The Edge of Reality

Chapter 28: The Girl in Black

As Spring started melting into Summer, more things began to change and the monotony I had been relishing broke up. People, places and events had been conjoining into one continuous cycle I called my life, so much so that not much stood out and my memories became internalized. Maybe it was the drugs, but I had trouble pulling out specific moments out of the sea of chaos- I usually only remembered the big picture without any of the details. Thus, it was a challenge to change the tracks of my mind when my own reality began to alter. At the Hideout, one of my coworkers had quit and they had trained a new girl in their place. Her name was Audra, and the permanent redness of her eyes stood out against her short dark hair. I wasn't very social during this time, beyond casual conversations, but she hit it off with me from her first day.

"You're a stoner, aren't you?" she asked one night after the crowd dwindled down, leaning on the table I was cleaning. I was so used to hiding my drug habits that I looked up at her with wide eyes for a second, as though exposed, before laughing.

"I guess you could say that," my voice alive with laughter.

"Do you want to smoke after work or something?" she asked casually.

"Sure..." I said slowly, thinking. I could take a break from volunteering tonight, I did every other night anyway. "I don't have anything with me right now, though."

"Oh it's okay, I do," she said, waving her hand. "We can match another time." I texted one of my friends who I knew would be at the food bank tonight, and walked out to Audra's small red car after our shift ended. I hadn't smoked with anyone in a really long time- Naham did on occasion, but was usually too busy. It was ridiculous that I was a little bit nervous, because that's the opposite of the approach to weed, but overall I was just happy to have a smoking buddy. She had a simple pipe the size of my hand, and a pill bottle full of pre-ground dank so we'd breathed in a couple bowls before long. Her personality didn't change at all through the haze, and it was clear she was a seasoned stoner.

"How much do you smoke?" I asked her jokingly.

"So much," she giggled. "You do a lot too, I can tell."

"Just a few times a week," I replied. "Nothing crazy."

"Want to go get food?" she asked. "Just drive thru, I don't want to go in anywhere."

"Sounds good," I said as she turned on the car and pulled her seatbelt across. "Pack up for me?"

I put everything back into her bag and sprayed a little perfume while she cracked the windows open, surely doing very little to hide the smell. I discreetly popped a couple pills, as my left arm was starting to ache. I didn't think she noticed, but she brought it up later after we had parked again to eat the greasy fast food.

"Why are you on painkillers?" she asked bluntly. I stared at her harshly for a moment, wishing she wouldn't have asked. It wasn't that I didn't want her to know, I just didn't want to explain. She spoke up again. "Oh, am I wrong? Sorry, it just looks like you're in pain sometimes when you're working and I thought..."

"No, yeah you're right," I replied, snapping out of it. "I just have some wounds from a while back that aren't healing well. Need something to keep the edge off."

"Ah," she nodded her head, not probing any further. "I totally understand, I'm on a shit ton of meds myself. Fucked up my knee and back a few years ago."

"I guess you never came BACK from that," I joked. She was so lighthearted about it, it didn't feel uncomfortable, and we both laughed as we finished eating.

"So do you live far from The Hideout?" she asked, trying to pick conversation back up.

"Uh, depends," I replied hesitantly. "I don't really live in one place, I move around a lot."

"Are you couchsurfing or something?" she seemed genuinely surprised.

"You could call it that," I replied, trying to sound casual.

"You're so composed, you seem like you have it altogether," she marvelled. "That's really impressive."

"I guess so," I shrugged her off, wishing we could move past it.

"Hey, do you want to come stay with me?" she asked. "Just for a while. I don't have an extra room or anything, but I have another mattress..."

"Really?" she was the first person to offer me a semi-stable home since Valtura. "I would actually really appreciate that."

"Yeah!" she exclaimed. "Where's your stuff? We can go tonight."

"Just drop me off at my car," I said. All of my things were stored at the food bank, so I would have to go over there first before they closed. She dropped me off and gave me her address, and I took off on the same road I travelled every night. Eitan was just locking up when I arrived, other volunteers greeting me as they left.

"Hey, can I get my bags from inside real quick?" I asked him, walking up to the door. He turned the key the other way and let me inside.

"Sure, where were you tonight?" he asked.

"I found a place to live for a while," I said, grinning at him. His face fell just enough to notice, but remained composed.

"You did? Where?" he asked.

"With my new coworker, she's really chill!" I exclaimed, excitement still filling my voice. I took my bags from behind the front desk and walked out with him.

"Are you still going to volunteer here?" he asked, sounding slightly disappointed.

"Well, yeah," I said. "Maybe a little less often, but I really enjoy doing this- especially with all of you guys."

"That's good," he said. "Because I don't think I will be for much longer."

"What?" I stopped walking and turned to look at him. "You're leaving?"

"In a way," he said, looking at a point in the distance. "It's my time."

"It's your time?" I repeated, not wanting him to mean what he clearly did. "You can't go though, there's still so much to do."

"It's okay Tesha," he was eerily still as he smiled at me, looking straight into my eyes but seeing something far past me. "It's people like you that will carry the legacy on as long as this place- this city- exists."

I wanted to argue, but I could see that it was too late. I stepped forward and embraced him, knowing I'd never find a hug as comforting as his. When I opened my eyes, he was gone, leaving only ashes floating through the air. I didn't push thoughts of him out of my mind. I thought about him all night. On the drive to Audra's house, as she showed me around the luxurious living space, as I put sheets on the mattress on her floor, as we watched movies together late into the night. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I was stronger now- I didn't need anyone but myself. I was strong enough to mourn him in my own mind- I didn't have to push the thoughts away to avoid falling apart. He was gone, and that was okay.