My Life Before I Died

Journal Entry 25

    Ben Note: There will be more triggering stuff. If don't like, do not read.

      It's been 6 days since, that day happened. It's been really quiet over at Shinto's house. You don't hear music play anymore, and no one comes out side when it got warm out. Mr. Vincent doesn't speak to my mother that often anymore either. The only time you see Mr. Jason come out is when he goes to work. Kenta finally came back home. He just came back yesterday. He's been staying at his friends house for the past 7 days. I seen him a couple of time after school. When school ends he stands outside and wait for Shinto to come out. He hugs her and gives her small treats, but then leave to his friends house. His friends parents don't mind him staying. They invites him to stay longer but he told them he needed to be there for Shinto. Shinto...
      Shinto, became more distance as the days goes by. Mr. Doll Maker has been taking care of her. He would drop her off at school and pick her up after. Mr. Jason and Mr. Vincent thought it was a great idea for her to stay with him for a few days. They thought she need a breather from them and the house. Shinto is not herself anymore. She doesn't talk to anyone, and she doesn't smile anymore. She keeps her distance from everyone. At gym, she doesn't play with us. She sits my the door with my face in her knees. Coach is really worried about her cause of this. He never seen Shinto so depressed. He doesn't know what happened, that's why.
      Shinto, also comes to school everyday with a new bandage on her body. On her face she now has 2 on her cheeks and one on her forehead. She had some on her legs and arms. She tries to his them by wearing sweaters and pants, and by covering up her face with her hair. But nothing can hide them all the way. The teachers noticed them and started questioning her dad and uncle. I think they told them what happened so now they try their best to help Shinto. She goes to the counselor everyday so she can get the help she needs. But still everyday, new bandages.
     Shinto is self-harming herself. I ease dropped on a conversation my mom and Mr. Vincent was having. He was explaining how Shinto would punch at walls until her her hand got scars and started to bleed. She would pinch herself until her bleed. A couple of times she would punch herself in the face. Mr. Doll Maker would stop her before she went to far with it, but it will start back up the next day. She even stabbed herself with some of Mr. Doll Makers sewing needles. He had to his anything sharp away from her. My mom took her to the doctor. They put Shinto on some medicine. It kinda stopped Shinto from hurting herself, but now she doesn't get sleep. She would come to school with heavy bags under her eyes and every time she stood up, it looked like she was going to pass out right then and there. Mr. Jason is trying to get Shinto off the medicine and get her something different.
       I'm really worried about her. Kyle, Myuesaki, Zion, William, Nelson are too. Even Van is worried about her. Ever since he saw Shinto act the way she does, he's been less active. He stopped messing with me, and tries his best to help me and the others get Shinto back together. Shinto doesn't see that people at school do care about her. And I understand why she don't. I clouded her mind. Me saying no one liked her, and she was just a spoiled brat, clouded get mind, and now that's all she thinks about.
       I made Shinto this way. It's all my fault that Shinto is hurting herself. It's my fault she's on some weird medicine. I can't stand to look at Shinto this way. I just can't. I miss the old Shinto. I miss the Shinto that would tell death jokes. I miss the Shinto that curated over My Chemical Romance. I missed the Shinto that draw weird creepy stuff. I want to the Shinto that beats every boy a dodge ball, not the Shinto that lays on her side and cry like a baby. I want the Shinto that laughs and hangs out with her friends, not the one that pretends there's a brick wall between them. I miss Shinto, and I know everyone else does. Can I even call her Shinto now?
     Lately, I been feeling really depressed myself. Seeing my best friend slowly die, hurts me a lot and I can't bare to look at her. I would come home crying cause of what I am seeing on a daily. Time to time, I would stare at my tub full of water. I want to stick my head in it and take in all the water, but then I don't. Shinto would be even more upset. Her soul think it's her fault I drowned. I don't want get to think that. Killing myself will hurt to many people and I don't want that. And I think Shinto knows that too.
        My mom found out about me trying to drown myself. She turned to Mr. Jason and Mr. Vincent for help. They told her to keep a close eye out for me. Shinto found out as well. She told her dad to let her that the medicine again. The one that stops her from sleeping. She said if her sleep habit change to help me, she'll do it. I was touched when my mom told me this. I so touched that Shinto risked her health to save me. I couldn't let her do that, but there was nothing for me to do. Her dad let go back to the medicine. The scars on Shinto died down again bit she looms like she could fall over and die any minute. Today, I and Kyle had to help her to each class cause she fell over twice. Her dad is trying his best to convince her to stop taking it but she refuses. She will stop when she hears that I've stop trying to drown.
     I did soon stop and Shinto stop taking the medicine. But she went right back to having scars. Her mind is still clouded over her thinking no one likes her. I wish I could take back what I said. If I didn't even say anything about her mom, we wouldn't be in this mess. I come crying still but stopped trying to drown cause I knew Shinto would want to go back to the medicine. My mom would ask me if I was OK and I would say no and go to my room. But yesterday, I was done with lying.

"Ben, are you OK?" my mom asked.

"No, I'm not OK. My friend is slowly dying everyday cause she is either hurting herself, or messing up her health. No I not OK! My beat and first ever friend I had is slowly dying cause of me!" I cried.

"Ben?" my mom said.

"Do you know what she did today? At the end of the day, I went to go talk to her. I called out to her as she was walking to Mr. Doll Maker. She turned around to look at me and smiled with tears coming out her eyes. She made a gun with her fingers and put it up to her head and went mouthed "boom". She turned back around and started walking again! Mommy, I scared Shinto's going to kill herself!" I cried.

        I quickly ran into her arms and cried into her chest.

"I don't want Shinto to die! Mommy, I don't want her to die!" I cried.

        She hugged me tight.

"I don't want her to die mommy. I don't want her to die." I cried.
 
        My mom had no words to say cause she was to busy crying herself. After sitting there crying my mom made me a bowl of ice cream. She told me that Shinto had loving parents that will take care of Shinto. She said Shinto will be fine. She said I was going to see her tomorrow at school. She promised me.
     I went to bed after I ate my ice cream. I couldn't sleep but I just laid there. All I could think about was Shinto. I was waiting to get a gun shot, or a cry from help. But I had to pray that I wasn't going to get these things. Kyle, Myuesaki, Zion, William, and Nelson kept me company all night. He heard about what happened with Shinto today and couldn't sleep. We just kept each other up on the phones all night. All we had to do was prayer Shinto was going to walk into the door of school. During the night, we all heard a loud "boom". It scared us. We didn't dare to move from our beds.
      Today I went to school. I walked with Kyle, Myuesaki, Zion, William, and Nelson. We stared at Shinto's home, waiting to see if anyone would come out, but no one did. We walked to school hand and hand. We got there, sat and waited for Shinto. Class started and no Shinto. I got scared. Time past and still no Shinto. Class was almost over and I was already crying. So we're the others. My teacher asked us why but he remembered it was about Shinto. He noticed she wasn't here and got nervous. I looked down at my desk.

"I'm sorry, I'm late."

       I quickly looked from my desk and saw Shinto standing at the door. She was alive! I quickly got out my seat, ran and hugged her tight. She was mumbling Ow. I didn't care. I was so glad she wasn't dead. Myuesaki, Zion, William, Nelson, and Kyle got up and hugged her too. We were go happy to see her all in one piece. The "boom" sound we heard came from down the street from us. Some popped a firecracker at someone pipes. After everyone let go if Shinto. I hugged her one last time.

"I missed you." I said.

        I let go and cupped her bandaged cheeks. I smiled kissed her. Yes, in front of the whole class. Like I gave a crap. The whole class awed. I pulled away. Shinto gave me a weak smile. She looked like she was in pain as she smiled.

"I missed you too Ben." she said and hugged me.

         I am so happy Shinto is OK. Mr. Doll Maker say what Shinto did and quickly took her to the doctors. They talked to Shinto and are now going to help her through her depression. We are helping her too. She helped me and now it was time for me to help her. I saw what depression could do to a person. And it's not pretty. I'm glad Shinto has gotten help. All she needed was a person to talk to.