Silent Emotions

6. Know, Understand, Feel

Austin

I never had a pet. When I was younger I remember asking for a dog. I was even going to settle for a fish. Even if it was just one of those goldfish that die after a few days. So when Sam comes to school crying about his dog Spiderman, I didn't know what to say. I understood what death meant. I knew what had happened. But I didn't know how it felt. I didn't know the kind of life Sam had before such an abrupt change.

"This is... this is incredible!" Dad signed with a stretched out grin as he reads the paper. It simply explains the scholarship my basketball team is participating in. Every sports team gets to represent their chosen student with a disability or what not to get the funding they need in order to help with said disability.

"I guess," I tried to seem optimistic. Dad stretched his arms out for me to accept a hug. I kneeled lower to where his wheelchair was and gave him a hug. He kept thanking the gods in all different heavens. Being sure we'll win the scholarship so I can get the surgery I need. Though the feeling in the pit of my stomach is a little unsettling.

Why would they label my existence as disabled when I'm far more capable than anything?

Not having the ability to hear doesn't really phase me. It's how I've lived my life. And so far, I'm fine. More than fine. Blessed even. I have my dad with me at home, Amber is slowly getting better at the hospital, and my friends are just amazing. It's far from a hindrance when I think about it. I'm a part of a community, a culture. I don't know why people don't understand that.

I'd like to think being deaf was a blessing. Without it, I wouldn't have more appreciation for most things. I've been best friends with Emma, Sam and Eric for years. Though Emma claims the two buttheads were more my friends. She tries to deny it but I know she'd never trade us for a dorito chip like she claims. Because of my being the way I am, it lead to me meeting all these genuine people. These people made the effort to know me. To understand me. And I for one am thankful for having them in my life.

And I think, this is exactly how it was with Spiderman's death. They know I'm deaf. They understand what it is. They just don't know how it feels to suddenly have a drastic change in your life. Always with the pity and empty sorrowful statements of how unfortunate I am to be this way. It's tiresome.

The wonderful news just had to be spread all the way to my sister. Hence why dad had me drive all the way to the hospital so we can tell Amber more about it. I hate driving. When I drive, I can't zone out and simply watch the beautiful scenery go by. I usually make Emma do all the driving so I can do that and or mess around with the other two idiots.

"Are you serious?!" Amber flashed a wide grin, her head turning from facing me to dad. Her eyes squinted in sheer euphoria. I nodded, handing her the paper.

"After the surgery we can be roommates," I signed making her giggle. She pulls me down to sit on her bed. Her arms wrapped around my arm as she leaned her head on my shoulder. I leaned my head on hers, feeling the coldness of her frail fingers transfer onto a patch of my skin.

I felt my heart drop.

There was a time when I hated Amber. The mere thought of having a cute and more well liked sister infuriated me as a child. I did everything to drive her away. Whenever she'd come to my room with a doll in her hand, she'd hop over and smile. Tugging at my arm. I was only a few years older and yet my bright idea would be to bully her. Chuck the doll at the wall. Even then she'd silently cry, still clutching at my arm. Never did she once tell on me.

Now I can't even imagine letting one single strand of hair out of place. She's so pure and kind hearted. I should be the one in her place. She should be the one given the chance to live a normal life. Not to be hooked up on every damn machine in this place, still waiting to fully recover.

I felt my other arm yanked hard. Dumbfounded, I trashed around and found my dad freaking out. I looked and saw Amber spouting out blood out of her nose. It was flowing nonstop. I fumbled with her blanket and tried to assist as we wait for the nurse. Dad keeps punching at the call button until a nurse comes rushing in.  By the time I was removed from her bed and they helped put another tube down her throat, Amber's eyes rolled up to the back or her head. She was seizing, bleeding- everything we feared to see her go through. The doctors did everything to prep her for surgery in such short notice.

The drive home was silent. Dad and I too exhausted to even think. My brain automatically set itself to autopilot as I drove us home.

"You're going to get that surgery," he signed with shaking hands. I nodded, a little hesitant about it all.

"I want you to be able to hear her last words," he mumbled to himself. He thought looking down and not moving his lips as much would deter me from understanding. When most of my years in high school have trained me to easily read lips.

"She's not going to die," I threw my hands out in anger. Dad shook his head with guilt in his eyes, "No. No. Son, I didn't mean-"

"Amber is not going to die," I signed one last time before rushing out the front door. My eyes were filled with tears threatening to spill. I zoomed down the road, trying to get to Emma's house. My hands tightened on the steering wheel as my mind kept racing with all the negative thoughts.

The sound of my knuckles pounding on the door echoed. Emma answers the door looking like hell but in a cute way. She tends to get hangovers easily while I'm more fortunate on not getting even the slightest headache. Her hair was up in one of those donut looking ponytails. I think she calls it a bun. It looks like a donut to me. While wearing an old Dave and Busters hoodie along with a pair of sweats. I remember getting her the hoodie at her 8th birthday. Her dad rented out the whole entire place.

"What's wrong?" She asked as we head over to the kitchen. Commonly known as our headquarters. I searched through the cupboards and found a box of Cap n Crunch. Completely shredding the box open, I shovel a handful of cereal in my mouth.

"Nothing," I waved off as I continue to stuff my face. "You're stress eating again," she tries to reach for the box only for me to hiss and jump on a counter. I sat down and glared.

"Or I'm just hungry," I signed. Trying to seem cheery even though I was way past that.

"Stress eating," she accuses before sitting next to me and laying her head on my arm. Her hand reaches around my back and she begins to trail her hand on my back in a comforting motion.

"Your dad again?" She signed. I nodded, still looking ahead and munching.

"He said Amber was gonna die," I signed angrily. My brows furrowed though really I was just sad at the thought of her actually leaving us.

"I'm sure that's not what he meant. He loves your sister too you know," Emma reasoned. Poking my face when I looked away trying not to see what she says.

"I know he does," I signed back.

"And he loves you too," she nudges me with her shoulder.

"He probably loves her more than me," I shrugged. Emma pressed her lips together trying not to laugh.

"Probably," she agrees. I faked a hurt expression making her burst out in laughter. I joined her, feeling the stress significantly die down. We ended up playing video games that day as usual. Though I bid her goodbye right when it was getting dark. There was school tomorrow and I had morning practice. I went to sleep that night feeling uncertain about a lot of things.