and his heartless acts towards me. Arielle is looking at me and I have no words. What do I say? What should I say?

"What do you mean? You and I both met Dylan at the same time, when he started here as an intern." Arielle's face tells me that she's not buying it. My lucky streak of 'acting cool' has worn off, she's seeing straight through me. Straight through my lies. I take a deep breath and decide to come clean. "Okay, I'm sorry... I lied."

I can't afford my mind to go back to that dark place. I can never find the right words to explain how he destroyed me... how he broke me. The last thing I want is for Arielle to look at me with pity in her eyes. That would really damage our friendship.

I decide to bend the truth a little. "Dylan... he really hurt someone who... I care about. Hurt her bad. It was a while back, but I've never forgiven him. Believe me when I say that you are better off without him. He really isn't worth your tears."

Arielle is calmer now, no trace of tears in her pretty eyes. "I'm sorry to hear about what he did to your friend. I hope she's moved on and has found happiness. Now that I think of it, he really isn't worth my tears. You're right. Bugger him!"

Looking at my watch, I notice that most of the day has been spent on the 'Dylan drama'. Arielle seems to be feeling better about the situation, but Dylan's threat keeps running through my mind. Would he really be able to get us both kicked out of the internship?

I'm counting down the minutes now. I need to get home. I feel my anxiety level building and I can't let my colleagues see that. I need them to think of me as 'normal', even though I'm anything but. 'Normal' isn't a word used to describe me. 'Damaged', 'broken', 'unworthy' springs to mind, but never 'normal'.

I cut the world out when I get anxious. I retreat into my mind. I don't even spend time with Christian or my dad. As amazing as Christian is, I'm struggling to let him in. It scares me to think of what he'd say if he knew about my past... about Dylan. That reminds me, I still haven't checked any of Christian's messages!