Antidote ;Sequel to Kryptonite;

Chapter Twenty-Five: Growing

Life is weird. It hands us a deck of cards and we have to decide what cards we will play. Sometimes, you have to chuck the whole deck and start fresh or play an entirely different game. I took the cards, the chances of life, and for once, I made myself the controller. 

The table vibrated; signaling that my phone was buzzing. Who was calling me? What would they want? I reached for it but stopped when I saw it said "UNKNOWN". Another one? I was sick and tired of my phone going off with unknown numbers. I would always answer it to be greeted with a scammer telling me about how I won a free boat but they needed my credit card information. Other times, it was just silence. One day, I could have sworn I heard someone breathing on the other end. I stopped answering because I was getting very serial killer vibes. There was always a glimmer of hope it was one of the boys. 

After I boarded the plane, I immediately blocked all of their numbers. I know it's wrong to punish a whole group for one's wrong doing. As a kid, I despised when the teacher made the whole class wait for recess because of one punk's actions. However, I knew it was the best thing for my mental health. I couldn't be texting or trying to check up on Harry. I deleted Instagram and Snapchat in the social media purge. 

I sat in the plane seat and cried as I went through the photos in my phone to delete. I needed to erase everything and get a clean break. Summer was ending and so was my fantasy of being with Harry. It wasn't working and it never would. At least, that's what I tell myself to cut off the dreams. I'm sure I looked like a blubbering idiot as I cleared my phone of all things One Direction and Harry Styles. 

I was running away from him. For my sake, I couldn't slow down because I'd go right back to him. It was like a gravitational pull but I couldn't dwell on it anymore. I was severing the connection. I looked out the window as clouds passed; trying to count them to keep my brain distracted.That's what life became after that; a distraction. I had to find little things to continue to distract me. 

I called my mom to give her the news and I tried to keep my voice even. 

"Christina, I will always support you, baby..." Her pause let me know she was just about to contradict herself. The chipped polish on my thumbnail was becoming very interesting. Please don't say it... Please don't remind me. "But," there it was, "Do you think it was sudden? Without a proper goodbye?"

"Mom, please don't-"

"Just listen to me, sweetie. I don't want you to live with any regrets."

"I've made plenty of regrets," I forced a laugh as I blinked through tears. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

She was quiet for awhile. For a moment, I thought we disconnected until I heard her clear her throat. "Well... If you love something, you let it go." 

"I have to let him go." I whispered as I finally broke. Her coos and 'oh sweetheart' was lost in my loud sobs. I was alone; in the apartment and my life. The fragility of my eggshell confidence had met its match. I wasn't going to go crawling back to him with my tail tucked under me. We ere done. We had just started and ended faster than I imagined. I didn't get to soak in the moments and soft kisses. Instead, I couldn't stop replaying the fights and bitter moments in my head. It was torturing me.

Why did I fucking say anything? 

Why did I have to be so self-conscious? 

Why couldn't I trust him or us? 

Why couldn't I just give him my heart fully?

Life had dealt a lot of cards. Having my parents split put a big thorn in my heart that I didn't realize I had. My father left my mother and I was scared of history repeating itself. I didn't want someone to leave me vulnerable. When Harry and I first met, I felt like his dirty secret. I was like a second place trophy because I wasn't his actual girlfriend and he wouldn't make me it because he was dating Elizabeth. I didn't voice my feelings and set limits that they should have broken up first. I didn't mean to fall for him when we were pretending. I was constantly comparing myself to Elizabeth and then Natalie. I never believed that he would actually want me for all of me, so I was quick to push him away. When he left unexpectedly, I felt betrayed. So every moment after felt like a running hour glass. I was waiting for the next time he would leave me. Natalie intimidated me because I didn't want to share, even the moments when I wasn't there. I couldn't hold my  head high when she was around even though he stopped being physical with her when I came back. Their past made me uneasy. When his anger was directed at me; I felt like everything we had worked on was over. 

But real relationships take hard conversations. Real relationships have rage, times of sorrow, and all the feelings in between. What matters most is the choice to push through or the choice to quit. I didn't give Harry and I that full chance on our second go around. Instead of talking through a tough conversation about his actions and my insecurities, I ran. I made the decision to run from a potential relationship.

Slowly, I grew. I grew to accept my actions and rush to run from Harry. Every night, I looked at my phone and internally fought with myself. The urge to unblock the boys and call Harry up to professor endless apologies replayed each evening. I would go back and forth on the idea that maybe he would actually talk to me and still want me, despite how childish I acted. Right after the positive thought, negatives thoughts would creep over. What if he cussed me out or ignored me? I ruined the best thing I had.

The dance went on for two weeks. I would sit and wait by my phone as if one day, I would suddenly get the courage to unblock them.  But with each day, the fight was becoming shorter. I knew that my window of opportunity was closing. I started to turn my attention back to life and the little things to distract me. My runs were spent counting the clouds and looking at the beautiful houses I ran by in order to avoid thinking about Haz. I was looking at my upcoming college courses and how to get a step up on the studying. If I filed my time with busy work, it would be easier to get through the day. 

I was going to be okay. I think Harry will always be my biggest weakness and I don't know how long it will take to fully get over him. I don't know if I ever will be able to. I'm trying to reflect on myself so I can prepare myself for the next relationship, whenever that is. A little piece of my heart will always belong to Harry. He was my weakness, my krypton. However, even Superman could overcome hurt and challenges, and so could I. Knowing that I could heal from the weakness made it alright. I still think about the tiny moments; the way he would trace circles on my hands, his forehead kisses, the way his eyes sparkled in certain lighting, his contagious laughter and bright smile... Instead of pushing them away anymore, I sit with them for a moment. 

Ding dong.

I dropped my pen on my spiral. I had been spinning over this calculus question for half an hour. Whose at the door? I thought. I was thankful for the distraction from my studying. My brain could only take so many exponents and miscalculations in one sitting. I walked over to the door and grabbed the brass knob. I slowly turned it and opened the door. "Hello?" My greeting was cut short as I looked at the person on the other side of the door.

My heart dropped as I stared at familiar green eyes. I wanted to drop to the floor instantly as my legs turned to jello. My eyes widened and my grip on the door tightened. A gust of wind picked up his chestnut curls and blew them across his forehead. His jaw clenched as we stared at each other.

"Harry, what are you doing here?"

A/N: Hello my loves! I just posted a new story that is unfortunately not a fan-fiction BUT you can pretend Harry is the main boy if that helps x) that I would love for you to check out. It's called "The End Zone" and though it seems pretty football-y/sports at first, I promise it's not! It's a story about best friends, love, and lots of drama as we all enjoy. Please check it out and show it some love if you like it :)

I hope you are all doing well! I've started a small business to sell my handmade items and am about to return back to being a school teacher through these crazy times. I truly have loved writing and the fact that I've held onto Kryptonite and Antidote for SO LONG and you have stuck with me, means more than I can ever put into words. It started at the end of my high school career that I wrote this story, and I'm now past college and grad school. It honestly feels like I have raised a child. I know that the first start of Kryptonite is outdate and ROUGH so I will be going through and editing it soon #blackberry #cringeworthy #ohno. They will be coming to an end soon but in our hearts forever :,) I love you guys and thank you for everything.