It all started with Freshers.....

Part Eigteen - Rachel's Temper

The following Tuesday morning Rachel and I were stood outside NICU and she was staring at her goddaughter for the first time. Esme was a week old and I hadn't seen or heard from Stephen in the last four days. I'd been staying with my Mammy. I couldn't face going to our house.

"She is so beautiful," Rachel murmured as she rested her forehead against the glass. I could tell Rachel wanted nothing more than to be sat cuddling her but she wasn't even allowed into the ward. "She looks just like Stephen."

I shrugged her off. My eyes pricked with the thousands of tears I'd yet to shed over this and had already shed. A few slipped past my guard and I wiped them away carelessly trying to pretend like I wasn't heartbroken that he'd walked away.

"Yeh. She does," I agreed. It was true she did look like Stephen. It was the shock of dark hair and her little nose.

Rachel turned towards me. Her grey eyes very wide and prominent in her otherwise fine face. "Have you talked to Stephen?"

I shook my head. My ponytail flicked the side of my face due to the vigour of the action.

Instantly Rachel's brow creased into a frown. Her eyes hardened. "And why not?" She was trying to stay calm. It was obvious in the set of her jaw that she was trying not be get angry.

"Why should I? He left us when we needed him most...."

I was interrupted by Rachel's scoff. Her tone was hard. "Is that the truth, one hundred percent?"

"Yeh that's the truth. Why would I lie about this?" I was taken aback. Why was she starting on me? I was now a single mother with a new baby who wasn't well. Did she really think I'd lie about Stephen walking away? He walked away from me. I could show her the exact spot where we stood while he broke my heart. If she wanted I could tell her the pain I felt. If she wanted I could tell her while I always thought he'd leave me eventually there was a part of me who hoped he would stay.

"I dunno Ciara. Maybe to make yourself look like the good guy." Rachel had hardened. Our voices had both raised somewhat louder. Our previously hushed conversation was now one of a normal level of conversation.

It was now my turn to frown. "What do you mean? I told you what happened...."

"No you haven't! Tell me what happened!" Rachel demanded. It was rare she lost her cool. She was always so composed that to hear her voice pitched with what could be only be described as a tone was strange.

I bit my lip. "We were sat beside Esme's incubator and he started whining about he would never be a good enough father and about what he was going to do.... Then I called him on it. We went outside to the hospital garden and we argued. I called him on his fantasy daughter, his perfect vision. How I knew he wasn't happy with his lot because it wasn't how he planned it to be. Jeez Rachel you have to admit he wanted the arrival of his baby to be perfect. Then I told him because I knew it wasn't what he wanted he was ready to walk, take the easy way out and he did."

For a long minute Rachel said nothing. Instead she seemed to process all we had said. She opened and closed her mouth like a fish as she searched for words. Then she found them.

"Anything you want to add before we really start to talk?" Rachel was getting ready to cut loose. I knew the warning signs from years of friendship. When she lost her cool she shifted nervously and stood up straighter both of which she was doing now. She ran her hand through her dirty blond hair. Her eyes narrowed as she searched my face for the truth.

"No. There's nothing to say. It's done. It's over. Let's move on." It was now my turn to be angry. How could yet another person I was so close with hurt me at a time when I needed their support most?