Silent Emotions

13. I miss my friend

A/N: IMPORTANT

Okay, sooo before any of you correct me or just yell at me-- pleease understand that I am not an expert. Okay? I have done my share of research to know the crucial info I need to build my character. Not all deaf people can't hear completely. There are certain tones and sounds that their ears can pick up. But just can't fully digest.

If you have more helpful info that you can share with me, please do tell by leaving me a message in my inbox. Thank you.

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Austin

6:00 am

I can hear. Not as clear as most. But the noise, the mumbles-- they're there. More so than I'd like. But I guess for so long it became something normal. Something not worth to bat an eye to anymore. At least that's what this large sum of money is supposed to make me feel like.

"Seriously?" I signed at dad. He held his hands up, caught in the act. I've told him multiple times. To just say no. To reject the ludicrous amount of money sent to us by the people involved in that accident.

Because no amount of money will bring back mom. It won't magically fix my dad's spine. Nor would it give Amber all the years she had spent in that damn hospital back. It will never pay us enough to have our old life back. It will never be enough to make us any less miserable.

"You think all of Amber's hospital procedures were free?" Dad signed with a pained look on his face. I clenched my fist, trying to refrain from punching the wall. Of course I know. I was suspicious of how easily the bills were paid. But I ignored it. I had some wishful thinking of somehow things just worked out on their own.

"I gotta go," I signed. Knowing full well dad was yelling for me to come back. To talk some more. And yet here I was running away from my problems.

It would be normal for me to go to my girlfriend for comfort. So why did I find myself standing in front of Emma's house? I jumped at the feel of someone tapping my shoulder.

"Hey Austin," Mr. Voss signed. I greet him with the same tired smile he showed me. Both of us understanding how none of us were in the mood to be cheerful. Mr. Voss was always more practical. He rarely ever wore suits, never shaves, and loves to wear sweatpants. The only reason he'd ever trim his beard or even wear something nice is if Mrs. Voss were to scold him. Which is almost always.

Mr. Voss opens the door ushering me to follow in. I close the door behind me and proceed up to Emma's room. My fist banged on her door five times in rhythm. One, two, three, four, five-- and another. I won't stop until she answers the other.

"Austin?" Emma croaked. Her hair tossed in all directions. I engulf her in a bear hug. Stuffing my face into the crook of her neck. It always made me feel safe whenever I did this. I felt her hands wrap around me. Making the feeling even more secure.

That was, until I had the huge urge to vomit.

I pushed her aside and went straight into her bathroom. My hands pulled the toilet seat up and soon the food I ate was pouring out of me. The acid burned as it barges through my throat and out my mouth. I felt weak. I shook to my core. Soon Emma comes in with a glass of water. I graciously accept it feeling faint.

Emma pulled me up to help me clean my face. I wiped off some of the chunks and splashed water all over my face.

After gulping all the water down no matter how much my stomach protested, I laid down on the floor. It felt comfortable. To just lay there. Emma wasn't having it. So she drags me by my feet. My head mostly hitting furniture as she mercilessly drags me.

"If you're gonna lay on the floor it better not be in the bathroom. Here," she tosses a pillow and a blanket over to me. I grab them, letting the blanket cocoon all over me.

"I sleep here. Goodnight," I lazily signed. Emma lays down next to me and pulls some of the blanket over here. She turns her head and with a small smile says, "Goodnight."

The nap gave me a tiny amount of energy I needed. Sleep deprivation along with alcohol don't really mix well for me. I woke up with a mild headache. It was clearly in the middle of the day from the way the sun was still shining outside. 

Emma was snuggled quite comfortably next to me. Her head laid down perfectly on my chest. Her arm draped across my torso. While her leg tangled with mine. I couldn't help but smile. She was adorable.

Gently caressing her face, I felt my smile deepen. She has always been someone special to me... and yet.. I couldn't help but feel like this wasn't something I should be doing. I felt guilt consume me when I was reminded that I was with Jessica. It's not fair to both of us if I kept going on like this.

"Austin?" Emma says as she slowly blinks her eyes open. Rubbing the sleep away from her eyes, she looks up at me in confusion. I woke her up by standing abruptly. I couldn't fully think of what was best. Or what I was feeling.

Everything was clear. I'm dating Jessica. I'm best friends with Emma. And yet, why am I so full of doubts? Why does it feel like I'm betraying a part of me by distancing myself from Emma?

"I.. I can't do this," I signed after combing my hand through my hair. Emma catches my arm and held it to stop me from leaving her room. Her brows creased as her eyes showed deep worry.

"What's wrong?" she signs. I shook my head, "I don't know."

 I really didn't. And it hurt not knowing. I hate not knowing.

"I got a hamster. I was only supposed to get some milk," she signs without stopping. Her eyes locked on mine the whole time.

"I went to the grocery store. But then I saw that they were having a sale. So I got a hamster. I bought it a cage and everything--"

"What's the point of telling me all this?" I interjected. My hands faster than hers.

"I miss my friend!" she signed with tears pricking her eyes. I felt my heart ache. My hands instinctively shot up to hold her. But I knew better. I stopped my hands in midair.

"You.. I thought you told me you loved me.." I signed, feeling conflicting waves of emotions hit me.

"And you said you loved me too," her hands covered her face as tears began to pour out of her steel gray eyes. I chewed on my fist, trying my hardest not to embrace her. "But.." I started to sign.

"But you're with her now. Is that it?" she scoffs. I may not hear her say it differently to show how much she found me unbelievable. But I could tell by the way she tilted her head up and smiled sadly. Her eyes red from the tears I caused her made it harder for me to look at her directly.

"You don't think I know that? I know. You chose her," she signed as she looked away. When I finally found the courage to reach out to her, to touch her-- to give her a sense of comfort.. I felt my whole body thrown out of her room. She looks at me with tearful eyes before slamming the door on me.

I knocked, pounded, slammed my fists on the door. I went at it until I felt drained. I turned and leaned my back on the door. Feeling disappointed in myself. 

I miss my friend too.