Boats & Birds (Dazai X Reader)

Pacify Her

"Good morning!" You exclaimed as you entered the Agency's office

You were feeling even worse, than before. After that incident with the mirror and all antidepressants, that you've taken, you were now feeling empty and numb. You felt nothing. Neither sadness, nor happiness. All feelings were left at home, where you took those pills. Feeling nothing was even worse, than feeling too much, but you had to take those pills. If you didn't do that, you would lost control over your ability and that was dangerous not only for you, but for the others too.

"Woah! (Y/N), what happened to your hand?!?!" Dazai asked you loudly

Your palm was bandaged. When you punched your fist in the mirror because of the uncontrollable rage, you hurt your hand badly. You even had to go to hospital because there were too many splinters, which had to be taken out. You couldn't do it yourself.

Dazai took your hand in his larger ones and qently caressed it with his fingers. "He's so gentle and worried as if he loves me" You thought. It caused even more pain, than before. Antidepressants seemed to stop working. Dazai's look at you made your heart skip a beat. His hazel eyes were looking at you with concern and tenderness. You wished it was true. You wished all of this was just a dream and you would wake up soon and find yourself in Dazai's arms. Just like in that morning after your date.

"I..." You started not knowing what to say

You didn't know wether you should tell him the truth or not. You were still unsure if you could trust him.

"I was cooking dinner and I accidentally hurt myself with the knife." You answered finally

Dazai looked at you with suspicion.

"How could you accidentally hurt yourself so badly?" He asked you

"I'm clumsy, didn't you know?" You answered

Dazai was looking at you demandingly because he knew, that it was a lie and he was waiting for you to tell the truth. He was looking you straight in the eyes, while still holding your hand. You weren't going to give up so easily and you starred at him too. Dazai's heart ached, when he saw the pain and mistrust in your gaze. He thought, that his heart would tear apart, when he understood that you no longer trusted him. He wanted to pull you close to himself, he wanted to hug you, to kiss you, to make you feel happy once again, but he knew, that if he did it right now, you would only think, that he's not sincere in his doings and tries to comfort you only for now. He wished he could tell you everything. He wished he could tell the truth, but he got an order from the director not to tell you.

You couldn't handle his gaze anymore and you looked around the office to see if that dirty liar was there, but (L/N) was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's (L/N)?" You asked

Dazai's heart skipped a bit, when you asked that because he understood why you asked. You real question was "Where's (L/N) and why aren't you searching for her, but you suddenly remembered about me?". Even his face changed. He couldn't continue wear a calm mask like he always did after that question.

"I don't know." He answered with his voice almost cracking "I have no idea. We don't talk, except for when we're in the Agency."

"Oh...I see." Was all you managed to answer

There was an uncomfortable silence between you once again, but Dazai didn't have enough will to let you go so easily. He couldn't let you go. He couldn't lose the only person, who made him feel like he was human. He couldn't lose the only person, who made him feel his own heart.

"(Y/N), I..." Dazai started

Suddenly, the door opened again and (L/N) entered again. She didn't bother to greet everyone and immediately rushed to Dazai and you.