Fix You

Chapter Five (Darcy's Past)

FIVE (Darcy's Past)

SIX WEEKS EARLIER...

   Darcy splashed two handfuls of ice cold tap water onto her face and watched closely in the bathroom mirror as the droplets of water slid down the apples of her cheeks, as if they were little children sliding gleefully down a water slide. Except now, they're taking a deep plunge into the bathroom sink, not the expanse of a swimming pool, nor the blue ocean.

   Though her eyes were reminiscent of the bluest ocean one could longingly gaze into for the longest of seconds, and yet right now all that was displayed in the pair of them was an eery empty silence that went on and on.

   So much so that Darcy had to resort to closing her eyes shut so she didn't have to stare into the vast emptiness of it. But even with her eyes squeezed ever so tightly, that little streams of light had to force their way through the crevices they could find along the way, the emptiness of her eyes did not, could not make a run for it.

   For they flowed within her bloodstream, making her a cold, shallow vessel of the Darcy that she once was and used to be. It wasn't all bad though, she tried repeating to herself over and over again. At least in her moment of being completely void of emotions, she felt an overwhelming silence overtake her, all of her. And that was all she needed, then.

   "And guess what, Darce! He wants to get back together with me. After all that he did, that jerk!" Emma shrieked painfully. Well, it was painful enough for Darcy's ears, sending her to turn the volume knob higher than it was before.

   Boyce Avenue played in the background, to Darcy's heartbeat as she paced the bathroom floor, counting out her steps as she did. She had turned up the volume of the music to drown out the sounds of her throwing up on her dinner, but now it served to drown out the incessant low buzzing sound that came from Emma complaining about her ex-boyfriend, Matt.

   After pacing back and forth for a good bit, Darcy finally decided to sit down on the cold bathroom floor tiles, just to gather the mess of her tangled up thoughts, now in knots that they were almost impossible to unravel.

   And so she decided to keep them that way - messed up and untouched. Darcy had lied to Emma that she was about to indulge in a long bubble bath before going out with Jack that night. She found it a good enough excuse to be in the bathroom for a pretty decent amount of time without giving off that she'd been puking her dinner, all along.

   Darcy hated going on like this behind Emma's back. Emma was the sister she never had, the bestie she knew she didn't deserve. Prior to throwing up her food secretly behind everyone's back, Darcy had never kept a secret from Emma.

   She wished she could share with Emma about her body image struggles but then she figured Emma would never fully understand her insecurities. Emma had been a size zero all her life, whereas Darcy had to live with what she perceived as big.

   After engaging in countless episodes of throwing up her food discreetly, having already devoured them; Darcy had started feeling a lot better about her body. Watching her dress size dwindle down and the interest guys took towards her: skyrocket upwards, Darcy began convincing herself that it was in fact the right thing to do, despite the constant niggling at the back of her head telling her how terribly wrong it was.

   When Emma questioned Darcy on her astounding weight loss, she simply credited healthy eating and exercise. It was far too easy to lie. To Emma, to her family, to those kids who went to her school. In fact, the only person who knew the truth, was Jack. And he was cool with it.

   Every single moment Darcy was awake, and occasionally even when she sleeps and the nightmares haunt her, taunt her; she loathed herself for what she had done. It was one of those unorthodox weight loss methods Darcy had never dreamt of ever partaking in, and yet here she was.