| Masked feelings |

10 b. Past

"I haven't changed Swayam."

Sharon mumbled to his shoulder, taking out her all bottled up emotions in the form of tears. It was not even easy to act normal for Sharon when she found out Shivam's feelings and when he confessed she freaked out. It would be an understatement to say, she was scared, too scared to even speak a word. She had been given all rights to take the right decision and she knew what was right and wrong but she wanted a certainty on something, but her life had planned something else.

She knew her decision to agree on marrying Shivam was wrong, but she was clueless to what Swayam feels to choose him; she was clueless to Swayam's feelings. At that time, she missed him, she wished to have him near her but he was not there to support her, he was not there to tell her that he loves her.

Someone once said, when a person's heart beats for you, just dance in that music until it ends, for Sharon the music was in her head for years and she kept dancing on his heartbeats but unfortunately, he did not continue. He lost his heart somewhere in the woods, unable to find again he lost the music of his dance, he lost the music of her heartbeats. He pushed it away, and she kept dancing on his, unknown to that, he had stopped a long time ago.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Sharon stood up from his lap; she sprinted away as if he burned her. He frowned at her sudden change of behavior. When her eyes flickered to his, she could clearly see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes, but she ignored it for the time being.

They both loved the feeling of being in each other's embrace; it was their comfort zone but it was not a safe and certain place. Their relationship, whatever it may be, is so fragile; with a snap of a finger, everything will crumble down.

"This is so wrong." Sharon broke the stare and spoke her heart when she came back from her dream world. Whatever she was doing with swayam was wrong.

He mimicked her actions and stood up when he noticed how serious she looked. All tears had gone, her face had taken over a strange emotion, and he was clueless to what happened suddenly.

"What is wrong Sharon?"

"This, this is so wrong." she pointed her finger at her first and then towards him. She meant whatever they have is wrong.

"Is it?"

"Why are you not understanding Swayam, you are forgetting that I am your..."

"Sister in law..." He completed for her dryly, and she flinched at his tone of choice, "...and not only did me who forgot that Sharon but, you also" he rolled his eyes at her before walking towards where she stood. "And that's not my concern that you are his fiance, anymore." He raised his arms to stroke her cheeks, but she pulled away before he could touch her. She was tired of this whole matter.

"It was your concern and what changed now? Remember, you pushed me away because of this." Sharon shouted at him ignoring what he said.

"No, I didn't push you away because of Shivam's feelings;" he replied softly. "I pushed you away because of my past. I never wanted you to be a part of this shit life of mine, my past is colorless Sharon, it's so scary...you are still unknown to many things. The things you know are a few and those you don't know are huge." He sighed deeply and took her hands in his.

"What is it that you are hiding from me?" once again she pulled away, she made space between them.

"Sharon, I didn't push you away because of Shivam. Of course, there was a small part of me, who does not want to hurt his brother. You always had asked me that, why I did not try to win over you...right?" He asked her nervously, and then she slightly nodded her head encouraging him to continue.

"It may sound bullshit to you but it is my feelings, I never wanted you in my life like that, but I wished to have you in my life. It would be a lie if I say I never dreamt of having you beside me, I did...but like there was a small part, which stopped me from hurting Shivam, there was another part, which never wanted to leave you."

"I am not understanding you," Sharon stated meekly, he was confusing her. All she wants to know now is what she should do.

"See, when I went away in that tiny age, I knew I have to come back and take you with me, I knew I have to make you mine, and I expected that you would wait for me. In the years I spent there, my life started to change. As I grow up, my shy nature, my insecurities all those went away and I did many things that I am ashamed to even share with you." Swayam stopped himself and took a look at Sharon, she was calmly hearing him with an emotionless faade, he then continued.

"I didn't take that life my own, but some incidents compelled me to do so. I changed to a new person, who had anger issues, who used girls like tissue paper, I used them to keep me sane, I used drugs, and I got involved in crimes. The Swayam I knew changed to a person totally unknown to me. I gradually forgot you or I pretended to do so." Once again, he looked at her when he said that he forgot her, he expected a reaction from her, but she did not.

"I forced myself to forget you when Shivam informed me about his plans to propose you. That was when for the first time, I compared myself with him and then I realized, how low my life was, how much I destroyed myself...then there Smriti came to the picture, that was a final blow...that shook me completely. When I realized, everything I did was wrong the time had gone beyond reachable, I could not go back and make it all right...then I decided to come back, Sneha pushed me to come back. I promise I came back to make you mine, I came back for you Sharon, but there also fate played cruelly with me...before I arrived you had already agreed to marry him. You chose him over me."

When he finished speaking his mind both of them didn't utter a single word. After some time, settling on the couch again Sharon spoke.

"I didn't choose him over you Swayam, I was helpless. I did not know whether I should wait for you or not."

"And I expected you to wait for me."

"How would I wait for you when you never gave me a sign? You never told me about what you feel for me. You did not even when I asked you before my engagement, how many times I begged you Swayam and all those times you turned me down. You rejected me. And you know I would have waited if you had given me a sign, that you love me." She wiped a tear that fell down on her cheeks, and sit up straight to take whole-heartily, what he has to say. "And you confessed on that day when I decided to plan my fate, moreover you told me to never back down."

"I know! I was at fault."

"I am not blaming you, I understand." Sharon stood up to walk away but before giving him a hug. She did not forget to remind him something. "I am done with trying, if you want me back then, you have to work on it, including you have to tell Shivam." She mumbled that to his ear, making sure, he heard her clearly and then without turning back she walked away.

***