It all started with Freshers.....

Part Twenty One - What We Should Have Done A Long Time Ago

That night after spending the whole day by Esme's side I returned for the first time in a week and a half to Stephen and I's home. As I walked into the kitchen things came back to me. Memories of the time we'd stood there or kissed at the sink as I did the dishes. Memories of the time Stephen and Cormac told me off for scrubbing the floor whilst pregnant. Memories of the time Stephen tried to make dinner and burnt the lasagne.

I didn't realise how much I missed him until now. The pain was acute. I needed to hold it together to try and win him back because seeing me a tear stained mess was not going to help my cause.

I plugged my iPod in to the dock and flicked looking for the song I hoped would remind him of us.

He arrived at nine on the dot. The first thing I noticed was he'd lost weight. Stephen had never been fat but he was now slimmer than ever. Narrow round the face. His cheekbones were sharper in his long, gaunt face. His beautiful eyes looked too big for him. He looked older than nineteen. 

"Stephen..." I breathed as I took in every detail of him. Looking at him I fell even more in love with him than ever. I hated myself for hurting him. I hated myself for letting him go this way.

"Ciara," he murmured running his eyes up and down my length. They darkened slightly with pain as he looked at me.

I bit my lip trying to remember the words I'd planned to say but somehow in that moment they didn't seem right. They felt too prepared, too false. He wouldn't believe me. I opened and closed my mouth mutely.

"How's Esme? I've been to see her at night and stuff but I haven't really spoken to any doctors..." He trailed off as though he had no right to see Esme.

"She's doing really good Stephen. She now weight four pounds two ounces. Whatever it is they're doing is working..." I told him gently.

He smiled sadly at me. "That's great Ciara. She's so beautiful."

"Yeh she is... Just like her Daddy."

Stephen flushed a rosy red, something I'd never seen him do before. He was paler than ever so now like me his skin would betray everything he was feeling, the way mines did to me.

I stepped towards him. I needed to just tell him I was sorry for everything.

"Stephen... I am so sorry for everything I said to you. I shouldn't have attempted to hurt you like that. I take it all back..." I paused searching for something nice to say to him. I reached out and touched his arm feeling the same warm tingly feeling I associated with Stephen's touch. "Stephen, I need you. I don't want to be without you. This last week and a half has been hell. Every time I've sat by Esme's incubator I've wished you were sat there with me. I've thought that I'd be able to cope better if you were sat there beside me. I miss you when I roll over at night and see the empty space where you slept and I miss you. I miss how you pull me closer in your sleep...." I trailed off. "Stephen, I know I'm asking you for something impossible but I'd like to get back together. I love you."

Stephen smiled softly at me. "I love you too babe. I just don't know how we will ever work if all you do is think I'm gonna leave you cause I never would leave you. I only left because it was what you wanted. I can't face being forced to walk away again especially not from my baby girl."

"How can I change how I think?" I asked him softly.

"You can trust me..."

"But I do trust you."

"Not enough and that's the problem..."

"I'll try harder, I promise." I breathed.

His hands rested on the curve of my waist. His forehead bowed down to meet mines. His lips were literally inches from mines.

"That's good enough for me."

He closed the distance and kissed me so gently it was romantic and beautiful. I twined my arms around his neck and pulled him closer.

"I missed you..." I murmured as he pulled away.

"I missed you too gorgeous."

He kissed me again. I missed this. He nuzzled my neck as he pulled away. His grip tightened on my waist. I closed my eyes in bliss. This was it for me. He was everything that I could ever want. Everything I would ever need. He was my forever. My happily ever after. The guy all the songs were about.

"What's your iPod all set up for?" Stephen asked me, his tone confused. His brow creased as he stared at it.

I chuckled nervously. "I didn't think you'd go for it and Rachel told me go for a big gesture. I thought I'd use the song that reminds me most of you."

"And what song is that?" He asked. A smile stretched across his face.

Mutely I moved towards the iPod and turned it on. The gentle beat of the music filled the anxious air around me. I was tempted to close my eyes so I didn't have to see his face but I knew it was something I needed to see.

"I know that I've been messed up
You never let me give up
All the nights and the fights
And the blood and the breakups
You're always there to call up
I'm a pain, I'm a child, I'm afraid
But yet you understand
Yeah like no one can
Know that we don't look like much
But no one fucks it up like us..."

Stephen placed his hands on my waist and pulled me in for a slow dance. If our neighbour were to look out her kitchen window into ours she'd see us slow dancing like crazy people.

"Yeh this is us." He nodded in agreement.

"Definitely."

"Dark times, you could always find the bright side
I'm amazed by the things that you would sacrifice
Just to be there for me
How you cringe when you sing out of tune
But yet it's everything
So don't change a thing
We both know what they say about us
But they don't stand a chance because
When I'm with you
When I'm with you
I'm standing with an army...."

"It's true Ciara. When you're around I'm standing with an army. You have my back..."

"Like you have mines..." I added.

He nodded. "Exactly baby."

He stopped our swaying to the music and kissed me softly.

The song changed to an old favourite of mines. A faster song. Summer of 69. Stephen smiled against my lips.

"Let's have some fun."

That night in our kitchen we danced around in circles like we didn't have a care in the world.