Post-it Notes

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It wasn't long after Bucky opened his eyes that the sun started to rise. He always managed to wake up just before the sun rise every morning, without fail. It was one of the things that pulled him from the heartless, violent trance that people had named The Winter Soldier. He didn't think it was something to be named, he thought it should have been killed. And now it was. The words could never affect him again. He didn't have to hurt anyone else. The problem with HYDRA, besides the obvious, was that they were all about psychological pain. They'd mentally break him down to the point that physical torture had no effect. The worst part about it was none of the anger that The Winter Soldier had was brought on by HYDRA none of it was forced; it was all his. He was angry over the fact that he'd lost his best friend, his life, his chance to start a family. That's all he wanted in the end: a family. The only reason he joined the war was so that people would start paying attention to more than just his looks. Nobody had ever really cared for him when it came to anything beneath his looks. His mom was really proud of how handsome he'd become, his dad was loving the fact that his son had a million and one girls asking for him. Nobody besides Steve. He cared for his friend so much. Maybe a little too much. Maybe that's what drove him to crash the aircraft into the ice in the first place. After all, they hadn't really known a life without each other.

When Steve first found him, he'd forgotten how to act around the man he used to, and still did, call his best friend. He pulled it off for the first day or so as trauma, but his true colours started to show. Steve could see that he was insecure, broken, destroyed. He could see the self-loathing in his eyes, it was easy to see when you'd seen it for years on end from the day you came conscious again. He not only saw it in Bucky, he saw it in Tony too. And now, now he started to feel it for himself. Ever since Steve found out that Bucky was extremely gay, he'd looked at him slightly different. He didn't know whether his imagination or whether Steve hated him now. Paranoia had set in badly as soon as Bucky was taken by HYDRA, like it would with anyone if they fell from a train, lost an arm and their best friend, thought they were dead, waking up in a dingy little bodged up surgery with a metal arm and being greeted by the very people they fell out of a train trying lot fight off. He let out a growl of frustration as a million thoughts went through his head at once. The one good thing about The Winter Soldier was that he didn't think. No thinking was involved. 'Pretty much like Steve' Bucky chuckled to himself. If Steve were awake he would've shoved Bucky from the window ledge he was sitting on. It wasn't high off the floor at all, the window wasn't even open. He just liked sitting there and staring outside. He was lost in thought when he felt something soft fall over his shoulders, causing him to jump and nearly punch his attacker, when he remembered that his arm was gone. He turned around to see Tony standing there, hands raised to show that he didn't want to hurt Bucky. The look on his face was pure fear, he looked ready to run. This had been Bucky’s problem for almost a year now. Ever since the words stopped having an effect on him, The Winter Soldier found other ways to be seen. His PTSD attacks, for example, were a major trigger for the Soldier. He seemed to want to protect him.

"I-I’m sorry, Tony" he smiled, but it was full of sadness and self-hatred. Tony let his hands drop, placing one on Bucky’s' shoulder.

"Its fine, I should've known better. I suffer from PTSD too, probably not as bad as you" he explained, trying to make him feel better. He moved to sit opposite Bucky on the window ledge, pulling his legs up to his chest to mirror the man in front of him.

"You don't turn into a crazy assassin who just wants to murder everyone around him and doesn't feel a single ounce of emotion towards any of it?" Bucky ranted. "I thought everyone did" he finished, mumbling before turning his head to look out at the sky and resting it on the window. Tony nudged Bucky’s' leg with his.

"Shut up. He isn't you. You're completely different" he comforted. The man only scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"He was always there, maybe I didn't let him out, but he'd always been a part of me" his voice cracked, showing how broken he really was. He turned to face Tony dead in the eye. "I'm really sorry, for everything. Not just last year, but for killing your parents too. I know it's hard to forgive that, hell, it's damn near impossible, but just know that I wanted to stop. Desperately. But HE wouldn't let me. I could see everything I was doing, I could feel, but I couldn't stop it. I tried, God knows I tried, but I-" he broke. He sobbed into is knees, his arms coming round to shield his head. Tony reached an arm out and placed it on Bucky’s knee.