The Cripple and The Shieldmaiden II

// 5 //

IVAR P.O.V.

In the past four years he did nothing more than feed his own anger and regret. Since that day she sailed away he terrorized himself. His self hatered grew so big he didn't felt a thing for what looked like hours but spread out to days, months and years. And after four years there wasn't much left in him. He felt so hollow, found amusement in the fear in his enemies eyes, found joy in seeing them scream for help. All he ever wanted was to love and that little bit of love was swallowed by his grown passion to rule. His heart was blackened, dark. The little bits of hope he always had hide away in the farest corners of his body. He never felt more powerfull than he did now but he also never felt more alone than he did now. He filled that up, that loneliness by ruling an army over England, by persuading girls in doing the things he wanted. Every time again if he climded on that chariot, if the army yelled his name he felt that consuming power brewing in his body. And it took him over, maked him blind for what he missed or wanted. He forgot her as fast as she sailed away, he let his body take over from the emotions. And that body really wanted one thing, to overcome, to conquer, to show the people who was their true leader ... Ivar The Boneless.

But when he that legacy was found a lot changed. He didn't spoke Halfdan about it until he send some men on a ship to Kattegat. He was selfish and determind, but he needed her to come and take that throne so his power could reach further than it already did. She just had to come and claim her throne, nothing more and nothing less, the rest he could handle himself. Thinking of Torhild was only a fragment of his usual mindwork. She didn't crossed his mind in years and now he thought every day of her, knowing she hadn't a choose than sail back to England. She was to good in her heart, she wouldn't let her people down so she would come, he was sure of that. In the days that past his impatient scared the people, he became a little more reckless and the people stayed more inside, knowing that their leader had something on his mind.

The white stallion panted, the arrogant smirk on his face looked down over his chariot to a soldier. 'Come on, run along.' He pointed to the path leading to the small village. 'If you make it you are lucky. Stealing is a serious crime.' His words sounded amused but deep inside his anger lurked around the corner. The man looked confussed but he started running. Ivar crossed his arms over his chariot and looked how that man runned for his life, literally, he runned for his life. Just as when he was going to command his horse to move a rider approced from behind.
'Ivar, sir.' He hubbled greeted him. Ivar didn't lost his sight of the running man, almost unintrested in what the messenger had to say. 'A small army from Kattegat is arrived.'
'Is she with them?' He asked coldy, turning his eyes to the man that stood aside his chariot calming his own horse.
'I don't know. Halfdan asked me to gave you this message.' He bowed. Everybody was scared, it was almost boring. Ivar looked back to the thief, he made it to the village and he rolled his jaw in disappointment. He didn't say thank you, he slapped his reins against the stallion and the animal cantered away. Whole that way back he felt nothing really. The only thing he could think of is that he maybe would have some fun with Torhild back and that wasn't in the nice way. He wanted to prove her that she walking away didn't effect him. He was still that fearless man and he conquered a lot. He would show her he was wordy to be a king and if she liked it or not, she was going to step down from her proud. That was the plan. But every bit he came closer to the settlement again he felt something else. Sure years would have greased her beauty. If it was one thing he wasn't on planning to do was to step down but what if she wanted to step up? Maybe they could after all rule together. The thought, that tiny bit of hope slipped his body in way befor he could stop it from happening. Had he missed her? No but he was eager to see her again.

The great hall was all his territory. He crawled in and everybody who was present started to work. A slave brought him a cup of ale and a dark haired girl, from who he didn't remember the name, caressed him with a kiss and some love he didn't fire back. His confident clenshed through the hall, he adsorb it and filled him again with that certain envy. He was looking down in his cup when Halfdan walked in. 'Ivar, Torhild for you.' He annouched and something in his heart stopped for a moment. His eyes traveled up to only meet her dark brown eyes immidiatly. He loved her and he let her go. She was the cause of his distruction over England, she was the cause of his hatered. He loved her in black, she was fearless in black and she had even more beauty than on the day she left. Only her eyes where part of that. Oh had he missed that face. But where he thought to find her warmth he met the cold. It backfired right at him.
'Ivar.' She greeted him. And there is was, the softness he didn't find in her eyes. Ivar pulled in a breath, wanted to say something but his eyes traveled away. She wasn't alone, both his brothers where with her but what consumed more of his attention was what walked between the two of them. A little boy, cloaked in bleu. Torhild reacted on him but there was something with the boy that kept all his attention centered. The boy stopped aside Torhild, showed more determination than when she walked in. He pulled the cloak of and looked up and Ivar felt the inner storm stop. Those bleu eyes where so consuming, pulling all of his confident right out of his body. The boy just looked back and Ivar couldn't even loose contact. How old was this kid? Four? Four years ago she left him, four years ago he loved her, four years ago he maked love to her and now a boy pf four, with the same seableu eyes and the same dark hair stood aside Torhild. 'Ivar,' he pulled his gaze away from the boy and looked back to her. 'Meet Raynor, your son.' And the world stopped spinning.

How could he control his emotions when she dropped something like this on him. He must looked surpriced maybe even shocked when she said it. His eyes traveled back to the little boy who was observing the great hall, bleu eyes fixed on the little details around him. This must be quite the journey for that little man. And while Ivar looked at the boy he started asking himself things. Did she know when she left? Was she even planning on telling him if she didn't had to come here? Did Raynor know? He loved the name in a certain way, it maked him think of his own father. 'Did you knew when you left?' His voice sounded neutral, flat even and he looked slowly back to Torhild. She nodded and he felt a strain of pain leaving his heart. She knew and never told him. 'Why didn't you told me.' His voice hardly more than a whisper. Torhild knew what that meant. She pulled her son closer, his son ...
'You weren't in the right mind to receive such news.' Her voice was steady and under control and Ivar just snapped.
'You should have told me!' He shouted, smaching his cup with ale against the ground. The boy startled and Ivar looked at him again.
'Raynor.' Torhild said with a cold voice. The boy looked up to his mother and Ivar wachted how she crouched down before him. 'Go with your father.' She commanded him with a tender smile. Those words ... Ivar looked how the boy nodded before he ran over to Hvitserk who catched him right in the act of running. He lifted Raynor in his arms and looked to Torhild for a moment. 'Go.' She nodded and the looks they changed ... it explained him everything. The jealousy brewed up, Ivar clenshed his jaws together, making a fist with his fingers while he watch Hvitserk walking out. His brother achieved his woman, his child and if he would take over his kingdom to he would show a force of power. 'You to.' She smiled to Ubbe. Ivar waved his finger to the rest who was present in the room. Ase was the only one that stayed. And when the doors felt shut his eyes turned cold back to Torhild.
'Why didn't you told me.' He repeated. All of her concern for her son fadded away of her face. He pressed his back more in the throne when she walked a few steps closer.
'Because you broke my heart.' She answered calm. His blue eyes looked to Ase for a moment and that woman looked even more mad than Torhild herself did. So it said enough, he had broke her completely that moment four years ago.
'I couldn't keep you safe.'
'Yes!' She shouted, pointed to the door. 'And you wouldn't be in any state to keep him safe to.' She hissed. He had so much to say in that moment. He thought than their reuniting would a little more sarcastic and flattened than this. He wasn't prepared on this and seeing how much protection she hold for that boy maked it hard for him to get ahead of her. 'You pushed me away and I thought is was better for Raynor to grew up in a world where you're not around, at least he learned to love, to respect. Do you have any idea how hard it is to look at him?' She asked. He saw tears welling up in her eyes and it weren't tears of happiness. 'He is just like you, strongheaded, stubborn, intelligent. And every night I put him to sleep I look in those bleu eyes and think of you. Even when you're not around you still curse me Ivar. I was not considering to bring him here but your brother, my husband, his father insisted on it. Hvitserk wanted for Raynor to meet his father.' She pauzed for a moment. Not that he had something to say, he just watched her anger, to the beauty that turned into ice right before him. 'And what is the first thing he gets to see? Your anger.' Torhild breathed out. Ivar just looked at her before she swallowed, not knowing what to say in that moment. So the silence was loaded and he did nothing more than looking to her.
'It wasn't your right, you,'
'I'm here to get my throne Ivar, you asked me and you get me. If you stand in my way, if you try to get to Raynor without me present, if you work this out on Hvitserk, I will tear you apart.' She warned him before she turned around and walked out. He just looked at her before his eyes flushed to Ase.
'You are sitting on her throne.' She pointed out, walking after Torhild. The whole hall felt still with Ase walking out until he was there just alone. He tried to control his breathing but there was so much he wanted to do, things that weren't even logical. He wanted to kill his brother, he wanted to hurt her, hell he wanted to kiss her again. But with every option that crossed his mind he thought of that little boy. He had a son ... he was a father and he asked himself ... why where the gods punishing him? Why did he let her go?

It took me hours to write this because it went so damn deep. By far the most intense piece I ever wrote, the emotions, it felt so real. Took me three times to get it right and I hope, I really hope I putted Ivar down in the way he is. Gosh I adore his complex mind. <3