The Way of Fate (Book 1)

13. Home is Where the Heart is

Chapter 13: Home is Where the Heart is

Allen

My question hung in the air between us. Mika didn't answer me as he placed a forkful of food into his mouth, slowly clewed, and then finally swallowed.

"No."

"But you can't stay here," I countered, confused. This place was tiny and falling apart. How could he possibly want to stay? Did he think I was moving too fast in this relationship? "I know we only just started dating, but I can give you the guest bedroom. It'll be like your own part of the house."

"I said no, okay?" he snapped, dropping his fork onto the table.

I sighed, knowing there was no arguing with him at this point. I didn't understand his choice, but it was his choice. I just felt like he'd be so much more comfortable at my house rather than here. Besides, moving in with me will allow him to stop paying whatever it costs to live here - not like it would be much - and save more for the culinary school that he wants to attend. He also wouldn't have to worry about coming back here, to this dangerous area, late at night. It made perfect sense to me, I just didn't understand why he couldn't see that too.

But I respected his choice and dropped the subject, at least until the next time I came by, nearly two months later.

I had come home from work late one day in early December because a sudden snowstorm was backing up traffic. I tried asking Mika to stay the night so we could spend tomorrow together, since it would be Saturday and I was off, but he wasn't having it, needing to get back to his apartment for reasons he wasn't giving. So I offered to drive him. It was better than having him walk in this storm, especially when all he had worn today was his usual sweatshirt.

Thankfully he gave in and let me take him home, probably realizing that it was safer for me to drive him than him walking alone in this storm. He even offhandedly mentioned that I should bring stuff for Sam and me to spend the night, so I did, without questioning it. Honestly, if he didn't say anything, I would have asked to stay, just with how bad this storm seemed to be getting. I didn't want my son out on the roads for too long, and I couldn't exactly leave him home by himself while I dropped Mika off.

When we got inside, I took another look around the place, having not been here in a while. I wasn't sure if it was me or not, but the small apartment looked even shabbier than the last time, if it was possible. It made me realize - again - that he couldn't possibly stay here.

"Don't even say it," Mika said from behind me as he closed the door.

I turned towards him. "Say what?"

"How shitty this place is. I know you're thinking it, and I don't want to hear it."

I just shook my head, heading over to grab a blanket off Mika's unmade bed and then laid my sleeping son down on the couch, wrapping the blanket around him to keep him warm. I wouldn't let him stay here all night, but for now, he could sleep here. I'd figure out where to put him tonight later.

Mika was standing next to his table, staring down at his phone with what might have been a worried expression on his face. I shrugged my coat off before I walked over, wrapping my arm around his waist, not saying anything.

He sighed, tossing his phone onto the table as he leaned into me. "I hate my landlord," he muttered. "She's still coming tomorrow morning, which is why I needed to be here."

"What's so bad about her?" I asked. It was one of those topics he tended to avoid. All I really knew was that she was particular about this place, although I couldn't imagine why she would want it to look like this.

Mika shook his head slightly. "Everything. You'll see when you meet her." He then stepped away from me and took two steps to the other end of the tiny kitchen, running a hand through his rumpled hair.

"Can I ask," I started, hesitantly, "if it's so horrible living here, not only the conditions of this place, but with her as a landlord, why are you?"

He faced me again, dropping his hand to his side. He wasn't meeting my gaze. "Because I can't leave here. Not to live with you. Not to live somewhere else. I just can't, okay?"

I wanted to understand, really I did. So I kept asking questions. "Is it a contract?"

He shook his head. "It's month to month. That's not why I can't leave." It seemed like he wanted to say more, so I waited a moment before he did. "It's not really that important. I just... can't. You know?"

"No, I don't know," I said softly, going over to him and pulling him into a hug. He didn't react to the hug, but I didn't care. I just wanted to hold him. "If it's getting you this upset, it's obviously important. And if it's important to you, I want to know so I can help. I care you about you, Mika. I do."

"I don't know why you do," he said suddenly, pushing away from me. "I can't give you anything that you want aside from sex. Is that why you asked me to move in with you? So you could have easier access to my body?" I opened my mouth to disagree, but he went on. "I don't care how great the sex is, Allen. The answer will always be no to living with you."

"That's not what I think," I said, taking a step towards him.

He took a step back. "Then you just want me out of this place, doesn't matter where I end up, right?" Again, he didn't give me a chance to answer. "You don't get it, Allen. This is my home. This will always be my home. Whether you like it here or not won't matter soon enough because eventually you'll get tired of me and want me gone from your life. Don't deny it."

"I really thought you knew me better than that." It took all my strength to keep my voice level. I wanted to shout how much I cared about him, how I'll never just toss him aside like he was nothing. "Do you even realize that I love you?"

It had been a thought I was playing with for the past week or so, unsure if I did actually love him. I no longer had any reservations about it. I'm in love with Mika.

He stayed silent for just a little too long. I watched as he stood there, staring at the floor as he ran both his hands through his curly hair with a soft sigh. After another moment, he lifted his head to look at me.

"You shouldn't." He looked so pained when those words came out his mouth, that I barely registered what he actually said until after he kept talking. "I have nothing to offer you, Allen. I can't give Sammy a mother. I can't give you a wife. I can't even give you love, which is something I should be able to give you, but I can't. So you shouldn't have even bothered with me in the first place. I'm just going to be holding you back." By the time he finished talking, his voice was practically a whisper and he was no longer looking me in the eyes.

I took the chance while he wasn't watching me to walk over and gently lift his chin up to stare into his beautiful eyes. "Do you want to know why I am going to disagree with you about everything you just said?" I asked, my voice just loud enough for him to hear. He gave just the slightest of nods, so I went on. "Sam doesn't need a mother to grow up happy. There are plenty of same-sex couples out in the world raising amazing children. He also already sees you as a father figure, in case you haven't noticed. And I don't need a wife. Yes, I wanted to marry Sarah before she left, but I've moved on from her. I fell in love with you, Mika, and I'm quite alright with that. It doesn't matter that you're a man. Meeting you has made me discover a whole new part of myself, and I'm so glad that it happened.

"Mika, I know you've told me that you are not capable of loving someone. I'm going to disagree with that, too. I know you don't like talking about her, but I know you loved your sister." His eyes darted to the other side of the room, and it was at that moment that I realized why he didn't want to leave. "You're staying here because of her, aren't you?"

He nodded once, bringing his eyes back to mine. "It's the only connection I have left to her. I can't lose it."

I pulled Mika in for another hug. This time, though, he actually wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. Neither of us said anything, the moment not needing any words, even if I knew what to say.

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