A Candle in the Darkness (A Dragon Age: Inquisition fanfiction)

What People Do

1 Firstfall, 9:41

Cullen paced his office. It was really too cold and snowy even for him on the battlements tonight, much as he could have used the longer walk.

He felt conflicted—Antonia was home, but it hadn't been quite what he'd expected. While she had been gone, he'd imagined her homecoming in multiple ways, but none of them had pictured her quite as white and drawn and exhausted as she'd been tonight. He hated that she pushed herself so hard and didn't stop to take care of herself better. Why hadn't the others slowed her down, made her take it more easily? he thought. But he knew the answer—because she was in charge, and they all followed her lead.

Still ... it was hard to feel quite so helpless as he had tonight. He wanted to take care of her, protect her, keep her safe. He had wanted to do that since the first moment he'd seen her. Not that he'd had any designs at that time beyond simply feeling that she looked small and scared and overwhelmed, and wanting to fix that. He'd always had a soft spot for small, helpless creatures.

But it hadn't taken long for him to realize that there was nothing about Antonia Trevelyan that was helpless, and her very determination had touched him even further and made him want to make things easier for her. The more time he had spent with her, the more he had found in her to like. The way she made the best of the situation, the way she stuck to being who she was when the temptation to let people treat her as some kind of holy woman must have been exceptionally great, the small jokes and light-hearted remarks that brightened everyone's moods.

Before he knew it, she had become as important to him as anyone he had ever known. And to his surprise, she had enjoyed his company, sought him out, asked his opinion, made him laugh ...

A stab of pain made him practically double over. He held on to a shelf to remain standing, the pain making it harder to concentrate on anything but the memory, the demons whispering whispering shouting screaming crying into his ear, or was that him crying, begging them to stop, to leave him alone, to go away—

When he finally fought it back, he was on his knees. Above his head was the box. All he had to do was stand up and take it down, and he could feel that power surging through his veins, the power that would keep him strong against the demons and stop the pain.

With an effort, Cullen forced himself to his feet and across the room, where the box wouldn't be in reach. If he broke, even once, could he look himself in the eye? Or Cassandra? Or ... Antonia? Or his men, for that matter.

When the knock came at the door, Cullen was startled, but he welcomed the interruption from the darkness of his thoughts. "Come in." Part of him hoped it would be Antonia; part of him didn't want her to see him this way. Neither part had been expecting the Iron Bull.

"Commander. You busy?"

"At this hour? How did you even know I'd be awake, anyway?"

The Iron Bull came in and pulled up a chair. It shifted under his weight, but held. "Come on, everyone knows about you. Burn the candle at both ends, and sometimes in the middle at the same time." His single eye studied Cullen's face. "Lyrium?"

Cullen nodded warily. "Or the lack thereof."

"Need some? I can lay my hands on a good supply."

"No!" Cullen said explosively. Then, more calmly, "No, thank you."

The Bull's eyebrow rose. "Like that, huh? Damned impressive, if you don't mind my saying so."

"Er ... thank you. Bull, what can I do for you? I'd have thought you'd be as exhausted as An—the Inquisitor."

"Nah. She's a small lady. I'm ... not." The Qunari grinned, flexing his muscles, then sobered. "Actually, that's ..."

"Why you're here," Cullen finished. He groaned, rubbing the back of his neck. Was there absolutely no privacy in this blasted place? "You came because you heard somehow about what happened between myself and the Inquisitor, and to tell me if I hurt her, you'll break my kneecaps." He could feel the headache gathering at his temples, throbbing already.

"Got it in one. Nothing personal, you understand."

"Of course. How do you even know?"

The Bull tipped his head back and roared with laughter. "This Inquisition, one big chatty family. Everyone knows everything ... especially all the stuff no one wants anyone to know."

Cullen rubbed the back of his neck. "Why?"

"Why? Because it's what people do. Tell me in the Templars you didn't know who was taking a little extra time in the baths with someone else."

"Point," Cullen conceded.

"It's the same here. Besides ... everybody loves her." The Iron Bull's voice softened, and Cullen couldn't help but smile.

"You, too?"

"I wouldn't say no if she came to drag me off to the battlements." That single eye twinkled at Cullen. "I'd've thrown the guy off the wall, though."

Cullen laughed. "I can't say I didn't think about it." Although in actuality, he hadn't been thinking much at all. He remembered being almost dizzy with anticipation and with the nearness of her body, then being pulled from that anticipation and knowing only that he had to do away with the interruption in whatever way necessary, and then the desperate need to kiss her right that second, just in case this turned out to be yet another dream ... and then the unbelievable, incredible feeling of her in his arms, her mouth warm and wet and eager beneath his. He stifled a groan at the memory, so vivid, as arousing as if it had all happened just moments ago.

The Iron Bull stood up, grinning at him knowingly. "Look, I can see you're not getting any sleep tonight, and the Chargers are throwing a welcome-home for me in the tavern. You game?"

"I don't know ..."

"What else are you going to do?"

That was a fair point. The way this headache was going, the whispers would start up again any minute. Usually, Cullen tried to be alone when that happened ... but admittedly, he'd never tried drowning the whispers out with a party full of friends. For that matter, he'd never really had a party full of friends to drown the whispers out with. "Yes, all right. Thank you, Bull."

"Don't mention it. The guys'll never believe I got you to come down." The Iron Bull held the door open to let Cullen through. "And Commander? I approve. I'd really hate to have to break your knee-caps."

"Generous of you." It shouldn't have mattered what a half-naked Qunari mercenary thought, but it really did, and Cullen felt a glow of pride that went a long way toward pushing back the headache and its accompanying demons.