The Cripple and The Shieldmaiden II

// 7 //

Torhild stood against a wooden pole, looking over the great hall, that just layed in sight, and Ivar offcourse. He sat on his chariot, pulling some brown haired girl against his body and making out, fingers sliding under the dress she wore. Torhild tilted her head and looked to the dress, not sloppy enough to be a slavesdress but not fancy either. Looking how intens he got with that girl where everybody could see it maked her think of the time he was so close to her. She could still imagine his taste, the pressure of his fingers, everything ... very vivid. And now he did it with somebody else, she asked herself if he could perform on the same level he did with her. 'He is making you jealous, you know that right?' Ase asked stading aside her, looking in the same direction. Was it working? Maybe, de memories got more alive, the longing maybe to. Torhild pulled her eyes away from Ivar and looked to her friend.
'Wild guess she is a princess.' She began.
'Wild guess she is here not on her free will.' Ase followed. Torhild looked back to Ivar and the girl before she pushed herself away from the pole.
'Get a change to free her if you can. If she is here against her will than we need to help her.'
'He will be angry, to say the least.' Ase stated. 'I'm queen, my will is law.' Torhild twirled around her own body and walked away, trying not to look to hard to Ivar while passing. If he could do this, she could do to but it wasn't in her nature, he was already jealous enough of what she had.

She stood on the trainingsfield looking to Hvitserk and Ubbe who were fighting each other. It was a heavy fight, the both of them where already sweating and Torhild looked concentrated hoping she still could learn something from the two of them. Despite that is wasn't a shame to see Hvitserk fight. An axe flew just before her in the tree she leaned against. Torhild closed her eyes, took a very deep breath and pulled the axe out looking for his owner. 'Remember there is a child walking around to.' She said calm.
'Yes well, while you were admiring your husband he ran off.' Ivar reacted amused. Torhild frooze, her eyes covering every piece of ground around her before she looked back to Ivar.
'Where is he?' She asked so calm as she possible could be. Raynor would never wander of on his own, not even here. She felt the panic catching her heart while she looked around.
'How should I know that, he isn't mine to look after.' He shrugged his shoulders, nonchalant. Torhild took his axe better in her hand and walked over to him. Every bit closer maked the tempation to hurt him even bigger. And Ivar saw that, he took it as a challenge to see how far she would go.
'Where is he?' She asked again, less in control than earlier. Raynor was everything for her, if he would hurt his own kid he wished he never lived in the first place.
'Not the responsable mother after all.' And that were the words he never should have said. After four years, Torhild was always uncertain of the way she handled Raynor being him her first child. It was always a weakness for herself, thinking she wasn't good enough for the little man. The axe swung his way, Ivar ducked, surpriced that she even got so fast out of control. Ivar who just sat there on a log, she didn't even saw him sitting there earlier, grabbed a sword. He parried her second attack and gave her a warning look. Her anger and desperation for the situation hitted her and tears in anger where already welling up behind her eyes. He didn't changed a bit, he got more strenght but she know his way of fighting, just as he knew hers. But because she let her emotions out in fighting him he was better. He curled his sword with his wrist around her axe and pulled it out of her hands. He took her with her collar and pulled her as close with her head as he could, the sharp blade against her throat. She panted, her eyes filled with tears out of anger. 'He is with Ase in the great hall, pay a little more attention to the details Torhild, you would notice things.' He whispered through his clenshed teeth. She knew he wasn't speaking about only Raynor.
'I really want to kill you right now.' She hissed against his face. She felt his warm breath against her in the chuckle he brought out.
'And I really want to kiss you right now.' He wasn't sincere about it. Torhild pushed him away and started walking. Why did she let herself so manipulate by him? Raynor was exactly there where Ivar said he was, with Ase in the great hall. She dropped down on the stairs before the great hall and bowed her head between her hands.
'Breath, just breath.' She told herself.

Torhild didn't left Raynor out of her sight ever since it happened earlier that day. Ivar his words kept following her. What if she didn't was a good mother? What if she was irresponsible? She was so focust on Hvitserk and Ubbe in that fight that she just forgot. She was so just to it that there were always others around keeping an eye out for Raynor, she was so just to it that he stayed around. And because of what Ivar said she felt awful. She looked to the little boy who played with the waves while she just sat there in the sand, the both of them all alone. He ran away everytimes the waves came at him, giggling with his own fun. Torhild brought her hand before her mouth and started crying just soft enough so Raynor wouldn't hear it. She was a terrible mother, who brought a child of four oversea? She left all his friends behind, she didn't even asked him if he wanted to come. 'Mother look!' Raynor called out. Torhild followed his finger over the beach, to that white stallion and that chariot. She stroke her hands over her cheeks to cover her tears while she tried to find that angry part of herself again. Raynor didn't come, he had more interest in the large bird that flew over and he tried to catch.
'You are taking my moment of peace away.' His voice was flat, not angry, not cold, just flat. Torhild looked aside to him and stood up to leave. She didn't wanted to be anywhere near him after what he did, said. 'Stay.' He grabbed her hand and she jerked her head around to look at him.
'Why would I? Clearly you don't give a damn about your son, about me.'
'I was,'
'Ivar, he is our son and since I'm here you try to convince that boy that you are not worthy to be his father.' She shouted back. Raynor turned his head and looked to his mother. His eyes got something dark while he looked to Ivar, like he was warning him just the way Ivar warned others years ago to protect her. Torhild pulled her hand loose, she didn't walked away like she wanted to, she just stood there, watching her son.
'You didn't stay.' He said, not so flat anymore. She turned around and looked down to him, to meet the conflixt in his eyes. They still had that cold distant look but it gave her hope, a little, that underneath all that anger still that Ivar waited.
'You didn't follow me home either.' She whispered back. 'There was one thing always stronger than your love, and it was your greed for power.' He looked up, still in that same conflix. Torhild crouched down before him. 'Please tell me there is still something left of that Ivar. Don't do it for me but for Raynor, let him start the know his real father like I used to know him. You already maked it clear that I'm not worthy to be a mother of your child but please, don't show him that. He is four, I alway imagined him looking up to his father but you just make it so hard for him and me to get to know you again.' Her voice was full of despair, sadness. She showed him everything behind the mask, her uncertainty, her doubt, her weak points. If she got vulnerable for him maybe he would do the same. But nothing really changed. He was fighting himself, she saw it but her words didn't broke through on him. So what would? Raynor runned over the beach towards the two of them, he wrapped his tiny arms around her neck and Torhild did the same with him while staring at Ivar.
'Can we go to father now? I'm hungry.' Raynor said. Torhild closed her eyes when she saw that anger pulling up in Ivar's bleu eyes. She pulled Raynor from her chest and gave him a tender smile while stroking his cheek.
'Offcourse.' She nodded. Raynor turned around to Ivar and waved but Ivar didn't waved back. Torhild stood up, not knowing if she had to say something more. She walked a few steps but desided to turn around. 'If your not willing to give him a change than you loose him, and you loose me to.'
'I lost you already.'
'No Ivar, I'm just trying to protect myself from you.' And with those words she walked after Raynor back to the settlement.