L'appel du vide [frerard]

Chapter 6- Lost Emotions

In that moment we were both staring at each other intently. Unsure of what we were both going to say. We knew what was coming and we were not looking forward to it. Mikey Way. With a swift movement; my jaw clenched and I was on the ground holding myself together and finding the will power not to fight back. He kept hitting me though, he kicked and kicked at me until I was sure to be spitting out blood. Once the act was done I looked up and Mikey's eyes where dilated and the look on his face was one I usually gave to pizza or perhaps a newly cooked stake.

I knew exactly what he wanted and I was absolutely petrified. I squealed loudly and quickly attempted at picking myself off the floor. My whole left side burned as I realized what was happening. Suddenly all the pain came at once but then was gone in a matter of seconds. I felt his sharp fangs graze over the side of my neck. I closed my eyes shut and then I was pushed back done to the ground before anything could happen. 

"Stay away from Gerard, he's not good for you. He's not good for anyone..." He whispered. I gave him a questioning look but much like his brother he brushed it off and continued. "He's unable to love, he lost that human ability decades ago. He just uses people, Frank." 

I quickly knew what this was about. But I was not in love with Gerard so there was no need for that. I quickly shook my head rapidly. "I-it's not w-what it looks like, me and Gerard aren't i-in love, we're j-just f-friends." I tried to deny even though I knew deep inside that saying those words and meaning them hurt me more than the bruises that where sure to appear tomorrow morning ever could. "But you will. Gerard's like that. He crawls under your skin and steals your heart and then it's too late to turn back." He spat at me. "I'm only looking out for you kid." And as quickly as he appeared he was gone. 

I quickly wiped the blood off my chin with the sleeve of my sweater. I sat down and patiently waited for class to start. As the students started to pile in I nervously bit my nails to the core and started to doodle in my notebook. Then without looking up I felt the presence of someone sitting next to me. I looked up slightly and Ray Toro was sitting next to me. I gave him a weird look as he smirked at me and continued to write something down in his notebook. 

After fifteen minutes into the class, Ray placed a small note on my worksheet. I quickly unwrapped it and it read: 'So you and G, Eh? Totally rad, you gotta give me the details.' I squished the small paper in hand in an aggressive manner and looked up at him with a pissed off expression. He just kept that mockingly looking smirk while he chuckled slightly at me. He knew there was nothing going on between me and Gerard- they all knew. I realized in that moment that they knew about the kiss, they knew about my dreams, they knew my thoughts, my goals, and my aspirations.

But they also knew somethings I didn't know or couldn't exactly get my head around yet, but I knew eventually I would. That big of information they knew was coming in the near future that I did not know frustrated me, no matter what it was. It felt big; huge even, and I realized in that moment that I had fallen for Gerard. Hard and fast, and there was no turning back. It had been too late, just like Mikey had said.

But the worse thing of all, I had this hope lingering somewhere within my heart and mind that wanted to prove Mikey wrong. Gerard could love me, he was human once, the emotion of love had to still be somewhere in his heart still. It couldn't be completely gone, or at least I hoped. Because right now I needed Gerard to love me. Not just to prove Mikey wrong but to prove myself wrong as well. 

Thankfully, the bell wrung which indicated lunch time. As I walked out into the outside benches where I usually ate lunch to meet with Pete and Patrick I was stopped by Bob. He kindly asked me if I wanted to join them by their cars and have a smoke. At first I rejected the offer but after a while I was persuaded. I realized it was hard to say no to Bob because I was pretty sure if I continued to say no he would beat the living crap out of me. 

We walked silently to the parking lot. I passed by the bench where Pete and Patrick were quietly munching on their uneatable cafeteria food. They looked at me oddly and I quickly tried to explain that I was just going to have a smoke by looking intently at them and then directing their eye contact to Bob. They finally nodded hesitantly and continued to mind their own business. That's what I liked about them, if you told them to stay out of something they would because it was none of their business if you didn't want it to be. 

When we finally reached Ray and Mikey's cars they where all smirked down and me while taking a drag of their cigarettes in unison. Suddenly panic grew within me and everything seemed too planned and though out. It seemed like they knew exactly what they where doing. As I looked around, sitting in the open trunk of Mike's car, smoking along with them; actually looking like I was part of the group. I realized exactly what they where doing. They where taking me under their wing in a mocking way. They all had something against Gerard, which I was not sure what it was. But what did they want from me was the question.

I knew they were planning on using me in some way shape or form. As the three boys smirked in unison again and pretended to find what I had to say interesting and entertaining I realized that I didn't care. It wouldn't matter in the long run what they wanted because they where not going to get it if their plan was to hurt Gerard. Off course I was going to continue to pretend to go along with them for the free cigs and the good company but I knew I wasn't going to ever let them hurt Gerard. 

Finally school was over and I was ready to see Gerard. I waited patiently for him to come pick me up from school like he had promised. Mikey came up to me wearing his giant, fake smile and expensive ray-bans. "Hey Frank! Here's my number, call me if you need anything call me okay...I don't want my brother hurting you okay?" He handed me a piece of paper which I crumbled and stuffed in my pocket. He smiled again and gave me a hug and Gerard pulled into the stop. He quickly pulled away and opened the door of Gerard's car. As I sat in he looked pissed off.

"H-hey.." I said quietly. he didn't look towards me, just continued to speed away from the school. He gripped at the steering wheel tightly to the point were his knuckles turned white. He clenched his through and swallowed loudly. "I-is s-something wr-rong?" I questioned slowly. 

"Stay away from him, Franklin." He demanded without looking away from the road. I looked at him in disbelief. "He's nothing but trouble, he'll only make things worse." He continued. 

"Why?" I challenged a little louder than I had intended. Gerard's neck turned red and I knew he was extremely aggravated and annoyed at me. "H-he's m-my friend, Gerard, and he's y-you're brother-" 

"Just do as you're told goddammit!" He growled at me. I squealed slightly and sank down in my seat. I looked at his face that was still raging. I grabbed hold of his right had that had been clutching down at his knee caps. His grip tightened but then became relaxed under my touch. I looked back up at his face and I could tell he had cooled down to some percentage. 

"Do you love me, Gerard?" I asked to quickly before I had processed that I had actually said it aloud. 

"No." He replied so simply, like if his words didn't affect me, like it was no big deal. Just live everything to him was. I threw my hand away from his in disgust and started to hyperventilate. Mikey was right. 

I was then quickly dropped off at my house. I looked over at Gerard who was wearing an unreadable expression on his face. Not once did he look at me the whole car drive. "Goodbye, Gerard." I whispered sadly. He glanced over at me for a second. And in the second as I saw his expression- sadness, maybe guilt even. But then he looked forward again and gripped the steering wheel and he was back to a neutral expression.

He shrugged his shoulders and gestured me to get out of the car. I silently got out and closed the door. I ran to the front door and as I was about to open the door I looked back at Gerard's car. Inside I could see Gerard had pressed his forehead against the steering wheel and had started to weep in frustration. I sighed and opened the door and walked inside. I slid down the door and then everything became so clear to me. 

Gerard wanted to love me and he was trying his best to show his affection towards me, but he had lost the emotion decades ago and had forgotten what it felt like. What he needed was to find a new definition of love, make his own that made sense and find a new feeling for this bullshit emotion.

Redefining Love.