The Edge of Reality

Chapter 9: Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

After the holidays and near the freeze, Des moved in with someone a few years older than us named Mara. She had a lot of worldly experiences and was usually with a man named Dwyer when she spent time with us. I snuck out a couple nights a week to spend time with them, never gaining the same experience twice. During the coldest of nights, we often spent the night in one of their houses or apartments- but during the snowiest of nights we often explored outside. I enjoyed the Freeze more than any other season, despite the harsh weather. Something about the silence that engulfed the land with the fall of snow was reverent. At this point, I wasn't as much of a believer as I once was, but there was something holy about these nights that made me feel like I was doing the right thing- that I belonged exactly where I was with my friends and my partner. Each night I spent with them, I became more and more resolute in my decision. There was no way I could keep up this charade forever, but I was really worried about leaving my guardians and Astrio. I didn't know how any of them would react, but I knew that I would be in danger. One night at Camm's house, I expressed my concerns to Des and Lela and they looked at each other nervously.

"They're going to hunt you down if you don't stop them," Lela started, almost trailing off. "You know that."

"I don't know how to stop that from happening," I said.

"I think... I think that the only way to stop that is going to be to... put them to sleep..." Lela was looking away now.

"Kill them?" I almost laughed. "That's ridiculous. I'm not going to kill anyone."

"They've lived a long time," Des said quietly. "And they're holding you back. They're hurting you, even. And they're going to hurt Astrio too if they haven't already. You can take him with you, but you have to get rid of them."

"People die all the time," Lela interjected. "It's part of the world here- part of the circle. Life and death. Two more people will appear in their place and have the chance to live and explore just like all of us. It's not a bad thing for life to end for just reasons."

I didn't say anything, but I knew they were right. It didn't feel right, but the awful part is that I didn't feel bad about the thought of killing them. They had refused to accept me for who I was and what I wanted to do with my life, and while I wasn't jumping with joy I also didn't think I'd regret it. My stomach only twisted at the thought of doing it, at how much it would hurt them and how hard it would be to motivate myself to go over the edge.

"Okay," I said. "I'll do it. After a while."

"Tesha, you've waited for so long already," Eloy had entered the room. "I know it's hard, but they're also tearing you apart." This was true. Every day I spent around them, pretending to agree with their every word and put up with the humiliation they put me through by belittling me, got harder. I felt as though I might burst. I wouldn't tell anyone this, but I actually wanted to literally burst. It would be so easy to just end my life and get away from their prison- I would even give life to a new soul. But I knew it would affect too many people that cared about me- and I also wanted to live to see better times, so I never seriously considered it. But I was getting closer every day. The sun was starting to rise outside the window, illuminating the buds on the trees. It was Spring now, it had been a long time since I first decided I needed to leave. Usually at this time, Lela would be rushing to drive me home before everyone else was up, but we didn't today. We all knew this had to be the day.

I stood up and walked into Camm's bedroom, where he and Mareo were playing some video game. Without speaking, he put down the controller and enveloped me as I sat down, more on him than by him. Camm slunk out and we sat there for a long time wordlessly as the sun slowly rose and lit up the room, first blue with the dawn and then orange as the first rays reached us. When the birds began chirping, one of the first mornings they had since Spring begun, Camm came back into the room.

"It's time," he said. We stood up, and I went with Mareo and Des only, Des driving Lela's car with me and Mareo in the backseat. I gripped his hand so tightly that my knuckles turned white on the way over. He took my other hand and placed a small hunting knife in it, slowly wrapping my fingers around the handle. For the first time, we pulled up directly in front of the house, and I took a deep breath before getting out of the car.

"Wait," Des said. "Do you want us to come with you?"

"She need to do this alone," Mareo said. I would have been tempted to say yes to her offer- at this point their strength was the only thing keeping my legs from turning to jelly. But I knew he was right. I didn't want anyone to think I was being puppeted. Monohan and Agni puppeted me- my friends were the only people in my life who wanted me to be my own person, besides maybe Astrio. Even then he was a puppet too, he just didn't seem to mind as much. I had to get him out, I had to make him understand. I unlocked the front door and there was no turning back at this point. Agni came storming into the entry hall.

"WHERE have you BEEN?" She screamed. "You snuck OUT? After all we've done for you!" I was terrified and tempted to either run back out the door or dissolve into a pile of putty around her feet. But I knew I couldn't.

"Agni, we need to talk."

"Talk? Tesha there is no more talking, this is inexcusable. Frankly, I don't really care your reason- I'm sure you were out with those wretched kids, doing who knows what." Monohan walked into the room, fire in his eyes but his voice as steady as it always was.

"You may not work any longer. You will remain at home with us at all tim-"

"This is why I have to go," I started harshly. "You refuse to listen to me or respect me as an individual!" I didn't wait for them to respond as I drove the blade into my mother's side. Her eyes mirrored mine as they widened and filled with tears.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered.

Monohan made a noise only comparable to a roar and lunged to knock the knife out of my hand, but I moved too quickly. In my abrupt motions, I slashed his throat more violently than I had intended to, and he fell to his knees. I backed away from them in horror, dropping the knife; I couldn't believe what I had done. They started losing their color, replaced by a hazy grey. Astrio ran into the room, hearing the commotion, and screamed.

"Don't come in here!" I yelled, pointing for him to go back into the other room. "Oh god, oh god, I didn't want you to see this!"

"You were planning to take this precious soul from us," Agni hissed, writhing on the ground. "Well you're not going to!" She grabbed swung her arm and hit Astrio's knees, toppling him over on top of her. She grabbed the knife and held it to his throat.

"No!" I screamed, leaping towards them. His eyes were as wide as they were the first Summer day I found him, and his pale skin was translucent as she made a thin, red trail across his neck. Monohan and Agni were already disintegrating as I pulled Astrio into my arms, tears splashing against his wound.

"Astrio, no," I muttered. I didn't know what to do. My words were catching in my throat with the sobs. "I never mea- I never meant for this to happen. I love you so much, please don't go."

"Tesha... why?" He looked up at me with empty eyes. The greyish pigment he took on scared me.

"I was going to take you away with me... we were going to go live in a mansion together..." I was pleading now. "Please don't go... you mean more to me than anyone in the world... You were going to be so much more..."

There was no emotion in his blue eyes, once so bright, as he spoke one last time. "I don't love you anymore."

And then he was gone and I was left clinging to the ashes of my failure. The house was as silent as midnight, but the sun would never rise on it again.