notes to you

12 // could you tell me?

I don't know.

How many times have you told yourself, 'I don't know'? Because it seems to happen with me a lot. I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't know what I'm going to do today, I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, I don't know what I'm going to do in six months.

I dont know why I'm writing this. Perhaps it's because there's too many things going on in my mind which I need to get out without which I'll lose my sanity. What does that feel like, losing your sanity? What does insane truly mean? How do you not fall over when you're on the edge of the cliff when the sea looks so enthralling, when it beckons you, telling you to be a part of itself and there's maniacal laughter behind you, making it very tempting to move slightly and fall and forget it all.

Is this what insanity feels like? One thought leading to another, destructing your mind with bombs of negativity? Why is it that I can see the stars and the planets and not marvel being a part of something so vast and so beautiful and they only seem to remind of my scattered heart? How is something so heartbreakingly ravishing that you feel bits and parts of yourself in the bright and dark particles which never seem to complete you? This heartbreak that I feel leaves a gut wrenching pain that manages to render me lonely and writhing.

I don't know why I'm writing this. A part of me feels compelled to, because without an outlet my thoughts will crowd my mind and definitely push me over the edge. I wonder how that feels. The sea looks threatening and welcoming at the same time. I have never heard my heart beat so loud, not when I won my first gold medal, not even when I told my crush of four years that I like him. The waves crashing at the rocks, turning into white foam from a dirty green reminds me what peace was. I feel like arms are stretched out for me, waiting for me to give in and finally let my mind become serene. If it looks so calming, what is it that I hold on to? Why is there a tingle at the back of my neck which makes me feel afraid to jump? Why am I scared? Why don't I let myself succumb into this calmness which is welcoming me with a pleasant cold?

Truth is, I don't know.

-s