Holding Everything

Chapter 21: Feel You. Take You.

Lillya takes my hand and sits on the ground, pulling me down along with her so we're sitting across from each other. A single tear fell from her eyes upon telling me her answer, "once again proving that me pestering her with questions only brings pain and sadness to her," I think to myself when remembering how she snapped when I tried asking her about her father and everything. I decide to listen carefully and for once let her get her feelings out at her own pace. She inhales deep and wipes the tear, not making further eye contact.

"I don't know how to explain it, but I know what my duty is now, but I refuse to just sit by and take orders like my 'duty' commands," she sees my confusion and continues, "my duty as your Given Handler, is to protect you while we locate and save our targets, doing so will eliminate the Black Path within the target. The Runners duty is to kill the target when you, as the Natural Handler, are almost out of time. The mission is to always stop the Black Path, at any and all costs, be it by life or death. Mo proved that the target cannot be killed unless both the Runner and Natural Handler are present upon their 'judgment', by killing me twice, well technically I was killed three times, but I was reborn into my Handler duties so Gloria said they wouldn't consider that a third death, I don't understand the old woman; but," She hesitates before continuing, as if trying to make sense of what she's trying to really say, as an attempt to comfort her, I place my hand gently on top of hers.

She gasps slightly and jolts from me interrupting her train of thought; I smile softly while looking her in her eyes trying to show reassurance.

"It's okay, you can depend on us, Eren said he accepted right away, he won't tell me why but I remember how cool he looked when he was comforting you last time, and honestly his words even made me believe the four of us could really be there for one another. I'm sure if we help Rika she will join us, and when that happens I think there will be a lot of questions answered, I'm sure there is more to what you wanna say but, you don't have to continue if you don't want to."

"The most I want to get out is," she sighs alittle, "something isn't right, and I think Gloria is involved with whatever it is, and I feel like because of how everything is, I feel like we're the only team capable of setting things right."

"What do you mean were the only team?"

"Well, normally there is only one Natural and one Given Handler, right?" I nod, "well there are three Given Handler's supporting one Natural, I feel like we'll be capable of a lot more than any of the Handler's in the past, giving us a huge advantage. I think that's why," trailing off, she sticks her finger in her mouth and nibbles her nail alittle, concentrating immensely on the statement she didn't complete; I wait with anticipation, hoping she will finish. She sighs and says, "Well anyways, what matters most right now is getting Rika, whether she decides to join or not doesn't matter really, right now we just have to protect her."

"We have no idea where they are though; we don't even know where they live." I say shrugging my shoulders, "well I do, but I don't know its location." I think to myself as we head out of her room to leave. As we pass another room right before leaving I see her mother still lying there.

"Don't worry, she will wake up soon, and all her memories and such of my father will vanish, it'll be as if I never had a father." I nod and we head out, not yet decided on where to look first.

After wandering around for a while searching anywhere we could think of I decide to try calling a few times thinking I could get Eren to understand my worries and need to check on them, but I get nothing but direct voicemails each time, when I finally give up I notice Lillya going toward a bench at a nearby park we walk by, I follow her to the seat and we both plop down and sigh heavily.

"I didn't think it would be so hard to get them to open up to us." She says with a little hint of disappointment in her tone as she tilts her head back and lets the breeze flow through her long hair, swishing it back and forth.

"And you don't think you can try that nifty mind trick you do?"

She laugh and lifts her head, making her hair fall forward past her eyes a little, she brushes it back and tucks it behind her ear before shaking her head jokingly, "okay for one, 'nifty'?" Her eyebrows rise and she laughs harder, I feel my cheeks grow warm as I blush in embarrassment.

"Okay, okay jeez, ya' know what I meant, so can you do it?" I say hurriedly, trying to get her to stop the teasing.

She sighs and calms down before shaking her again once again, "I'm sorry I can't, I don't know how it was happening before, it just sort of," she wiggles and contorts her face in an odd scrunched expression, "happened all on its own ya' know." Trying to ignore the weird face she made I nod.

"I see, so you can't just control it at will then?"

"I guess not, maybe I can and just need to learn, or maybe it'll be completely out of my control for as long as I live. I mean I don't think we have like superpowers or anything, it's like, a strong connection we have now that we're both your Handlers. It's not that I can read his mind, but I think I can feel the same things as him, and with what happened to Rika, his stress levels spiked so suddenly that I think that's why I was able to actually see what he saw for a split second. But this is all just a best guess." She shrugs and watches a tiny ant mound of ants filing in and out of the tiny hill, the ants going in carrying small crumbs and the ants going out with empty and prepared backs, "I wonder if we'll be as strong and united as ants?"

I sit in silence trying to understand what she's saying, when I don't get it and look at her she continues.

"They work in unison, knowing that together they can move mountains, tiny mountains, but still mountains; and all alone its dangerous and nearly impossible. So they work hard together to feed the queen and one another, to provide shelter for the queen and their brethren, and the only goal is to survive, multiply, and keep the queen alive. So it makes me wonder if our little group can be as united and strong as these regular ants, and protect our...queen." She nudges me and laughs.

"Oh so I'm a queen now?" I say sarcastically, making her laugh.

"Well technically you are the boss-man in all this." She says with a raise of her eyebrows and a shrug of her shoulders.

"Why is that? Just because I'm the 'Natural' and you three are the 'Given'?"

"Basically, yeah; without you there isn't much use for us, and without us, you're still alive but not for long possibly."

We sit in silence for a while, watching the occasional dog walker or parent and child walk by the park, waiting for one of us to form a plan or idea. I sit forward, letting my head hang and the breeze rustle my hair just a little with my eyes closed.

"Ko-!!" I hear my name being shrieked, but the moment I open my eyes my head is being pulled back by the hair, and something is pressed against my face over my mouth and nose, just as I'm losing consciousness I am able to see the familiar face of my first Handler between us as he presses 2 cloths of chloroform to our faces; his eyes show emptiness, like his mind is not really there and his body is just moving. Seconds before I black out, I hear a faint sigh and I see him closing his eyes as if he's satisfied with himself.