I've realized now that I've basically made this entire "book" into some kind of journal. I basically just pour all my feelings out into it. It feels nice letting my feelings out without worrying about what others have to say about it.
It's 2:30 a.m. and I can't sleep. Thoughts of Jared are flooding my mind again. I know this may sound incredibly pathetic, but that kid has me heartbroken. He lead me on, told people he kind of liked me, then just ignored me? No! I can't deal with things like this! I'm way too sensitive! People always take advantage of that!
This is the reason I'm undergoing a change. I'm not going to be my normal, loud, and happy self. I will act how I feel, and talk at a normal level. I won't laugh at everything anymore. It's about time I tone things down. I clearly wasn't good enough before. Maybe now I won't attract the wrong kinds of attention....actually, maybe now I'll attract attention from people I actually want it from!
All my life I've sat here just waiting. I wait for food when I'm hungry, I wait for people to come and talk to me first because I was always afraid to talk to them first for reasons even I don't understand, and I've also waited for the guys I liked to give me attention. Where has this gotten me? No where. Almost every guy I've had a thing for has fallen for one of my friends. Not today. It's not happening again. If I want change, it's happening. If I'm unhappy with myself, no one is telling me I can't change. I will be who I wish to be, and that is that.
I know what you're thinking. You probably think I'm crazy, and that I want sympathy. Well you're wrong. What I want, is to be the person I've wanted to be. I'm only fulfilling it now because I'm furious about everything that has happened to me along the way. People changed, people have backstabbed me, people have left me alone. I know what it feels like to be abandoned in your time of need, I really do. What most people don't seem to understand is is that I'm always a helping hand. No matter who it is, I will always help people as best as I can. It may be a situation incredibly hard to solve, but it's nothing too hard to eventually fix. The only thing I ask for in return is help back. I may be good with advice, but when it comes to me, I just need someone to give me the same kind of advice. I need people to have my back like I have theirs. Nobody really does, and at this point, I've given up on trying to get people to do so. This is why the change is happening. I still love everyone, and everything, I'm just not going to be showing it as much as I used to. It's not fun and games anymore. It's time people took me seriously and actually understood where I'm coming from. I guess you could just say I'm....new and approved.
