My Brother's Keeper// Twilight [ON HOLD]

3. Hell

ELENA

I plop down on my small couch face first and put a pillow over my head. I lay perfectly still and close my eyes. I hear my door open and mentally roll my eyes.

"Vampires don't sleep." Emmett says picking the pillow up from my head. I roll onto my back and cross my arms. "What's wrong?"

"Everything." I sigh.

"You need to get out more. Kill the damn routine and live a little." He states.

"That's easier said than done little brother." I say.

"I don't care. We look out for each other, remember?" He gives me a slightly pained look. "And if I don't try everything I can to get you from turning into Mom, I'm not doing my job." I bite my lip before sitting up. "We're all we got, Elena, and if that doesn't mean anything, I don't know anymore."

"The main difference between me and that traitorous whore, is I'm not an alcoholic and I don't sleep with every man I can just for a buzz." I spit.

"Well you're starting to get careless. That's not a good way to be. Alright? After Dad left it was just you and I, mom couldn't have cared less if we were dead or not. I know why you always had me go out and do stuff while you stayed in and worked. I know why dad really walked out. Mom would get drunk she used to hit dad an he had had enough and left. You knew. You got me out of the house for as long as you could while you sat in there and let her do it."

"I didn't let her, I just didn't you want to see me and her fight. She never really got a hit in most of the time. She'd swing and I push her down." I shake my head. "I was kind of relieved when she died, actually. I didn't celebrate, but it was one less thing for me to take care of. You remember how it was back then."

"That doesn't make it any different, Elena, you still need to get your head in the game. Quit just doing the same thing on repeat while you start becoming less and less of a human and do something for once."

"That routine is what keeps me functional. If I were to stray from that routine I would eventually become completely reckless and leave. Just up and go when everyone's gone. No note, no call, no secret message, nothing. I'd be a cold hearted killer, and if Aro wasn't so obsessed with power, my head would be torn clean off." I state. "I know you want me to be the same me I was back before 1950, or even then, once I came back around, before I starting wasting away. I do too, but, uh, she's been gone for quite some time Emmett. If she's anything like her father, she's not gonna come back." I pause before looking down at the floor. "You have no idea what it feels like, never will. None of you will, ever. Carlisle thinks he's damned, well if he's damned I'm a whole other level of damned. It's hell being stuck here all the time. Seeing the same thing day in and day out. I'd do anything to go back so it never happened. But then again, I wouldn't. You never would've found Rosalie if I hadn't lost it. You wouldn't have even been on that side of town. You'd be on the East side with me while I played a game or two of poker with the Outsiders. You never would've gone that far west to see the preppy kids. To find a new girl Carlisle had saved and turned. I have spent my whole life making sure that you got everything that you wanted, or at least what you deserved. You found a girl, you fell in love, you graduated high school, more than once, I mean you can't have kids or grow old, but you're happy, for the most part.  That's all I ever aimed to do. So I'm perfectly fine with withering away here. Honestly, if it weren't for you little brother, I'd have killed myself instead living with mother, I'd be dead somewhere, just dead."

"What about LaSabera and John? What about when you put yourself through college just for those medical degrees so you could help people? What about those stories you would make up about where you'd be in ten years? Why are you so willing to just throw all of that away?" He asks.

"Because sometimes it's just better to let go and face the fact that it's over than to just sit and think about everything Emmett! Because sometimes it's just what you have to do! Because sometimes that's all that keeps you from turning into a monster!" I get fired up. "Alright!?! Letting it all go is the one thing that worked! Trying to forget that any of that ever happened is what keeps me from going insane! Throwing it all away is why I am still here Emmett! To think you would've figured it out by now. I've been doing it since day one, it's just what I do now."

"Maybe you could use everything you've been just throwing away like it's nothing to give yourself something to work toward instead of just pushing it behind you." He states.

"I tried. It made it worse. It made me another version of mother. I drank so fucking much because I was miserable. Besides, Sabe and John are probably long gone. It's been quite a few years since the twenties, Emmett. John's gone for sure and Sabe'd be just about if not already. That's if they made it through the thirties." I sigh. "But that's just how it is. Always and Forever."