Silent Emotions

17. Truth

Do you ever recall a certain event as being one thing, only to find out that your mind contradicts the truth? When you close your eyes you remember your first ever bike to be entirely pink with white wheels. But then soon discover your bike was actually blue with yellow wheels. Funny isn't it?

It's called the Mandela effect.

I felt my heart pound against my rib cage. Nothing about this was going well. For whatever reason, I found refuge in my usual hiding spot. The park off of main street. I couldn't focus on anything else but the mere thought of how infuriated Austin would be. I already lost Sam. The thought of losing Austin gave me waves of anxiety.

A buzzing sound caught me by surprise. It must be him. I messaged him to come over right away. We couldn't talk about this at my house. Neither could we at his. I felt my brows crease at the sight of my mom's face flashing on my phone screen.

"Hello?" I choked out. After my conversation with Eric and Ken, I practically begged my dad to discharge me. He didn't even blink and signed me out right away. Hoping I was "fixed" once again. That I was me once again. But how do I revert back to my old self when I don't know myself?

"Where did you go? I need you to come home!" She was worried sick and it was all my fault. But I knew deep down I could no longer hide this fact.

"I-- you don't understand mom. I need to tell him. I need to tell Austin the truth that day," my voice trembled. I stubbornly swallowed the lump forming in my throat. "You were there. You know exactly what happened," I felt my throat being squeezed tighter. The thought of my own mom keeping this secret from both Austin and I made me sick.

Even the news barely had any information about the tragedy. I can't help but feel like it was all covered up. And who better to do so but my parents.

"..honey," I heard her faintly whisper. A sound of twigs being stepped on echoed from behind. I whipped my head to see Austin with a sad smile standing only a couple feet away from me.

"You don't remember? It wasn't me in that car with you. It was your Aunt Tessa." I felt all the air escape my lungs. My hands started to sweat as I watched Austin approach closer. It's been a while since I've seen him. Considering how much time we used to spend attached at the hip together. I instantly tucked my phone into my pocket once he gestured for a hug.

"What's that?" I asked. He bashfully shows me a rose. Like the ones I remember people throw on top of their loves one's caskets.

"I brought you a rose. Since you weren't there for Sam's funeral. I figured you'd want to do it yourself," he spoke slowly. Some words muffled while others were slurred. It felt so good to finally hear him speak a whole sentence. I hugged him once again, cherishing this moment before I dropped the nuclear bomb.

"How does it feel? Do you feel any different?" I asked attentively. He chuckles, "Actually yeah. My whole life I thought I was completely deaf. When turns out it wasn't the case. I could still hear muffled sounds. Just not coherently. The surgery helped with that. I'm still somewhat recovering."

"See. Looks like starting speech therapy at a young age did help," I smiled.

"Stop that," he ruffles my hair. I leaned away, half-heartedly laughing along with him. He tried to reach for my face out of habit. He knew. He knew I had to tell him something that might break our friendship. "Whatever it is.. you don't have to tell me," he solemnly said.

Almost as if he were pleading for me to lock it away and throw the key.

But I couldn't.

"Austin.. that day.. the accident," I forced myself to look him in the eye. His beautiful brown eyes staring at me. Filled with adoration since kindergarten.

"Emma no," Austin turns away. Trying to cover his ears. Something even his own hands couldn't quite grasp.

"Do you remember anything? Anything at all?" I asked. "I.. don't care." He denied, knowing full well I knew him better than that. No, I knew him better than he knew himself. Austin blocks out anything about that accident. He became content with the sugar coated lies fed to us by our own parents. All those sleepless nights consisting of him screaming and covered in sweat. And yet, he would shrug it off and sign to me that he's fine.

He didn't want the truth, but he needed it.

"I know what happened that day. I was there," I said out loud as I signed slowly. My throat constricting itself for every syllable that came out of my lips. The light in his eyes died as I watch the gears shift in his mind.

"And as for the crash.. I was there too," I gulped. My eyes watch as he slowly deteriorates in front of me. The hope and belief turning into emotions of uncertainty. "I'm sorry Austin.. I just found out--"

"Slow down," he holds his hand out. His eyes looking around as he avoids to make direct contact with me, "I don't understand. You mean you were there too?" I felt a bit of hope bubble inside of me. He wasn't yelling, nor was he lashing out. He was oddly calm.

"Yes. My parents used to tell me when I was little I got into an accident when I fell off my bike. When that wasn't the truth at all. I was in a car with my aunt and Ken. We were one of the cars that crashed on the road. The same road you and your family got into an accident," I explained.

"Your.. parents.. they knew about the accident?" his voice felt cold. So cold I couldn't bare to stand still. It felt like I stood on thin ice and any movement I made would submerge me in ice cold water.

"Yes but--" I tried to reach for him, I needed him. My hands instinctively held onto his.

Smack. I felt my hand sting with pain.

"Don't touch me," he gritted out. His eyes were closed tightly. As if the mere sight of me disgusts him. I felt tears prick my eyes. "Austin," I called out running after him. He walked away, trying to shield his contorted face away. Contorted in anger, confusion, and most of all, betrayal.

"Austin listen to me. I didn't know. I--" I tried to explain only to crash into his torso once he suddenly halts in his steps.

"You... For years I cried to you. I showed you how pathetic I was," his voice broke as he gathered the courage to speak his mind. "You watched me cry over Amber. You watched Amber go in and out of the hospital.. And your parents.."

"Did they know about this?" he asked. I nodded silently.

His tearful eyes met mine, "Your parents were the ones buying my dad's silence. They were the ones who covered it up! It all makes sense now. The money.. and how kind they were to me.."

"Austin you don't understand," I tried to fight back tears as they angrily flowed out. He began to hysterically laugh which turned into him screaming into his palms. I watch as he angrily ran his hands through his tussled hair.

"No no no. You don't understand. You don't understand shit, Em. You're just a spoiled brat who thinks the world is unfair to her once she doesn't get her way!" Austin shouted out of anger. I felt a familiar hurtful jab to my heart for every word he uttered. "Austin that's not fair," I signed out. No words could get past the blockage I had in my throat.

"What's not fair?! Is it fair that all those nights you get to sleep in your own fucking bed I slept in those stupid chairs at the hospital?! While you were being tucked into bed by your parents, I was watching mine die!!" He scoffed, "Please tell me how that's fair Em."

"You were my person Em. You were my everything. You were the reason I even got out of bed on most days," his tear filled eyes searched mine once again. I felt weak against his stare.

"But it turns out you're the reason why I lost everything," he whispered.

"Do us both a favor Em. Don't ever talk to me ever again," he signed. No longer considering me worthy of his breath.

"Austin!" I cried out.