It all started with Freshers.....

Part Nineteen - Reflection

That night as I lay in the spare room in my Mammy and her boyfriends new house I lay and cried. I missed Stephen. This was so much harder without him. I rolled over onto my right to see the empty left hand side of the bed where he'd slept. I'd rolled over ever night for the last two months to see Stephen's face peaceful in sleep, his eyelids fluttering as he dreamt. On nights where I hadn't been able to sleep I'd wriggled closer to him, my bump between us and I'd felt safer knowing he was there. It felt as if nothing could go wrong.

Now everything was wrong.

In a perfect world I'd still be pregnant. Stephen would be here. I'd be fast asleep.

I felt exhausted. Older than nineteen. Too much had happened. I'd been made grow up too soon. As much as my life has changed I loved Esme and would never ever change her for the world. I'd never change my time with Stephen even if it had been shorter than I had hoped for.

As I searched for sleep it remained ever elusive. Instead of my mind becoming quieter it grew busier. I started to replay my argument with Stephen dwelling on Rachel's words from today, "I dare because for fucks sake I won't stand idly by while you destroy Stephen. I won't let you push him out of his daughters life because I can't stand to see him left broken. To be entirely honest I was hoping to see that you'd been pining for him noticeably. I'm trying to talk sense into you. You need that boy and that boy needs his daughter. I won't let you lose that boy. That's why I dare."

I needed him that much was true but he'd left me. I was doubtful that I'd actually destroyed Stephen. He wasn't that sensitive. He was sensitive to a degree but he'd once been a player. He'd been bitch slapped, had drinks splashed in his face, been told where he should go. I suppose his player antics had returned. He'd always fucked girls then dropped them. Why had I been stupid enough to believe that I was different? That I could hold his attention for this length of time. Why had I ever believed him when he said "I love you..." Even though the words made me feel warm inside, beautiful, invincible... A player didn't love. They weren't capable of it.

I ran my mind back over his face as he walked away. His eyes heavy, darkened with sadness. His face pale. His bottom lip trembling. The image of his sadness lingered in the forefront of my mind. It had left a mark on me I hadn't realised it had done. I couldn't rid my mind of that picture of him.

My most painful words came back at me. "I'll make it easy for you. Go! Leave! Get the fuck away from me and my daughter!" I'd done it. I'd been the one to push him away. If it hasn't been for Rachel I never would have realised what I'd done.

Shit Rachel. There was another problem. I'd told her to leave. I'd likely lost my best friend too.

Great... Well done Ciara. You deserve a pat on the back. My self destructive behaviour was coming back to bite me. Rachel was right. I was a bitch. An absolute witch. I didn't deserve Stephen and everything he did for me. I wasn't a good person was I? Though what could I do to get him back? He'd be crazy to come back to me. To a girl who'd chased him away. To a girl who'd done her best to keep him at arms length. To a girl who was as insecure as I was. Part of me hoped he was truly crazy. Only then would he come back.

I drifted into an anxious and restless sleep. The main reason for my sleep was I was so mentally and physically exhausted I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

That night I dreamt. My mind took me back to the first time I was accused of liking Stephen as more than a friend. We were sixteen and in Secrets a local nightclub.

Rachel and I leant against the bar heavily. We were rightly on despite being underage. We'd borrowed IDs from friends of ours and gotten ourselves completely dolled up to look eighteen. Our makeup was heavy and our fake tans as dark as could be.

Stephen rested his hands on my waist and I turned to look up at him. I shot him a drunken smile.

"Alright chick. Can I get you another one?" He asked, talking loudly into my ear.

"Oh go on. Sex on the beach please." I was starting to slur.

Stephen bought me the drink and Rachel and I headed outside for a casual smoke with Dylan. I sat on one of the stools in the smoking area and Rachel leant over the table. I clumsily lit the cigarette and puffed on it thoughtfully.

"You like him," Rachel remarked. Her all knowing attitude evident even when drunk. Rachel was the most insightful of us all even when completely full.

"Like who?" I asked as I inhaled deeply. It was almost relaxing. I stuck to smoking when I was drunk because I didn't want to be addicted. It was a habit. As a rule I had to be drunk before I'd start and even then three was the most because the taste would then make me heave or vomit everywhere.

"Stephen..." Rachel stubbed out her cigarette. Nowhere near finished.

"Yeh course I do. He's my friend."

Rachel rolled her narrow drunken eyes as well as a drunk person could. "No like him like him."

"Fuck off. No!"

She chuckled. "Eh... A spades a spade."

I ignored her. I caught a glimpse of Stephen standing chatting up this beautiful brunette. She was a leggy brunette wearing a black playsuit. He was a smooth operator. He reached in to her and ran his fingers over her arm, just gently trailing them lightly over her fake tanned skin. She flushed immediately. That's when he leant in. Lips close to her neck and whispered in her ear. Seconds later he was kissing her hard. A twist of jealously ran through me.

Maybe I did like him.

As quickly as I thought it I dismissed it. It was just the alcohol talking. Just the drink.

Later I saw him alone. The girl had tired of him. I was completely pissed. I was slumped in a corner with Rachel and a few other friends.

"You're a sight Ciara," Stephen said as he sat down beside me.

I giggled helplessly. "S--sss-so...."

He propped me up and hooked his arm around me. I sank into his embrace. Vaguely in the background I noticed the song Army by Ellie Goulding was blaring.

I woke with a jump. I'd actually managed to oversleep. It was now ten in the morning. Shit. Esme. I raced off to shower and was soon racing up to the hospital. No time to think about Stephen. My baby was more important.