Midnight Moments

things have changed

I found someone.

He makes me happy.

He knows me for the person I am now, not for the person I've been. His feelings have grown for my present self, not who I used to be. And that feeling of knowing that who I am is enough for someone like him is indescribable.

He gives me a feeling I've never felt before. With you, I always felt so dependent. I always relied on you to pick me up, to tell me I'm enough. With him, I just know. He gives me a sense of confidence in myself that I've never felt before. He loves the things you never did – the things I've always been most insecure about. He loves that I'm strong willed. He loves that I speak my mind and have the courage of my convictions, even if I can be overbearing sometimes. He says I'm beautiful, and I

actually

believe him.

He makes me feel independent.

With you, I always needed validation, not just from you but from anyone. I needed attention from other guys to make me feel desirable. With him,

I just know.

I don't need a cat call from a guy at the mall. I don't care if I get a cute snapchat from another boy.

His attention is enough for me.

With you, I was content with our conversations, but I always had to watch myself. I always had to hold back and make sure I didn't come on too strong. I always had to worry that my texts weren't captivating enough for you, that I didn't have enough to talk about, that I was boring. But with him, the conversations have never been so easy. I've never been so intellectually challenged before–never been so engaged. I want to call him. I want to talk to him about everything under the sun.

About his life

His family

His childhood

His opinions

His passions

His strengths

His weaknesses

His

Everything.

He listens when I speak. He absorbs my words and makes me feel heard. And I want to listen to him, too. I want to hear everything he has to say.

That's something we never had.

I've finally entered a world where you have flaws. A world where perhaps there's someone out there who could give me something you couldn't.

A world where everything isn't all about you.

And honestly, I want you to know that. I want you to know that you're not the only boy who can make me feel special. And you're not perfect. We were not perfect.

I didn't understand that until now.

Unfortunately, it's not that simple. He lives even further than you–

twelve hours.

And he's a senior. I have six months before he packs up and starts his new life. He would never want me.

Honestly, this whole thing is taking its toll on me. He means the world to me–so much more than he should–but I have no idea if I'm even special to him. Sure, we haven't stopped snapchatting since we met, but he could be sending the same pictures to other girls. He's impossibly adorable, and I'm sure there are plenty of other girls that share the same desire as me.

Why would he choose me?

I have no idea where I stand. I want to go to prom with him. I want to visit him. I want to make memories. But I have no idea if he even thinks of me let alone thinks of us together. I could have just been a hookup who refuses to let go.

I'm lost, and I can't even ask him to show me the way because I know if I do he'll just lead me to the familiar depths of rejection. Even if he feels the same way, he would never want a long distance relationship.

I know he wouldn't.

So as the ticking time bomb of reality counts down to my heartbreak, all I can do is soak up what little time I have with him.