K I N G

f i v e

"If you don't let it out, the grief becomes a scream trapped inside your soul, a constant cry in the dark, a sob you can never release." - Nikita Gill

Todd's POV
Todd avoided Neil for the next two weeks quite successfully. He ignored Neil when he tried to speak with him in the mornings. He walked in the opposite direction if he saw Neil in the hallways. He skipped meals to keep from seeing him or stole food from the kitchens when the hunger became too much. Todd wouldn't even dare look at Neil for he knew if he saw the hurt in Neil's eyes he would give in, but Todd had to be strong. It was better this way, for the both of them. Sacrifices had to be made, and Todd would sacrifice his happiness so that Neil wouldn't get tangled up in his twisted fantasies. Todd knew Neil was hurting now but he would be grateful in the future if he didn't further associate himself with Todd. Todd couldn't forgive himself if he ruined Neil this way.

Now that Todd was aware of his feelings for Neil, and men in general, he was terrified of being found out. He'd lie awake at night wondering what would happen if he was discovered. Would the others beat him? Taunt him? Send him off to the looney bin? Would his parents disown them? Jeffrey stare at him with a disgusted grimace like he was gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe? What would Neil do? Todd imagined Neil sneering at him is disgust, his bright brown eyes darkened black with revulsion and loathing. Those thoughts hurt him more than anything else. Neil would hate him. Who wouldn't?

The others knew something was wrong with him, something more than just a fight between himself and Neil. Charlie on many occasions tried to coax Todd from the library or to lunch, but Todd didn't budge. He was set on his path and knew he had to walk this road alone. Todd's stomach growled angrily, but he did not go to the meal-hall. He'd been skipping a lot of meals lately due to his mission of avoiding Neil. He also stopped going to the Dead Poet Society meetings they've been having lately. He'd give Neil sharp, but weak excuses about feeling sick or having too much homework. Neil soon stopped asking all together. An action that caused Todd more heartache than he wished to admit. However, he knew he couldn't sit in that crowded cave so close to Neil without his mind wandering about getting closer to him. If only not seeing his friend made it easier to forget his feelings for him. Neil was constantly on his mind, day and night. Not one minute went by where he wasn't present in some shape or form. It was maddening. Todd's schoolwork had started to slip, he barely slept, and he was constantly on the verge of a panic attack. Everything was slipping away. Todd felt like he was caught in quicksand; every move he made he sunk deeper and deeper.

Todd slumped over his desk as he let out a strangled moan. He was exhausted yet restless. His legs bounced up and down as he racked his mind for ways to get rid of this feeling without risking running into any of the others, or worse Neil. He found himself turning his gaze towards the window. He watched the trees bend and sway in the breeze. Todd felt an odd pull in his chest, a sudden urge to run welled up inside of him, and before he knew it he found himself standing up to grab his jacket and gloves. Todd felt strangely compelled to go outside.

The cool air was welcomed against his heated flesh. Todd rolled his shoulders back before walking towards the woods. He pulled the collar of his jacket tighter around his neck to help fight off the biting cold of the wind.

The further he walked away from Welton, the freer he felt. His fingers lightly brushed over the rough tree bark or long limbs. He walked passed the cave without a second glance as he felt his spirit shouting with the need to explore. He wanted to know what lay beyond that cave, what things awaited him. So he walked and walked, leaving everything behind. The more he touched the trees the more he felt the constant hole in his chest numb somewhat; as if he was finally able to relax a little. Perhaps he could learn to live with his unnatural feelings if he could do this every once in awhile.

Todd squashed down his feelings of grief as he came across a small river. It was about four feet wide and shallow water that would only come up to the ankles. His feet walked alongside the river as he took in the sounds of it's trickling waters. Todd plunged himself into the nature around him and imagined drowning his demons in the shallow water until they choked on mud.