A Candle in the Darkness (A Dragon Age: Inquisition fanfiction)

Awakened

14 Haring, 9:41

Antonia stretched out on her bedroll, still thoroughly confused. It had been a lovely, if chilly, day, riding along at a nice leisurely pace, chatting with Cullen, stopping for lunch and dinner at the checkpoints set up in the mountain approaches to Skyhold. The soldiers manning those checkpoints had been understandably surprised to see the Inquisitor and the Commander of the Inquisition show up unannounced, but when they understood that it was not an inspection, they'd been thrilled to show off all the improvements they'd made and to just have a chance to sit and talk to two of the Inquisition's leaders.

Maybe that was what this trip was about, Antonia thought, but if so, why would he have needed to win a chess game for that? He could have just asked her.

They were on the edge of the mountains, and Cullen had promised they would arrive at their destination the next day, so it was clearly somewhere in western Ferelden. In the meantime, he had packed two separate tents, so they had made a hasty camp and now Antonia was lying here not sleeping in her tent, and from the lantern glow coming from Cullen's, he was not sleeping in his. Which seemed like a waste to her. Even if something in him still held back from full intimacy, just lying there close to him had to be better than lying here awake withou him.

She closed her eyes, drawing her blanket closer around her, and imagined crawling into his tent and joining him under his blankets. But as always on the first night of an expedition, she was exhausted, and so she fell asleep imagining laying her head on his shoulder.

Some time later she woke up with a start, the fog of sleep slowly clearing as she recognized Cullen's voice.

"No! No, you lie. Leave me alone! No!"

Antonia thought about getting out of her blankets to go to him, but she felt shy about it. If he had meant her to do that, surely he would have said something earlier, she thought. The sounds stopped before she could think about it any further, and she drifted off to sleep again, only to be awakened again ... and again ... and again by Cullen muttering and thrashing and crying out in his sleep.

Eventually she gave up entirely, sitting outside in her blankets and watching the sun come up. Was this what he went through every night? No wonder he slept so notoriously badly. Everyone in Skyhold knew that he worked through the night on a regular basis. The wonder of it all was that he ever got anything done—he must be exhausted all the time. Antonia stifled a yawn. She was tired herself, after that long night, and it had only been one night.

Cullen came out of his tent shortly after sunrise, seeming startled to see her sitting there, and a bit discomfited, which was not surprising. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were awake."

"I couldn't help it." She felt badly bringing it up, but then, he had to know she would hear when he planned this trip. "Is it like that every night?"

"That was a little worse than usual." He disappeared into the trees in the direction of the stream. He came back a few minutes later, his hair glistening and his face looking freshly scrubbed.

"Cullen, was it worse than usual last night because of me?" Antonia asked.

True to his word, while he looked like he didn't want to answer, he took a deep breath and faced the question head-on. "Possibly. Or it could be sleeping in an unfamiliar location. Or it could be Tuesday." He shrugged. "It's hard to predict."

"Is it getting better over time?"

"It got a lot worse when I stopped taking the lyrium. It's hard to say if it's gotten any better since then—there's always something on my mind since I joined the Inquisition, and the dreams capitalize on whatever that is. Shall we pack up?" he asked, signaling the end of the conversation.

Antonia followed his lead, and his mood improved as they got back on their horses and rode down the mountain path into Ferelden proper.

He turned off the main road onto a smaller one, and then after a little time, onto an even smaller road, more like a grassy path.

"Are you sure you know where you're going?" she asked him.

"You said you trusted me."

"I did. I do."

"Then don't worry." He was smiling, happier than she thought she'd ever seen him, and Antonia couldn't help smiling, too. If it made him look like that, she'd probably follow him into the depths of Seheron.

"Lead on, Commander."