dear e,
you have no idea how many times i've started a letter that way. i have written so so so many letters, poems, and notes to and about you for the past 6 years. in the past 72 months i've probably written at least fifty things to you. if i wanted to i'd have a full on wattpad book about you. and i hate that. i hate how much time and how much brain power i used for you. for nothing really. i just... i want it to stop. so this is my last letter to you. it not handwritten, like the others but your not ever gonna read it anyways so what the hell, let's go digital.
i was a 9 year old falling hard for you, an obese 10 year old. i thought the fact that you were 10 was so cool. you were double digits in age, and triple digits on the scale. i would follow you around because 1) i liked you and 2) i had no other friends. no best friend. i desperately wanted us to be best friends you have no idea, but it's okay i have a way better and cooler one now anyway.
after 3 years of following you around and reaching out for you, i moved away. and rarely saw each other after that. it's amazing to think that i've consistently liked you for 6 freaking years. ridiculous. i never stopped liking you even when i only saw you like twice a year. every single time i saw you though it was torture. always so wanting to hangout with you like the three years before, but never even sharing a word, much less a glance.
that's not true. we've made awkward eye contact countless times.
after seeing you once, i go through these phases; falling for you all over again, missing you desperately, wishing we could see each other again, weird awkward one worded text time, forgetting why i like you, swearing you off, and then repeat.
i have sworn you off so many times it's just sad. but i do want this to be my last. i can't keep having you on my mind, e. through these 6 years you've always been in the back of my mind. at the bottom of my crush pile. whenever i have a crush, you're always on my mind in some way too. and it's not healthy. you're like my rebound. if things get boring, i just use you to fill the gap of boring crushless space.
my life is a big enough mess right now. i have so many confusing feelings for people that are stressing the hell outta me. i don't need this weird nostalgic glitch in that part of my brain. i don't need to constantly be wondering, "what would he say?" "what would he do?" "what does he think about me?" "does he like me?" because i know the answer; it's 'not me'. you wouldn't say anything to me. you wouldn't do anything with me. you don't think about me. you don't like me.
and honestly i don't like you. the only reason you're still on my mind is because of 1) nostalgia 2) you're really gorgeous and 3) you've been in my mind for so long.
and e, you're freaking boring. you're the typical guy that replies with one word. you're the annoying guy that says "i like all music" but actually only likes rnb because it's cool to listen to rap/rnb now. (but to be fair it is an awesome genre) you're the pretty face without content baby, and i'm sad to say it. you have two beautiful girls around you all the time now so even if i did have the courage to talk to you again, i can't. so i'm happy you have "friends" and i'm happy i do too. and even though you'll never see this, i still really care about this. so goodbye e, and i'll see you next time.
-c
y'all know way too much about me.
