Butterfly • Book 1/3

12

Journal Entry- Lana

June 30th, 2017
I lashed out at Ben today. I didn't mean to lash out. Today's the 2 year anniversary of my grandmum's death, and I'm not the most pleasant person on this day. I'm grieving. He didn't know. He kept asking if I wanted to go hang out with Danny, and I told him to go by himself. He kept persisting that I go, and I just snapped. He looked like a sad puppy... I didn't mean to, I truly didn't.

(We're gonna go ahead and switch to first person, where Lana lashes out at Ben.)

"Are you sure you don't want to go to Danny's with me? We were gonna write for the album, and you could give input, or hang out with Elena. I think it'd b-"
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK!" I yell. "God, I told you I don't want to fucking go! I don't want to spend time with someone I barely fucking know! Go write by yourself, you aren't a child, go by your fucking self!"
Ben's eyes widen, and then he slowly gets a look of sadness on his face. He shrinks backward away from me. "I didn't- I guess-I thought-"
I put my face in my hands and let out the loudest, grossest, ugliest sob known to man. I hear Ben's feet shuffle over towards me again, and I feel the couch dip down beside me. It's not long before he places his arm around me and rubs my shoulders.
"I'm s-so sorry. I'm sorry Ben. I didn't- I didn't mean too. I'm s-god I'm sorry. I can-can't. My grandma- I just-."
"Woah woah woah, calm down. Calm down butterfly. What about your grandmother? What's wrong, my love?"
I shake my head. "I just miss her."
"Well, we can go see her!" Ben says, excitedly. "I can go book a ticket right now!"
"Book a ticket to the graveyard." I mumble.
"What?"
I pick my head up out of my hands and turn to look at Ben, who has a puzzled look on his face. "She's dead."
He laughs. "No she's not, there's no way."
"She is, Ben. She passed two years ago today." I bite my lip to keep from crying again. "That's why I'm such a bitch today."
Ben pulls me into his lap and kisses my head once he notices I failed to hold in my tears. "Baby, don't ever be too scared or anything to tell me what's bothering you. You know damn well I won't judge you, and you know I'll help you."
"I know, I know. I just- it's hard to talk about. I miss her so much, Ben. She was my world. I tried to hard- so hard. I couldn't save her. I tried to save her."
"What do you mean, love?"
"I could've saved her. I should've saved her."

(~A/N (3/27/17): I decided to go ahead and include the next chapter in this one.)

*2 years prior*
3rd Person POV; observing Lana

⚠️️⚠️️⚠️️⚠️️ Trigger Warning ⚠️️⚠️️⚠️️⚠️️ (This entire next part is basically a trigger because it deals with death, so if you don't handle that well, you aren't missing much. I'll recap it at the beginning of the next chapter.)

Lana walks into her grandmother's small, cottage style home after a long day at the local bookstore, and throws her bag on the couch. "Grandmama? I'm home!"
Her grandmother, Estelle, didn't respond. Lana quickly kicks off her old, beat up, black vans, and quietly walks to her grandmother's room. Lana slowly turns the old doorknob, and the old wooden door creeks as she opens it. What's before her eyes is something she'd never imagined.

⚠️️⚠️️⚠️️⚠️️ Trigger Warning ⚠️️⚠️️⚠️️⚠️️
Her grandmother, laying down on her bed, gasping for her breath. "Mama!"
Lana runs over to her side, trying to somehow aid her grandmother in catching her breath.
"It-its ti-time f-f-for m-me to g-g-goo." Her grandmother chokes out. "I-I'm o-old."
"NO GRANDMAMA! YOU CAN'T GO!"
Lana reaches for the phone on her grandmama's side table, but her she slaps it out of Lana's hand. "L-leave m-mee beee."
"NO! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! I'LL HAVE NOBODY!"
"I-I-I lo-ove y-you, Lana."
Lana's grandmother took her last breath.
"WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!" Lana cries. "YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULDN'T LEAVE!"
Lana throws herself over her grandma's lifeless body, hugging her tight, her eyes crying seemingly endless tears. She picks the phone off of the bedside table, immediately dialing the emergency team. Moments later, they arrive, and they carry her grandmama's lifeless body outside in a body bag.
"We'll take her to the local morgue." One of the rescue members says. "Just call them and make funeral arrangements. Sorry for your loss."
Soon, they leave, taking Estelle's body with them, leaving Lana to her thoughts. Slowly, she trudges to her room, (Pic at the top) and flops face down on her bed. She notices a piece of lilac (her grandmama's favorite color) paper sticking out of her bedside table drawer. Lana's shaking fingers pull the piece of paper out of its place, and she sits up slowly. Her eyes scan over the paper, and she's crying again before she realizes it.

My dearest Alana,
By the time you're reading this, I'm most likely gone. When I went to my appointment the other day, I got horrible news. The cancer cells are back, and they're back with a vengeance. The doctors said I have a month, if I'm lucky. I don't want you to worry, that's why I'm not telling you to your face. I love you too much to have you worry. You need to live your life now that I'm gone. Go chase love, find someone who makes you happy. I know you'll grow up to be an amazing girl. You'll go on to do great things. Continue to get your degree, you're so close. I'm so proud of you sweet pea. I love you to the next galaxy. Don't miss me too much. I'm with your parents now. I'll be alright.
Love,
Mama Estelle❤️️

(~A/N: This chapter basically sucks because I can't write death well, I'm sorry. It's really short idk I'm sorry I promise the next one will be better.)