The Cripple and The Shieldmaiden II

// 12 //

IVAR'S P.O.V

He dreamed about her, pulling her close against his body while his fingers roamed every bit of skin while they both looked to the dark sky, in that boat. It was the kind of dream he had often, a lot even in the past years. Locking up all his emotions and feelings, not thinking of her ... dreaming gave him an other way to think of her. He starled out of his dream, gazing to the darkness around him. He felt a kind of softness against his body but when he looked aside it was just her, Elisabeth and she wasn't even close to what his heart truly desired. His face flattened, emotions pulling back from his imagination in the dream while he pushed away his body from hers. Ivar pulled his clothes, a little moonlight slipping throught the window on his back where still those scars stood, carved in his body as a memory of the moment he let her go. While he pulled his clothes on Elisabeth started murmuring in her sleep looking for him and Ivar just looked before he crawled out of the room.

Torhild was asleep but restless. His eyes scanned her body, looking for signs she maybe lost the baby. Getting her on his chariot had always two reasons, or she was badly hurt or she wanted to kiss him, two things his heart could't handle right now. 'What are you doing here Ivar?' A voice asked from out of the darkness. He looked away from Torhild to Ase who stood in the doorway.
'How is she?'
'So you are concerned?' Her voice sharpened by her hatered against him. She walked in the room and Ivar followed her every move to the bed. The silence brought their eyes back to Torhild. She looked peacefull, he hoped she dreamed as good as he dreamed earlier.
'Did she,' he swallowed the words and looked up to Ase who sat on the end of the bed, still looking to Torhild.
'Yes, she lost the baby.' Ase answered his unfinished sentence. Ivar felt hollow, like nothing was really there, not his hatered, his concern. There was just nothing left when he looked to Torhild knowing she lost her baby ... because she was protection him. Slowly the guilt spreaded to his body, leaving his expressions still empty.
'It's my fault.' He said for himself, not realizing that Ase was there. He wanted to be alone with Torhild but as her right hand Ase was always around. And somewhere, despite the fact he really couldn't stand Ase in this new matured version of herself, he was thankfull.
'Everything you did is your fault Ivar, even when your were not around.' She replied even more hollow than he felt. He looked to the woman, she was looking back at him. Ase grew to, she looked more determind in protecting Torhild and he asked himself what happened in those past four years. 'Do you think she married Hvitserk because she wanted to. She did it for Raynor, for Kattegat but her heart was always here. And I hate you for that, you killed her dreams, you killed a part of her that day.' Ase said softly. Ivar looked back to Torhild who turned, a face that pulled a little in pain while she moved. 'She never talked about you, she never said a thing about England but I saw her thinking enough, when she looked to Raynor. I saw here thinking and I see it every time again when she sees that boy.' It was only a whispering in the dark but Ase her words came in so hard. He looked down to his own lap, trying to wrap his head around everything she just said. Ase stood up from the bed, turned around to the door and hesitated for a moment. 'You don't derserve her Ivar and yet,' she felt silent and pointed towards Torhild in the bed. 'You are the only thing that is on her mind. Be good. If you do her harm I will kill you.'
'I suspect nothing less.' Ivar replied, looking how she walked away out of the room. Leaving him with Torhild and his own thoughts. He looked back to Torhild, he brought his fingers to his mouth, struggling to keep it all to himself. By time he crawled to the bed, leaned over the egde closer to Torhild. His fingers lingered just above her skin, doubting his every move, before he let them rest softly against her forehead, stroking her dark hair out her face. 'I'm not pushing you away because I hate you Torhild.' He whispered in the dark. She was asleep, she wouldn't hear a thing of it. 'Loving you always battled my anger. But it's better when you think I hate you, it's safer.' He placed a kiss on her forehead. She didn't move, her breathing kept that steady rhythm. He rested his face on his arm and just looked at her. Why did he bring her back here? Why couldn't he just let her go like he was planning four years ago. He saw himself sitting on the beach before Floki his house, Torhild aside him when they were nothing more than childeren. He should have pushed her away then. It would solve so much. But keeping her close then is his distruction now.