The Cripple and The Shieldmaiden II

// 13 //

How did she had to tell Hvitserk this, that she lost ... after four year ... his unborn child. Torhild never thought she would get pregnant again after Raynor. Like the gods where punishing her for her betrayel, because this was just that. She betrayed Hvitserk, loved him but never gave enough, certainly when her heart was somewhere else. She couldn't give him a child and when she did it wasn't his or she lost it. The little breathingspace she still had was filled with that gorgeous little smile of Raynor while he ran over to her. Torhild tried to ignore all of her pain and embraced the little boy, tears of joy filling her eyes. 'I missed you little men.' She whispered in his ear. She pulled back, cupped his face while she looked to the happiness in his eyes. He would pull her through, he always did. Her eyes traveled to Ivar who was watching the both of them.
'What is going on?' Hvitserk asked. Torhild looked up to him before she looked back to Raynor.
'Raynor, stay with Ivar for a minute.' She pointed to Ivar. Her eyes where filled with some sad heartbreak while she looked over to Ivar, asking him to take care of Raynor. Raynor nodded and walked over to Ivar while Torhild walked in to the great hall with Ubbe and Hvitserk.
'What is going on? Where is Ase, Halfdan?' Hvitserk asked worried. He layed his hands on her upper arms and she pulled softly away, barly wanted to look up to him. 'Torhild?' Hvitserk asked a little alarmed. He layed his hand under her chin and forced her head up. She looked in to his eyes and shook her head.
'We were on our way to Lord Cameron and we were ambushed in the night.' She whispered through her tears. Hvitserk looked down to her stomach and slowly looked back to her. 'I'm sorry.' She cried when he pulled back in disbelief.
'You lost the child?'
 'You where pregnant?' Ubbe asked shocked. Torhild could only look to Hvitserk, to the way how he stepped away, his face turning from concern to something cold and distant.
'I asked you one thing and,'
'they were with to much and,' she felt silent, feeling her broken heart getting up in her throat.
'What? My brother was in danger? You helped him? Lost this child to him?' He spitted the words out and Ubbe supported her, guiding her to a chair. She sat down and hidded her head in her hands.
'She didn't do this on purpose brother.' Ubbe tried to help the situation a little. Hvitserk walked over to her and crouched before her, his eyes hurted by the one thing that he didn't want to happen.
'I was the only thing I asked you, to keep yourself and this unborn child safe.' His voice sounded broken. She lifted her head up out of her hands and looked to him.
'We can,'
'No Torhild, I don't want to hear it for now.' He intterupted her. He stood up and walked away. It broke her completly. Her mind had built walls around her grief, yes, it was an unborn child, hardly old enough but it broke her in pieces.
'Hvitserk please.' She begged throught her tears. He turned around looking at her and she knew he needed space. They never fought much but when they did they both wnet their own way and found each othter again on the end. Only Torhild wasn't sure if she woulf find him back.
'Leave me.' He said on a rather short tone. She nodded and stood up, Ubbe wanted to help her but she just gave him a quick smile before walking out.

'Why are you sad mother?' Raynor asked after been curcled up against her chest for more than an hour. Torhild didn't cried but she wasn't really responsive either to the stories her son told. She sat against a tree, just aside the little trainingsfield they always used four years ago.
'I'm not sad. Don't mind me.' She stroke his dark hair and rested her chin on his head, gazing in the distant again.
 'Are you gonna leave again?' He asked softly, wrapping his short arms a little stronger around her, like he didn't want to let go of her. She did the same, trying to control the emotions that felt so heave in her body.
'I need to go.'
'Can I come?' He asked, hopefull. He looked up to her, a set of soft bleu eyes constant with the love he had for his own mother. She stroke her hand over his cheek and shook her head.
'Is it so dangerous for you Raynor.' She whispered. His eyes turned in something else, a stubborness she knew all to well. Torhild swallowed, not ready to have an argument with her son after having one with her husband. Every time she thought of the look Hvitserk gave her after telling give her the feeling that it was all her fault. And it was in a certain way, she shouldn't had fight, she shouldn't had helped Ivar when he was in some small problems, maybe she shouldn't have been there in the first place.
'I want to come, I want to be with you.'
'You can't. Raynor, you are safe here, with your father and your uncle.'
'I don't want to be with father or uncle!' He shouted angry. His bleu eyes flamed up and Torhild only looked at him while he got all angry, slamming his fist against her chest before he climbed from her lap and started running.
'Raynor!' Torhild called after him while getting up. The boy hardly missed those white legs from the stallion before the chariot. 'Raynor!'
'I don't like you, I'm going to father.' He yelled back, running even faster.
'Let him go.' Ivar advised her. Torhild stood still after his chariot, not even noticing that he was there. She wiped the tears from her face and gave him a fast look.
'I'm fine Ivar.' She reacted fast, still looking how the little boy runned through the trees back to the settlement. She saw Ase arriving on a horse and like it was instinct of her to, Torhild saw her walking after Raynor.
'Even a blind man can see that you're not alright.' He said, softly, but neutral. It was like he was testing her borders before entering. Torhild sighed and turned her body a part before looking up to him. He had turned in his chariot, his face flat but not distant or cold.
'Prepare me that army.'
'Is it really that wise to command an army when you're heartbroken?' He asked. She looked fast down and again to the settlement. No, he was right, she couldn't think clearly now, it would only be her own death. But she needed to set her mind on something. Hvitserk hated her for killing their unborn child, Raynor was hated her for not taking him with her and Ivar hated her for leaving him four years ago. What was left of her other that a body without a soul? 'Torhild,'
'No Ivar, please.' She begged him, controling her voice so it would hold against him. But when she looked up she met something entirely different than what he gave her the past days. Torhild never realized how much she missed that look, the vulnerable weak look he only gave her. He brought his hand up, just enough in reach to rest it on her shoulder, a thumb stroking her neck. She laid her hand on his wrist in a reflex, to pull it away but she stood so unsteady on her own feet she really didn't knew if she had the strenght to do something. He just looked at her, setteling his gaze in her brown eyes while she found that part of him and herself back in his strong bleu eyes. And just like that she stepped on his chariot, wrapping her arms around him, burying her head in his neck before she started crying. It took him a second before she felt his arms close the space behind her back, pulling her stronger in that embrace. 'I missed you.' She confessed in her tears. Now, in all this, his look, his touch, even his smell she cracked under the uncertainty that contained her for years. She never wanted to admit it but he always was on her mind. It didn't felt only as a relief, she found some strenght again. But that strenght was soaked under a lot of grief, grief she let all out now she was close so close with him again. She never found comfort with anybody else than Ivar over the years not even when she was little. Past years Raynor took a lot over from that but in a moment as this she realized how much she needed him. He didn't say a thing, he just let her cry until there weren't anymore tears to shed and there only was that silence. 'Why are the gods hating me so much.' She whispered to herself. Ivar pulled her back, Torhild closed her eyes, almost ashamed of how she must look on the moment.
'Nobody can hate you Torhild.' He reacted calm.
'You hated me when I left.' She replied.
'Torhild, look at me,' he demanded gentle. She forced her eyes open and looked at him. It must been a thick wall he builded over the years she was away. But it was all gone now, she had a clear shot right in to his emotions. 'I never hated you, but is the best way to handle you.' He felt silence, never letting his eyes of her for a second. 'You are my weakness, remember.' The corner of his mouth got a little up, not much but it was enough for her to nod softly.
'I'm sorry, for keeping Raynor away that long.'
'I understand. You can make up to it, take him with us.'
'Ivar,'
'Torhild, I promise you to protect him with my life if needed. The best place for him to be is between us. He needs his mother and I maybe need my son.' He intterupted her fears. His son ... it was the first time he said that out loud. And it strucked her that Raynor never would see him as his father, it would always be Hvitserk.
'He wil never accept you as a father.' She whispered out the little fears there were still left.
'I don't mind that, as long as you accept me to be his father.'
'I do.' She answered right after. He didn't smiled, he looked away for a moment and Torhild felt the guilt coming all up again.
'You told him.'
'He asked you?' She asked schokked. She didn't knew that Raynor would understand a word of what she had said on that beach. But apparently he did and had he asked Ivar about it. Ivar nodded and looked back to her. 'What did you say?'
'Nothing, you just came out so,' his voice fadded. Torhild studied his face while he looked to the settlement in thoughts.
'If he asks again just be honest. He is not that different from you, he always struggles with his feelings. Stubborn, alert, protective,' with that last word Ivar looked back to her. She laid her hand on it's jawline and looked to him. 'Are you ready to become a father?' She asked carefull. His eyes became a little uncertain, troubled even and she smile encouraging. 'I'm always right beside you Ivar. You just have to behave on a occasion or two.'
'I will behave.' He promised with something of that misshief in his eyes. She nodded and forced a smile on her lips.
'I thought I lost you.'
'You never lost me. Like you said I'm just to stubborn and protective to let you back in.' He confessed. Torhild made herself loose from him and jumped from his chariot, looking over to the settlement. 'How is my brother?' He asked before she could walk away. Torhild turned around and looked back at him.
'I lost his child, he blames me. He needs time, I need time, it will work out in the end.' She shrugged. She never saw Hvitserk that upset before what only comfirmed what she thought all those years, he wanted a child from his own, and badly. But she asked herself ... would it work out in the end?