I Hate You, but I Love You!

Chapter 15: Trying to assemble my Thoughts

It was 5:43AM and still dark outside. I had successfully gotten 4 hours of sleep. If I went back to bed now I could add 2 more hours. I considered the thought, considered it over although I knew there was no use. There was no way I was going back to sleep.

I tangled my hair and shook the covers off myself, leaving a messy bed behind me. I walked over to my dresser and took out my running apparel. I grabbed my running shoes, tied my hair and changed clothes. I needed a way to let everything out and running usually helped with that.

As I plugged my headphones in my phone it occurred to me that it was still dark outside. I crinkled my nose at the window and walked over to my purse, in search of my pocket knife. It was better to at least be prepared, right? My fingers felt the cool metal and I slid the knife into the small pocket of my cheap thrift store yoga pants.

Strangely enough, not a lot of things that people were usually afraid of scared me. I guess it was because I lived through most of those things. The thought of violence or pain didn't even make me wince.

But then again didn't mean that I wasn't scared of things. Hell, I was just downright terrified of some. Most were fears that normal people would laugh at. And I don't mean things like spiders or heights. I mean things like losing my job or failing college. Returning home or seeing any of them. Losing control or people finding out my secrets. Those kind of terrifying things.

I stretched my arms on my way down the stairs and walked outside, regretting my decision to go jogging almost immediately. It was freezing outside.

I stood there stupidly for a moment, debating whether or not I should just go back inside.

I decided to say screw it and go running. I needed to run and I'd be damned if the stupid weather was going to stop me.

I gasped and breathless for a solid hour and a half. My face was red, my hair was crazy and I probably smelled like I woke up in a trashcan this morning. Either way I pushed myself to keep going even though my lungs were screaming in protest and I could have sworn I tasted blood in my mouth.

The sky was starting to get lighter and I figured that I ran long enough for it to be acceptable to say that I ran away from my problems. Not that there were any real solutions to my problems. I decided to turn around and run back to my dorm.

As I turned a corner I saw Clair's car parked on a curb under a big tree. Was that Clair's car? As I got closer I realized that it was. Strange. Nobody she knew (that I knew of) lived around here and our dorm was still a couple of blocks away.

I lightly jogged closer, stunned to see that Clair was inside it, apparently alone. Was she...was she crying? I stopped running and watched her for a moment. I bit my lip and creased my eyebrows, wondering if it was a good idea to go talk to her.

Maybe I could help her? It's what a good friend would do, right? I slowly jogged up to her car and hesitantly tapped on her window. She jumped a little, startled. I smiled regretfully and she sniffed and wiped her eyes before unlocking the car and motioning for me to get inside.

I walked around the car and got in, not realizing how cold I was until I felt the heat of the car heater. Clair was still sniffling and was avoiding my eyes.

"What's wrong, Clair?" I asked worriedly. No use in asking whether she was okay or not, since the answer was obvious. She just sniffled some more and tried to wipe away her tears.

"It's n-n-no big deal." She stammered. I rubbed her arm reassuringly, feeling awkward. I was so bad with emotional situations it was pathetic.

"Tell me anyway." I said, trying to speak with a soothing voice. She was shaking slightly and I could see her attempting to repress the tears and sobs.