Midnight Moments

a broken nicholas sparks

*Please read//very important author's note: Thank you for all of the comments, first of all. It really does mean a lot. However, it has made me aware that  I need to clarify some things. This is not a fictional story. It's not really a story at all. It's more of a journal for me. All the romances I've ever read on here or seen on TV focus on the love. I've been through that already. I want to talk about what comes after. I want people to know what happens when your heart is broken. I want people to know all of the things that go through your head. Everything written in this story has happened to me. I'm not gonna gloss it over to get more readers. I can't promise it'll ever perk up or I'll ever get over him (though I hope eventually I can write about that, too). But what I can promise is that everything in here is the truth. It's raw. It's vulnerable. It's me. I'm not giving names because I want to remain anonymous. I'm sorry if anything is confusing; if you ever have any questions, feel free to comment, and I'll clarify. This story won't really have much of a structure or plot. Like I said, it's more of a journal. It's what goes through my head. I know this might discourage some of you, but I hope most of you keep reading. I guess I just want people who have been through this to know that they're not alone, and I want people who haven't been through it to in some way be able to understand it. I hope you enjoy. 

A couple things to clarify before continuing:

-I'm sixteen

-I'm a virgin/don't drink/don't party/don't do drugs

-All of my friends live in different states; I don't have any friends at my school

Today I watched The Notebook. It made me think a lot about our relationship. A lot of people say that the love in movies is bullshit; it's just a movie, right? I can't say that. For those of you who haven't seen The Notebook, it starts with a young couple falling in love. They get in a lot of stupid fights. They laugh all the time. They kiss so passionately that you can't help but get butterflies just watching them. They have their own songs, their own inside jokes, their own unforgettable memories. They are hopelessly, madly in love. Well, Nicholas Sparks, you've met your match. Goddamn it, that was us. We could've starred in our own perfect little chick flick. That's how good it was. We were the kind of couple that other people dreamt about. We had the kind of love that people longed their whole lives for. And I know what you're thinking. I know in retrospect, it just looks like I'm some crazy obsessive ex girlfriend who can't accept the truth. And maybe I am. But I know you more than I know myself, and I know in my gut that you loved me and you meant forever every goddamn time you said it. 

Here's where the movie differs from my life: In The Notebook, they still love each other. They go their whole lives and even when they're seeing other people, they still love each other. That's how it was with us for our first break. You dated other people, sure, but you still loved me, and I knew it. I went out with another guy for a couple months but my thoughts never drifted and my love never shifted. Now, not so much. Now, I'm still so fucking in love with you while you're with another girl thinking of her and only her. You're gone. You don't want me anymore. And though I'll never be able to fully accept it, you're gone for good. You'll never want me anymore. 

I've never been one to believe in high school sweethearts, but something about that movie just made me think. While Noah and Allie were broken up, Noah was sleeping with another girl. And you know what that woman said? She said, "When you look at me, you see someone else." What if that's me? What if I go my whole life searching and never find a love like yours? What if all that I can accept is you? What if you're all I'll ever want? What if I blew it? I know I'll only get myself worked up thinking about this, but now that it's in my head, it's trapped there. You had everything I ever wanted, and you made me truly happy, and you loved me more than I could ever imagine. No one can compare to you. What if I lost the best thing that will ever happen to me?