A Candle in the Darkness (A Dragon Age: Inquisition fanfiction)

Love When It Comes

4 Firstfall, 9:41

Antonia was late for the meeting in the War Room, having gotten into a long discussion with Dagna about the relative merits of bloodstone and obsidian for a new grip for her greataxe. She hurried down the hall, her boots clattering on the stone floor, and burst into the War Room.

Cullen's head immediately turned in her direction, his face lighting up. "Inquisitor! We were—"

"Eagerly awaiting your presence," Leliana said. She looked from Antonia to Cullen, her eyes twinkling. "Some of us more than others."

Josephine put her clipboard up in front of her face to mask her laughter, but they could all still hear it.

Cullen's ears were bright red. "I wasn't—I mean, we were—" Now all three women were laughing, and he buried his face in his hands and groaned. "Fine, fine, get it all out of your systems." Which, of course, made them all laugh the harder.

Eventually Leliana regained control of herself ... until Cullen snapped at her, "Can we get back to work now?", which set them all off again.

"Well, that was a nice change of pace," Josephine said at last.

"For you, maybe," Cullen grumbled.

Leliana looked at him, her eyes unusually soft and far away, then dropped her gaze, the smile fading from her face. "Perhaps we should listen to our good commander and get down to business."

"Finally, one of you sees some sense."

Antonia couldn't help but notice he was avoiding looking at her. Considering that they had spent several good hours—very swift-flying hours—on the battlements kissing and talking over the last couple of days, she was fairly certain he wasn't upset with her and was just embarrassed by being caught out in a more or less public setting. She felt badly for it, but honestly it had been so nice to see Josephine and especially Leliana laughing so freely she couldn't be too unhappy. She'd make it up to Cullen later. And with that thought, she tried to put aside all thoughts of that complication and focus on the tasks at hand.

As the meeting came to a close, Leliana said, "Inquisitor, would you mind taking a walk with me? There's something I want to speak with you about."

"Of course." They walked out into the gardens, making their way through the carefully laid out beds of plants. "What's on your mind, Leliana? Does this have to do with me and Cullen?"

"Yes. And no. As with so many things." Leliana smiled a little. "How much do you know of the Fifth Blight?"

"What most people do. Grey Wardens, small group of companions, King Alistair taking the throne and Warden Amell disappearing somewhere."

"A concise summary. Do you also know about me and Warden Amell?"

Antonia lifted her eyebrows. "In a tale somewhere, I read something about his involvement with one of his companions, but my tutor told me to dismiss that as the author's fantasy."

"Your tutor? Oh, my, sometimes you do make me feel old."

"Experienced, I would say." Antonia sighed. "Sometimes I feel as though the Inquisition needs someone at the head with a lot more of it than I have." It wasn't just the Inquisition—how could her advisors take her seriously with such a gap in life experience between them and Antonia? How could Cullen—

"Because he sees hope in you, my dear," Leliana said softly, reading her thoughts. "Hope for all of us, as well as for himself."

"So you don't ... disapprove?"

"No. Not if it is not a distraction, and you both are committed enough to the success of our cause that I believe it will not be. But I do not know if you are aware of what you are committing yourself to. I wanted to tell you my tale—not so much as a warning, but so that you will know what to expect."

"What do you mean?" Antonia asked. Leliana ushered her into a quiet corner and they both sat down among the flowers.

"It is beautiful here, and so peaceful. How she manages to keep so many different varieties of flowers growing in one place at the same time, I do not know, but then, I have never been someone who grew things. I have always been more about destruction." She closed one small gloved hand, looking at the fist wistfully. "I destroyed many things in my early life, things of my own as well as things of others. And when I could not take it any longer, I fled to the Chantry for succor and solace. I was there, in Lothering, when the Blight came to Ferelden, and I heard—" She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. What matters is that I knew I could assist the Grey Wardens in their cause, and I joined them."

"What were they like? I've met King Alistair, briefly, but obviously not Warden Amell."

"Alistair is not at all like he was—he has grown up a great deal, and that is both good and bad. Good for the country, but I miss my friend. He has buried much of what he once was, although not all, thankfully. As for Thomas—Warden Amell ... he was shy. Quiet. Thoughtful. The very opposite of what I was then. Perhaps that's why I was drawn to him; I had not intended to fall in love with him, and it took me a long time to be certain that he returned my feelings, but eventually ..."

Antonia waited while Leliana communed with her past, a smile passing over her face.

"It was glorious, at times, and very hard at others, and that is what I wanted to talk to you about. You see, those of us who live in these times must be prepared for the end to come quickly, and without the chance to say good-bye. Thomas and I never knew if we would be alive at the end of the day. Which added much to the intensity of our feelings, but had us constantly on edge, as well. He was not a quarreler, but we certainly had our spats." She looked at Antonia directly. "Cullen has a great deal of control, but also more of a temper, and you are not without your own stubbornness. I imagine the tension will lead to some disagreements between the two of you. And the constant danger will be a strain—greater, perhaps, because you face the brunt of it, and he has already lost you once."

"In Haven."

"Yes. He blamed himself that you were left behind while the rest of us escaped."

"I know." Antonia looked at her spymaster questioningly. "Do you regret it, what happened between you and Warden Amell?"

"No. Never," Leliana said immediately. "I love Thomas; and he loves me."

"'Loves'?" Antonia echoed. "I thought no one knew where he was."

"The Chantry doesn't know where he is. The Seekers were looking for him in order to convince him to become the head of the Inquisition, but—he had no interest. I respected that, and I would not have seen him forced into a role he did not want. And that is, of course, the other danger. You want to think that when it's all over there is a happy ending, a lifetime together, but so often the work goes on, and sometimes it continues to take precedence over what the heart wants." She looked at Antonia with sad eyes. "Sometimes it is not a fairy tale."

Antonia met the look squarely. "I'm not looking for a fairy tale. I wasn't even looking for—what I found, but now that I have it—"

"I know, and I am pleased for both of you. Truly. After everything that has happened, I still believe in love, and I always will. But I also want for you—particularly you—to walk into this with your eyes open. Cullen has seen too much not to guard his heart, at least a little, to prepare himself for things to go badly, but— As you say, you are inexperienced. You do not know what you may be called upon to do, or what you may have to sacrifice."

"Do any of us?"

"No, I suppose not."

"Like you, I would rather take love when it comes than push it away now in case I have to give it up later. Tomorrow can take care of itself; the tasks of the day are enough. More than enough, many days." Antonia smiled.

"An excellent point." Leliana got to her feet, reaching down a hand to help Antonia up. "I am glad we had this chat, my dear. I always thought you had a good head on your shoulders, and I am proud to have you as our Inquisitor."

"Thank you." Impulsively, Antonia leaned forward and hugged the other woman. "For everything."