Just to Feel | Complete

Chapter 18

My first week at Kepler Publishing House is going really well. We've been invited to sit in on brainstorming sessions with some of the editors, and even shadowed a few of the seasoned writers. I've already learnt so much about the publishing business, and I've only scratched the surface.

Arielle and I are allocated a piece to work on together. The interns are broken up into two groups of two, however as the sixth intern has not yet joined, James will work alone on this one. Mary and Harry pair up together. Whispering to each other as they snicker, passing dismissive looks at the rest of us.

We need to write about a current issue teens struggle with. My mind immediately leaps to self-harm, but I'm too afraid to voice this possibility as a theme with Arielle. I don't want her to think that I'm some kind of freak or anything. I had enough of that at school, thank you.

"So. Any ideas?", asks Arielle as soon as we get back to our desks after being briefed on our project.

"Well... there are the obvious ones that jump to mind", I answer, pulling a thinking face while trying not to give my secret away.

"Yeah, I was thinking that too", agrees Arielle, "There's bullying, anorexia, teen pressure, suicide... the issues are endless." Arielle counts the items off on her fingers, already holding both hands in the air showing ten items as she lists them.

I make a mental note of the issues as she rattles them off. I notice that self-harm isn't on her list. Am I the only one struggling with this? Maybe using this as a subject will give us the edge the other teams won't have? Should I mention it to her? Should I open myself up to possibly being found out? Why do I carry so much shame? Many people cut themselves... don't they?

"Uhm... there are a few not so common ones that you haven't mentioned", I offer, not sure if I'm making a mistake by opening myself up to get hurt or exposed, "I wonder if the others would even consider... self-harm as an issue. To be honest, I don't think they've ever even been exposed to it." I can see questions in Arielle's eyes and I add the last bit to hopefully try and hide my secret.

"You're a genius, Mia!", she squeals, grabbing my hands and giving them a squeeze, "None of the others would even think of that. I heard Mary and Harry discussing the more general ones, and James saying that he has no idea what issue to focus on, joking that he's more concerned about wave sizes at the various beaches." Arielle giggles at her own silliness and I can't help but join in.

Arielle and I pop off to the canteen for lunch. We both settle for chicken and mayo sandwiches on rye bread, and I grab a Pepsi while she grabs a bottle of still water. I really enjoy just chatting with her. Her perspective on life is so light and carefree. I envy how 'simple' life seems through her eyes. I wonder if she's always been like this? Has she ever gone through a 'dark' time in life?

"So, Mia, tell me something about you that I wouldn't be able to guess just by looking at you?"

"Uhm... I live on an estate and love horses", I answer.

"Too general", she says shaking her head and finger at me, "I need more..."

I look down at my hands. "My mom died when I was really young... and I was with her when it happened... my dad was driving... not his fault. I have no brothers or sisters... well my mom was pregnant, but... nevermind, long story...", my answer shocks me almost as much as it does her. Looking up I see that her face is frozen, and I can't gauge what is going through her mind. Why did I have to go and say that?

"Oh, Mia! I'm so sorry! I would never have guessed. You seem so 'put together', like you've got life all worked out. Saying I'm sorry seems so insignificant, but I am deeply sorry that you had to go through that. I know that you don't really know me, but I'm here for you if you ever need to talk... or even just a shoulder to lean on. I can't even begin to comprehend what you went through, but I can only imagine how empty my life would be without my mom." Arielle has her hand on mine as she offers support. This act of friendship is so small and subtle, but it means more than I thought it would. I actually have a friend. I never thought I'd see the day.