So everything was fine. It was great. Until today. Everything crashed back down. My anxiety was terrible and I have no idea what happened. I tried eating lunch for once but I felt like puking and I couldn't stand eating, my friend had to take it away from me because I kept trying to stab my fork through the styrofoam plate. It seemed fun, okay? She didn't think so.
My friend is great. She's all tough and badass on the outside but gentle, nice, and understanding on the inside. I secretly love it when she lays on me at lunch. She's always so warm and when I'm cold she'll hold my hands to warm them up and it's really sweet. Her and I like similar things too. I think she's my best friend. But I think I might have a crush on her. She's like full out gay too. She's such a tease without knowing it. She always looks out for me and I do things she doesn't want to. Like in bio we were using chicken liver for an experiment and she didn't really wanna do it so I helped her because I'm a freak and wanted to touch it (my teacher told me I couldn't touch it, I asked) so I did some of it for her. She's amazing but she thinks she's fat and ugly and I really want to tell her she's beautiful but I don't want her to realize I might like her when I don't even know my feelings right now.
On another note, I still haven't seen my biological dad since October and I really don't mind. I miss him and all but I don't miss all his bullshit. My stepdad moved to Chicago during the week and comes home on the weekend and I miss him a lot but it isn't how I'd thought it'd be.
I think I'm finally slipping. I don't know if this is something that will just get better from here (y'know, rock bottom) or continue to get worse. I'll just have to wait it out i guess.
I've gotten back into Bo Burnham and I love him.
Whenever I'm upset I listening to Twenty One Pilots or Bo usually and it's calming.
It feels really good to write all this out instead of keeping bottled up until I explode.
I go see my therapist tomorrow at like 3:30 so I'll tell her about my anxiety and stuff. She wants a psych eval. done, she thinks I have ADD. Wish me luck.
What do you do when you're upset?
"Stay alive. It's worth it, I promise." -Tyler Joseph I-/
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