How It Could Have Been ~ The-Mockingjay-xx

Chapter 1

When I wake up the other side of the bed is cold. I stretch out my fingers seeking Prim's warmth only to be reminded that she is gone, that she will never lie next to me again, never comfort me when I wake up screaming from nightmares of dying children lying in pools of their own blood as the life drains out of them, my arrow piercing Marvel's neck, Finnick's cries as the lizard mutts tear him apart, Rue's last moments all repeating over and over again in my head.

I remember that morning, the morning of Prim's first reaping, I promised it wouldn't be her, promised she wouldn't get chosen but the odds were not in her favour that day. If I had not been there to volunteer for her what would have happened? Sweet, sweet Prim who had never done a thing wrong in her whole life - why do all of the kindest people have to suffer or die? Peeta, Prim, Rue, Finnick, my father. Everyone I love is turned to dust before me. It would be better if I were dead, I should be dead, then everyone would be safe.

+++

I decide at last to drag myself from the protection of the sheets and step into the shower. I am too upset to bother as I carelessly slam random buttons on the panel of over 100 that controls the temperature, pressure and type of water jets from the shower. As a result I find myself hopping from foot to foot as alternate icy and hot jets of water punch me down my back and legs along with a floral smelling foam which engulfs my whole body. I step out of the shower still freezing cold and trembling and am met with a satisfying, warm gust of air which dries my body in a matter of seconds. I wrap myself in a towel and then press my hand against a touch sensitive panel that sends a gentle wave of air through my hair, drying and detangling it before it cascades back onto my shoulders.

After dressing in a green blouse and blue jeans, I re-braid my hair in its usual style and fasten my gold mockingjay pin onto my top. I enter the dining room to find it completely empty apart from the various platters of food which lie on silver trolleys lining the room. I sit alone at the table and begin to pile my plate high with everything : sausages, bacon, fried eggs with a golden, runny yolk, mushrooms, an exotic type of bean I haven't seen before, toast made from some kind of seeded bread and a large portion of my favourite lamb stew with the dried plums on top.

I have almost finished my mountainous plate of food when I am disrupted by footsteps and irregular clapping sounds behind me. Haymitch of course; he sits down opposite me.
"Come to congratulate me?" I mumble, pushing my leftovers into a pile and placing my knife and fork neatly in the centre of my plate like my mother taught me to.
His lips mould into a smirk. "You could put it that way." I look up at him, wanting to glare but too exhausted by his mockery and the numbness inside me to do so. "Your doctor told me told me to pass on the good news - you've been discharged. So, congratulations!" His grin is false and he seems drunk on sarcasm rather than liquor. "And now it's time to go home."
I look at him, startled. "What?" I ask, still bewildered. I just killed the future President of Panem, and I am allowed to go home. Just like that. Why aren't they going to lock me up, or charge me, or punish me? "But I killed Coin."
"Apparently they aren't putting you on trial. I don't think you remember how essential you were to the rebellion, Katniss. Officially they have probably put it down to confusion and mental instability, though they haven't forgotten what you did for them. So you better get packing Katniss, train leaves in 2 hours," he replies.
"Anyway, I thought District 12 was just rubble ," I say.
"Not the Victors' Village, and they have cleared the Merchants' Village, the Seam and the square. After Snow was captured and held for execution, everyone began to rebuild the Districts. They haven't finished but it is habitable now." Haymitch says. "We will get it back to how it was eventually."

I'm going home. I really am going home. The very thought makes me buzz with excitement. It could be how it was before the Games; days in the woods hunting with Gale, trading in the hob... my life could be as it was without the constant fear of the Games, of death looming in the air and around every corner.
     "Ok then, I guess I'll go and start packing." I push my plate away from me to signal that I have finished and leave the room.